[C&C] Jayd

[Jesper]

New character, new thread. If you have any passing comments, feel free to drop them.

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=27689

And yes, I'm using Victoria's storyline. Thought it was cool, so with her blessing, I went with it.

EDIT: I'll try to return the favor, as well. Even for the longer threads.

[Victoria]

I really like Jayd, not just for obvious reasons. He's got that punk feeling, a rebel, but he also has a sense of knowing when to stay in line. I like that he doesn't know his powers, or how powerful he can become. I don't know what it is but I like characters that are snarky haha.

Your writing is, as always, very good. I know that last post was a bit of a struggle to get out, but I enjoyed it. You portray characters well. I especially like (as I told you) the two NPC's you introduced, they sound like fun.

My C&C is useless since you already know I like how you write x3, you're skill is probably beyond mine. I'm happy that you decided to do this story, and make it work for you.

[Orion]

Jayd's a solid character. He's got a troubled past due to a rough father and the subsequent events that occurred because of that. I would've liked to see Jayd in his natural environment a little more before he was captured by the Company. While we have a good idea of who he is, seeing him living day to day before his abduction would have helped solidify his character a little more.

Your writing style is quite enjoyable. I especially liked the scene where Jayd is hosed down, I actually laughed at the thoughts running through his head.

So far it's good, but I need something to keep me hooked. I know it's all introduction and what not, and while I enjoy your writing, I'm hoping that further down the story arc I'll be attached a little more.

[Carter]

I can't help but agree with Orion. Jayd seemed to of stood his ground all on his own and now I am upset we didn't get to see more of him on the run before he was captured.

With that said this is still a very good read, which was to be expected as I've always enjoyed what I have read from you. Personaly I loved your very first post with Jayd, the diner it had a nice "Pulp Fiction" feeling to it. It really pulled me into the story like "Whoa, where is this going."

I love your metephors such as the line about lemons and beer, that was good and made me smile. The only real negative I found was that it feels you are writing with an expectation of the reader to already know about the company. I can understand that this is forming from Victoria's arcs, however, you should still write as if this is all new to not only Jayd, but the reader. Explain this as if it was the first time we had ever heard of the company, because its your take on the company we're interested in. I foresee a problem of your writting becoming bland because "Vic's already gone over this" don't do that. You are a fantastic writer and we want to see your perspective. Just don't leave things out because we already know. Assume we know nothing, repaint whats already been painted in your own canvas.

Also, I like the clever method you used to tease the reader. The way you got us started with Jayd 101 so we were ready for something unique, yet pulled it at the last second to give us the bland generic basic training. Nice tactic for building suspense.

The only critique I can really give you is one that I have already mentioned a bit: Depth. There are parts in the story where bringing depth into it would have made it all the better. For instance when Jayd's emotions got the better of him and he hurt the investigator. You could have easily gone into depth there by waiting a bit before the scientist saved him. We have a tendacy to move from one thing to another without devoting enough to one event before moving on. My suggestion is to watch for this.

With that said, I think what I love most about your work is your interactions. The way Jayd interacts with people is top notch as he leaves an impression on every character he comes into contact with. For this and this alone I'm dying to write with you.

Great stuff so far, hope this helps.