A little C&C on my latest...

[Super Buu]

First things first are the things I find easy to pick out. Mistakes are in bold.

Grammar/Spelling: Excellent for the most part, but I saw a few errors.

Once in a while, he scrounged market's theiving products such as cooked meat, bread and pizza's left in delivery boxes waiting to be stacked into the back of someone's van.

When pluralising something, you don't use a '. So it'd just be markets, pizzas etc. I noticed this a few times throughout the RP, like with "toddler's" and "window's". Also, I before E except after C ... mostly. You used the apostrophe correctly for someone's - it's used for ownership.

"Hey, I didn't mean it. I told you I hated that god damned game." Goku roared back.

"Well, I'm going in, my dinner is probably ready." One announced.

When you finish speech like above, you should end with a comma, then uncapitalise the non-verbal part. So something like:

"One time I farted, and this kid started crying. It was terrible," said Buu, shaking his head in shame.

There were a few times when sentences seemed 'clumsy'. For example.

Goku junior produced a small chuckle and watched his friends bring out a prompt dash off the play park and down the pavement.

Changing it around but keeping the source material identical, here's a reiteration:

Goku junior let out a small chuckle as he watched his friends promptly dash out of the play park and down the pavement.

'Bring out a prompt dash' seemed a little grammatically iffy, as well as 'off the play park'.

On a closing note I didn't get much of Goku Jr's own personality. There is a tendency with writers, especially RPers, just to write a story and a background, then take their character through it. I think one of the keys to exemplary writing is having a solid, defined personality. Even if that character is insecure and doesn't have a real 'identity', you need to show that through their speech and actions. You see this kind of stuff in Bra, Violet and Raditzu's writing, and you immediately get a sense of who that character is. This is something that I recommend to everyone in the RPG, not just you, since it's a very common tendency to simply write a character as you yourself would act. If that's how you want to play the RPG it's fine, but you then need to show your own character, even if you have to parody yourself (as I tried, and failed to do in the Digimon RPG - Greg there ended up being pretty different from myself ).


Apart from a collection of minor mistakes, your writing is very solid. You're already one of the 'good' writers in the RPG, with a little tweaking here and there you could be up there with the greats. Keep writing, and I look forward to your next post.