My first ever roleplay on Chubbs

[Kazuya]

Its not bad. Short, but not bad. First off, nice descriptions, I know you were trying to convey that he was just a little boy, a brave one, and that's cool. Not many people can roleplay children like that.

A few suggestions I may offer: Watch punctuation, and break down your paragraphs.

For instance:

A silhouette hovered towards Goku Jr. While a creeping fog enveloped the white stone room they were in. Goku jr. was mortified, sweat pouring off of his face as he stood, rooted to his spot. He was strangely transfixed by the figure, watching her every move yet unable to himself. There was something strange about her, like he knew her from somewhere, except he knew for a fact that he had never seen her in his life. This confusion only caused his interest to rise; yet still he made no move, no evasive action, despite his intense and unexplained fear and anxiety caused by her. Yet he couldn?t look away. As he watched, a light began to form behind the figure; the light was so bright that it caused his eyes to burn and a magnificent headache to consume his head. A violent explosion then filled the room. Everything went numb

Notice the boldened parts. the 'W' in 'while' should have been lowercase, but that may have just been an oversight. Word likes to capatalize EVERYTHING after a period.

On the same note, after 'numb' there should have been a period. Again, maybe an oversight.

Now, as for breaking down your paragraphs, let me give you an idea of what a paragraph is.

A paragraph is a group of complete thoughts, with one sentence being the main point. It can occur anywhere in the paragraph, as long as the group it is in supports it.

Also, perhaps you can use a little bit of mystery in the beginning of your roleplays, like, don't just throw out his name in the first sentence. Describe him a bit before you go and reveal his identity.

As a rule of thumb, one should write their paragraphs so they flow, keeping the reader asking what will happen next. If you give out all the details in one shot, it becomes less interesting.

I am going to use the same example I did above from your roleplay.

A silhouette hovered towards the small, spiked haired boy, a creeping fog enveloping the white stone room the two small figures occupied. The child was mortified, rivulets of sweat pouring off of his delicately tanned face as he stood, frozen to the ground. A pair of coal black eyes were strangely transfixed by the figure before him, watching her every graceful move, and yet unable to do so himself.

There was something odd about her, like he knew her from somewhere, except he knew for a fact that he had never seen her in his life. This confusion only caused his interest to escalate; still he made no move, no evasive action, despite his intense and unexplained fear and anxiety caused by her.

And yet, he couldn?t look away. As he watched, a light began to form behind the figure, wrapping her in a halo of gold so bright, his eyes began to burn from the intensity. A sudden pain in his skull blossomed, and Goku Jr. knew that this headache was one that wasn't going to go away anytime soon.

Before he could raise his small arm to sheild his eyes from the magnificient beams, a violent explosion filled the room, consuming everything within it in its shower of white.

But, do you see what I mean? The original wasn't too bad, but with a little more work, and a few tips, it could become magnificient, and interesting. Use a thesaurus, its always a good tool to have around, even for the more experienced writers.

Overall, not a bad first roleplay. Just keep working at it, and you'll get into a good stride in no time.

Also, another hint, find you a roleplay buddy, exchange roleplays over PM or something, and proofread each other's works. That way, your buddy can point out what can be fixed if it doesn't seem right to them.

[Celena]

My first ever C&C

A silhouette hovered towards Goku Jr. While a creeping fog enveloped the white stone room they were in.

You should have placed a comma in front of Goku Jr instead of a full stop. I also noticed how you always put a full stop at the end of Goku Jr's name. I advice you not to do that, as some people may confuse it as a full stop, placed in the wrong line. You need to work on your punctuation, by putting your comma?s and full stops in the right places.

However, you do not use a repetition of your characters name, which is pretty good.

Goku jr. was mortified, sweat pouring off of his face

As I said before, remove the full stop from the end of his name. It should be 'sweat pouring off his head'. The word ?of? does not need to be paced after off. The word ?off? on its own fits fine.

There was something strange about her, like he knew her from somewhere,

Instead of using the word, ?like? flesh it out a little more. Say, 'There was something strange about her, it was as if he knew her from somewhere'

except he knew for a fact that he had never seen her in his life.

The words I put in bold do not need to be there. The word ?Knew? on its own is fine. Knowing something is actually facts.

Instead of saying shouldn't, wouldn't, couldn't, just use the correct term. 'Should not, would not, and could not.?

He looked around, scared, half expecting to be attacked.

Instead, try spicing up your sentences, flavouring them up. 'The hybrid saiyan looked around nervously, unsure with himself, whether anyone or anything was going to attack him.'

You see, by spicing it up, you get more words for your sentence.

But he was alone. What a thought. He was all alone on this planet by himself.

First off, never start a sentence with 'but'. The same rule applies to 'and', or 'because' etc. Instead of 'But' try using something like 'However'

Overall, it has the potential to be a good RP. I'm interested in seeing how you get on.

[Celena]

Np at all.