C & C Please

[Ander]

You started off with character development, so way to get a jump on that.

Originally written by Dende
There were three young teens one was a cocky spiky haired blond with blue eyes. This guy was dressed in a biker jacket and blue jeans. The other two were wearing sleeveless red muscle shirts and baggy black pants.

That's a little too much telling for me. I wish you would have been able to get that description across without actually underlining it in red ink, if you know what I mean. Integrate it into the story through action, or something. That's your main problem in this post.

Dende's got a 'tude, man. He's not nice. I was shocked. I admit, I had preconceived notions. Way to throw them out the window. But that's good: you didn't keep within the confines of what is expected. His personality shines through very vividly.

While your story had some thought in it, I wasn't all that into it, because the plot is a little overdone. I've seen the premise, I've used the premise. The writing ability is there, make no mistake. You've got a good grasp of things.

Also, you keep using the word "sense," when really you mean "since."