Sure, why not ask?

[Ashe]

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...post236551

I'm curious as to what you guys might think. After a rather shitty work day, I got my muse. Now its 8:30 AM, and I have to drive someone to the airport in Atl today, so bed for me, I guess.

[Ashe]

I also gave you guys a new tag to choose when I posted this.

[Ander]

*points*

I like your analogy of the dragonballs being "seeds in the wind." Noice.

Thanks for the source of the lyrics. Gives me a better grasp of the song. After listening to it in sync with the words, I can see it's the cherry on the roleplay. It really enhances the mood and plays to Reijin's character fairly well.

Originally written by Reijin
The image of his fist so casually flinching into the perfect location to shatter itself in a defensive grip as Reijin's own fist struck THROUGH his adversary's own.

That moment had placed Reijin at second place.

The last part of both sentences is kind of redundant (own/own; place/place). You're the kind of writer who utilizes every sentence, so a hiccup, even a little one, takes away some of the effect. I could see where you were going with it, so you still get the point across.

Hero among villains? That's kind of stretching it, but you behaved much better than some other contenders, especially considering what Rei is capable of committing.

All in all, good read. Reijin is the prick you can't help but bust out the popcorn for. His little pyschosis is pretty awesome, because he puts a face on his problems and doesn't blink. Those cameramen never stood a chance, lol.

[Ashe]

Originally posted by BardockHis little pyschosis is pretty awesome, because he puts a face on his problems and doesn't blink. Those cameramen never stood a chance, lol.

Explain this for me, if you can. I don't plan on doing a "oh here is the darkside" but everyone is entitled to their moment of "wall punching" so to speak, and this was the moment where Reijin actually grew angry (as opposed to any other outburst) and what he is like when he is angry. It was to show that even Reijin does have his moments when its best to just walk away.

The last part of both sentences is kind of redundant (own/own; place/place). You're the kind of writer who utilizes every sentence, so a hiccup, even a little one, takes away some of the effect. I could see where you were going with it, so you still get the point across.

I completely agree with you there. I felt myself tripping, and had just become distracted by something and really couldn't figure out how to better word that. I have noone to blame there but myself. The "own/own" part I had definately noticed; however, the "Placed/place" thing didn't really stand out to me as I didn't take into account a better wording.

Perhaps I should have reworded it as "It was that moment that had thrust Reijin from the forefront. It was that moment that he become second best."

[Ander]

Originally posted by Reijin

Originally posted by Bardock
His little pyschosis is pretty awesome, because he puts a face on his problems and doesn't blink. Those cameramen never stood a chance, lol.

Explain this for me, if you can. I don't plan on doing a "oh here is the darkside" but everyone is entitled to their moment of "wall punching" so to speak, and this was the moment where Reijin actually grew angry (as opposed to any other outburst) and what he is like when he is angry. It was to show that even Reijin does have his moments when its best to just walk away.

No, no. I didn't intend that as being his "dark side" in the least. What I meant by "putting a face on his problems" was that instead of seeing the cameraman, he saw Raditzu. The fact that Rad won when Reijin truly believes that he should have is needling him, and his focus is only for that of the reason he lost. Once you get a splinter in your skin, it's hard to ignore. Even if it wasn't all about Raditzu, Rei was going to throw his tantrum anyway, but his tunnel vision was manifested nicely. That's all I meant.

[Ashe]

Ah, gotcha.

I really appreciate your input. I didn't think anyone would respond b/c I don't take the time myself to read through and respond (I read some, but usually don't feel good about critiquing) to others. I definately appreciate any and all chances to improve my writing. Especially when I'm not able to rely on Word or anything to give me a spellchecking and thesaurus at the moment.