PCIII Official C&C

[Veritas]

Originally posted by Android 17

Originally posted by Jeice

Sorry i forgot the link. http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...21391&sid=

C&C on the either of the last two please .

and for Mura, i liked it, i don't know though lol cause I havn't had any complaints of anything about anyone's that I've read I thought they were all pretty good, so I don't know how credible i am 8o.

@Second Post: You need to work on grammar slightly. You had a number of minor slip ups that stood out in my eye. Most of them were comma splices, were you just fused two independent clauses and it looked all bleh. Other then that, you overdosed on the word 'alien'. Use some other terms like 'changeling', 'transformer', 'white-skinned invader', etc. More diversity in your word choice will help you a lot in the long run.

Other than that, you were boreding on too short in my standards, but what made the shortness worse was your lack of detail. Your fight came off as like, too bland. It was just like "He punched him, then kick, then got slapped, then fired a ki blast back." Expand upon the fight, give us some insight into what is running through Jeice's mind during the conflict. You understand what I mean?

Someone want to do one of these for me? Link

Alright thanks, I'll take all of that into consideration for my next posts .