C&C Oahun

[Oahun]

Was wondering if any of you have read what I've done with him, and if you liked it thus far. Feel free to criticize, I'm not going to run away or anything, I know i've got a lot of work to do before I blend in with whats currently going on in Chubbs. I realize also that people have kind of strayed from the traditional DBZ style- not a bad thing. I'm going to be trying to fit that mold in the future.

Thanks! I'll definitely return the favor.

The Road From Home

[Juno]

I'm pretty free tomorrow, so expect some C&C from me then. =]

[Oahun]

Thanks!

If anything, just the last chapter though. I realize the thread is ridiculously long. >_<

[Victoria]

You have a great way of explaining characters, like Shrives (I only read your last post). The thing I'm curious about is the asterisk's you placed in the RP? Do they have significance?

And if you think that's long don't worry, people won't read my threads because of their length and...they're long .

I definitely loved the struggle, great way of displaying his thoughts and feelings. I liked the details and reflection on eyes, and what the child might feel for what your character is doing.

You've got skill. The only thing is that I think I saw a run-on sentence, but it happens.

[Oahun]

You have a great way of explaining characters, like Shrives (I only read your last post). The thing I'm curious about is the asterisk's you placed in the RP? Do they have significance?

I copied and pasted it from my e-mail to the thread because I usually write at work, which has Office 07. I cant open it with anything on my PC, and because there were tabs, it for some reason placed asterisks. If someone would remove those I would be greatly appreciative.

Thanks though Victoria, I'll double-check to spot a sentence like that in the future.

And if you think that's long don't worry, people won't read my threads because of their length and...they're long .

I'll read em tonight! ( or some of them. lol )

[Victoria]

Haha don't worry about it, the amount of writing I've done so far is that of a novel. If you ARE going to read anything, read Catching Stars, or some of those posts anyway.

Your RPs can't be edited, even by staff, once you post. That's why I always reread what I'm posting when I put it in the box. It's a good habit to get into.

[Carter]

First off, welcome to Chubbs! I just finished your Road Home thread so I thought I'd give you a shout.

Now he began to regret leaving, wondering if he was, in fact, still too weak to explore the dangers of even Namek. He had not even yet learned to fly, as his brother had before he had left the village. He could not even fully control the usage of his Ki. He had only the ability to manifest it about his hands to show of his exploits…


That’s it! Oahun realized, so obvious that he had forgotten it in his panic. Focusing himself internally, he attempted to calm his mind and do what had taken him so long during his last lesson. He felt his fingertips tingle as the surge of energy began to come forth, evaporating the moisture from his sweat soaked fingertips.. The plant began to grip tighter, sensing the struggle, and Oahun felt the energy being taken from him almost as quick as he produced it. “More….More….Give.. It….. MORE!” Oahun cried out as he felt the swell of life from within, the hidden potential of his years to come. He pulled it forth, coaxing it from his heart and mind and materializing it at his fingertips.

Beautifully written; that is all I can say about that.

His breathing now came heavily, his abdomen still shuddering from the intense strike the human male called Aivers had delivered.

Being that this is CnC I figured I would point a few options here. This is a dependent clause all by its lonesome. This can be fixed simply by placing the word 'was' in here, like:

“His breathing now came heavily, his abdomen was shuddering from the intense strike the human…”

That makes it a complete thought. Also, the word usage with “called” you may want to consider changing to:

“.. male named Aivers had delivered.” Or “…male known as Aivers had delivered.” Or even “…male known to be called Aviers.”

However, this is only opinion as I’m not sure if this is a rule, but these seem to flow better to me. You do it one more time in a latter post:

Oahun watched as the man called Shrives entered...

Even once more it happens. Again, I may be off but doesn’t seem to sit right with me. However, this is a very tiny mishap and in no way speaks on behalf of your work.

The flash back involving Oahun and his brother concerning their childhood dreams of their lives to be is very nicely done as well. I have to say, I am in like with your character and your writing style, I am enjoying this read very much so. I look forward to watching you in the saga.

Another thing I’d like to mention is how well I believe you captured the spirit of the namekian. I get a nice natural feeling with the way you express these, a people. You have a nice ‘Avatar’ vibe to the way you convey namek life. Mostly, when namekians join I see this effect being overlooked after a few posts; however, you have managed to continue to express it, successfully I might add.

And lastly I really enjoy how Oahun follows his own inner code in that he will only act if he can find the justification in it and once he does he is determined to see it through. It’s a tactic that makes it easy for the reader to get behind him and really root for Oahun.

Your second flashback with Oahun and his brother is yet again, very good. As I continue to read I am starting to think I have a new favorite writer to follow on chubbs, keep this up; Seriously.

I will continue reading your work, but that’s enough CnC for now. One last thing I may interject is that you may want to watch out for the randomness that can occur. If your character starts just bounding from one random event to the next it starts to feel less real. An issue that really doesn’t mean much because it’s still fun to just throw your character into things willie nillie, but my only real advise to you is that you may want to plan things out a bit more. I’m sure you have something planned for Oahun’s brother, but it feels that you don’t yet have a real objective with Oahun yet. I hope this is helpful. Good stuff!

[Oahun]

Wow, I've just got to say thanks for starts Carter! I'm really glad you enjoyed reading about him as much as I've enjoyed writing what I've done so far.

Thanks for the pointers with the independent clauses. I've got some work to do grammar-wise, although the things like "the man called Shrives..", were more me trying to convey what I imagine to be the Namekian style of speaking. "known as" seems a better substitute though. Thanks for the suggestion! I'll watch for that in the future.

You're pretty spot-on with what I wanted to do with Oahun though. I always wanted to know more about Namekians and decided to explore their culture and ideas in my writing. I like their simple way of life; how they didn't explore technology to its greatest potential even though they possess the means to do so. It was inspiring enough to make me want to join Chubbs and create a Namekian.

Like you said, I've actually planned out more for Oahun's brother than him, and most of his personal story will revolve around this somewhat cliche quest to be accepted as his equal for now. There will be twists here and there though, and I will polish out a more definite route for him in the future as I discover more about him.

The randomness ended after his first encounter with PaGa, and there is a method to the madness. Djora (another new member I'm related to), is playing out the other part of the story, and we'll be teaming up for "Its Not Easy Being Green." IMO I think after you read her stuff you'll find you already have a new favorite writer here at Chubbs. ;P

Anyways, thanks for all the praise, Its really boosted my confidence for writing more in the future! I'll be sure to return the favor soon (still working on all of Victoria's stuff! Hehe)