[C&C] Dreams and Doorways

[Alexander Trafford]

If anyone has read any of my RP's so far, or would like to, i would love to get some C&C. I'm not really sure how i'm doing, and i'm RPing a different kind of character in a different kind of story than i'm used to. Any advice, insight, critiques, or compliments would be much appreciated, thanks in advance.

As of now there are 3 roleplays in the story.

Link: http://cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25044

[Alexander Trafford]

If anyone has read any of this story, whether it be the entire thing or one quarter of one post, feedback would be appreciated, thanks again.

[Vad]

Going to link you to this thread for my feed back.

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25220

Good Job!

[Alexander Trafford]

My post tonight concludes Chapter 1 of Dreams and Doorways. If anyone has read anything and would like to offer feedback, that'd be very much appreciated. I'll probably take tomorrow off from writing if anyone would like to catch up on the story before i get chapter two underway.

What's the deal with the military experimentation flashback?

Why is Alex's relationship with his father so cold?

Will General Trafford's prediction come true?

What the fuck is OmniCorp and why are they looking for him?

Who or What is the Nova?

Will Alex fall in love with a prostitute?

All questions will be answered in the chapters to come!

[Cain]

Beginning with Six:
The opening paragraph is strong, and helps develops this disonant looking figure in your sig. You feel for the kid, as he seems to have only known a certain type of people. He associates with the dregs of the draft, and that gives him humble beginnings.


I like that you research menial things, or already know about them, example in the juggling bit.


I have some conflicts with your description but only out of personal preference. Nothing grammatical.

A man was cut by a thrown coffee pot, but not burned in a scuffle in post seven. Everything after this is well crafted. Looking forward to working with you.

[Cain]

Beginning with Six:
The opening paragraph is strong, and helps develops this disonant looking figure in your sig. You feel for the kid, as he seems to have only known a certain type of people. He associates with the dregs of the draft, and that gives him humble beginnings.


I like that you research menial things, or already know about them, example in the juggling bit.


I have some conflicts with your description but only out of personal preference. Nothing grammatical.

A man was cut by a thrown coffee pot, but not burned in a scuffle in post seven. Everything after this is well crafted. Looking forward to working with you.

[Cain]

Sorry that post took so long.

[Alexander Trafford]

my computer is in the shop, this is a library computer. i probably won't be able to post until this weekend. so, no worries.

[Alexander Trafford]

[I figured i'd post some descriptions about different elements in the storyline for anyone who happens to be following.]

Dreams and Doorways is the tale of an average man, looking to escape his past and mold his own future, who, through a series of inevitable events, is caught up in a multi-faceted conflict involving a massive corporation. The corporation in question, the Omni Corporation, is an international powerhouse that has it's hand in practically every sector of human life. OmniCorp's most prominent, and most competitive, sector is it's private military operations. The story takes place when Alex Trafford, the aforementioned young man, is dragged into a looming conflict involving OmniCorp by his father, a general and chairman of OmniCorp's standardized military unit, the OmniCorp Security Force. From there, young Alex gets caught up in a whirlwind of external and internal clashings that seem to center around the OmniCorp Security Force's chief rival, Nova, an elite fighting unit utilized by OmniCorp, and it's mysterious chairman, Mr. Phillips.

Omni Corporation:
A massive international corporation that houses multiple independently operated sectors within it's massive headquarters. Some of these sectors include, Real Estate, Urban Development, Defense Contracting, Medical Research and Technology, Energy Harvesting, Waste Management, Agriculture and Paramilitary.

OmniCorp Security Force:
OmniCorp's largest and most standarized paramilitary unit, consists of many ex-soldiers, would-be policemen and the best of the best prison guards. A very handy unit, they operate without hesitation by order of the Chairman of the OSF, and the President of Paramilitary Operations, General Trafford.

Sector Nova:
Commonly referred to as Nova, this association is the elite of OmniCorp's paramilitary outfit. Selecting the best of the best from the OSF, as well as direct recruiting for themselves, they have authority of some of the most specialized soldiers in West City. Particularly ruthless and known for their cruelty, Nova operates under the school of thought that 'the ends always justify the means'. Also, the Nova wing at OmniCorp houses its own personal prison system, and its own experimental research laboratories. It is rumored that these experiments include energy infusions into the soldiers, giving them superior strength, speed and, sometimes, strange abilities, though no evidence exists to prove such claims. Nova is under the command of Chairman Richard Phillips.

Lucius Malcolm
President of Omni Corporation:
President of the entire corporation, Malcolm is one of the most prominent and powerful people in all of West City. He is an aging, proud man who has an unmatched work ethic and requires pristine results from everyone he employs.

General Samuel Trafford
President of Paramilitary Operations, Chairman of OSF:
General Trafford is arguably one of the proudest and most important people at OmniCorp, with the exception of President Malcolm. He commands the entire Paramilitary sector, including the OSF and Nova, and he personally commands all movements and actions of the OSF. With the rise of Nova, he finds his authoritarian grip on power slipping. He is also the estranged father of Alexander Trafford, the story's protagonist.

Richard Phillips
Chairman of Sector Nova:
Chairman Phillips is an overly ambitious, incredibly strategic commander who controls all the movements and actions of Nova, OmniCorp's most efficent and elite fighting unit. Phillips was chosen by Malcolm personally to head day-to-day operations at Nova due to his unrivaled ambition. Phillip's constantly strives to make Nova the hallmark of OmniCorp military operations, always petitioning the President for sole authority over missions. His incredible rise to power and early success has him currently threatening General Trafford for President of Paramilitary Operations, and possibly as a successor to the Presidency of the whole company.

James McDonald
Chairman of the Prison System:
Mr. McDonald is the sitting Chairman of OmniCorp's massive privatized prison sector, not the holding cells controlled by Nova. He is relatively young and has a an ambition and worldview that rivals Chairman Phillips. The two are only aquaintances as of now, but he is seen by many in the corporation to be a potential lap-dog of the Nova Chair.

Alice
West City Prostitute:
Alice is a reasonably popular whore residing in the slums of West City, working out of a well-known side street that is a cesspool for gambling, drug dealing, gang warfare and prostitution. Cops generally avoid the area for fear of being attacked by one of the many gangs occupying the area. Alice seems to have a lively, cheerful personality, one that contrasts with many other down-trodden hookers working in the area.

Moe
Homeless Heroin Addict:
Moe subway swelling middle aged man who looks much older than he actually is. He has been known to assist the increasingly popular street entertainer Alex Trafford with his routine. The two have an agreement, where Moe gathers large crowds for Trafford in exchange for some money to purchase smack.

Victor Slade
Street Entertainer, Gang Banger:
Overall shithead and prominent douschebag, Victor Slade is the godfather of the modern street entertaining industry. He created a 'union' of sorts where he and his goons have a monopoly on the entertainment in poverty stricken areas, all those who do not adhere to his gang's rule are banished to performing in the subway. From 7 am to 3 pm on weekdays, you might find him working a cash register at the local Home Depot. Victor Slade loves wearing tight leather.

Alexander Trafford
Ex-Child Prodigy, Street Entertainer:
Being the son of the most outstanding general in recent memory and a prominent socialite, Alex was groomed in his parent's image from a very young age. Throughout his early life he was subjected to rigorous schedules and continous days of work without play. Exceeding all expectations through private school, young Trafford was a model young man, so promising in fact that his parents volunteered him for a revolutionary, and controversial, experiment at OmniCorp. Most details about the experiment are unknown, only that it was deemed a failure and he was released, only after which he began experiencing the birth of strange abilities.

Choosing not to live the life of his parents, he now occupies a very small flat in the West City slums. He lives the care-free lifestyle of a street entertainer, with a particular taste for cigarettes, large quantities of alcohol, and prostitutes.

[Alexander Trafford]

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread....post499383

Finally, after 58 microsoft word pages and over 30,000 words we are at the final chapter: Ode to my Blackened Soul.

This piece has become more grim then i originally had planned in order to fit my desire to have Alex become a darker character.

Anyone that has read any of this piece, i would love any feedback concerning anything from my character, to the storyline, to the style, structure, grammar and flow of individual posts. All C&C is welcome!

[Alexander Trafford]

Storyline concluded. Epilogue to follow tomorrow and provide closure. With 70.5 pages of Times New Roman 12 pt. fond and over 39,000 words this marks my longest single storyline i've ever written and, in my personal opinion, my best work.

Please people, don't be shy on the CnC. I'll take anything! If you happened to read one paragraph three months ago, don't shy away! I don't care how much you read, if you loved it or hated it, anything that has to do with my writing style, my grammar, my structure, the storyline, the characters of with Alex - please share! I am in dire need of critique.