Zader

[Zader]

Name: Zader

Age: 12

Race: saiyan

Sex: Male

Starting Planet: Vegeta

Profession: Unemployed

Fighting Style: courageous

Short Bio: Zader was training with his father when he got angry because he coulden't hit his father and in a rage he realeased his hidden power and hit his fatther as hard as he could in the gut and from then on he knew he had a hidden power.

General Description: (couldn,t get the picture on) He stands at 4,9 with a tail wrapped around his yellow and dark blue saiyan armor. glozes on his hands and boots on his feet. black hair and black eyes.

Starting Abilities: Ki Sense, Ki Specialization

Trait: Compassionate

Stats: all must be a combined total of 100%, with the exception of choosing Inner Strengh as an Ability, which gives you an extra 15%

Strength - 45%
Focus - 15%
Endurance -25%
Agility - 15%

Role-play Sample: One day when Zader and his father where out walking their village was attacked by primative saiyans. When they got back the last three survivors where being surroundrd so they jumped into action and took all but two down.

when the survivors told them what happened Zader jumped up into the air and flew of in a rage One of the survivors yelled "wait you can't take them alo-" "Shhhhhh in this rage he could take on 5 of them and there are only two left."

in a rage Zader said to himself. "You're gonna pay for my mothers death."and sped off after them. When he caught up with them they had landed and where laughing at how weak "that lady was" this made him even more enraged. He revield himself and said "you two will pay. RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAHHHHHHHH" and in one blast both primative saiyns where gone. He jumped in the air and sped of home.
Son what about the primative saiyans?" "Dont worrie about them they're gone." And with that said they got back to thir training. But every now and then he would train alone in the woods enraged by his mothers death.

[Zader]

sorry the RP is 103 words short but it was the best i could think of

[Kazuya]

Hello, Zader.

I need to ask you to please work on your roleplay sample more, take a look at different posts in our IC boards for better examples and please try again.

[Zader]

ok thx ill do my best and can you edit profiles or do i have to send it as a reply?

[Kazuya]

You have to wait until you're a member to edit your profile.

[Zader]

2nd RP sample: Zader woke in his bed to a horrible dream he remembered the night of his best friends death but that was 3 years ago. He wondered why it was quiet then he realised this wasn't the good type of silence it was the bad silence. then he realised no one was here. he got out of bed and put his armor on and when he walked outside he saw his father nearly unconsious. "Father...Father what happened?" "They took her use your ability to sense and follow the others that whent after them."
"Ok but who took who." "uhhhhhhhhggggggggg"

Zader sensed the others and flew off in a hurry. "Hey guys Where are we going?" "to get your mum back." When he heard his mum had been taken he was enraged his power grew because he as enraged and when he found the saiyans that took his mum he said in a confident voice "Give me back my mum or you'll be sorry." The other saiyans laughed in his face and then he flew at them and in one punche he felt himself fall to the ground then it was just dark untill he awoke in a hospital bed. "Ahhhhhh." He screamed as he woke up. "Where's mother and father?" Then a voice came from the guy sitting in the chair. "I found your father then found you and i brought you two to the hospital he's in the bed right next to you. But i never found your mum." As zader said to himself in his heead i wonder where my mum is. the guy said "my name is trenzor i am a saiyan like you i was doin some flying training when i found you you should be thank full you nearly died." "Oh thankyou sir i'm very greatefull how can i make it up to you?"
"Well you could let me train you. I'll teach you how to become a good fighter and you'll get alot stronger then you ca get your mother back." "Ok Trenzor ill do it." and with that said they walked away from the building and flew off.

[Kazuya]

Please take a day or two to check over our IC forums and study our style of writing. We're very particular over how we write here. It would also help if you have Microsoft Word or an equivalent to edit your roleplays for grammar and errors before posting them.

[Zader]

ok i will but can you please tell me what im getting wrong? and point me in the right direction

[Zader]

3rd RP: With sweat dripping down the side of his face Zader woke to I giant explosion in the distance. He ran outside and felt two powers one he had never felt and one that felt like his father. He knew he had to help his father but what could he do he only had a power of 3000 and his father and this other guy had much higher power levels there was nothing he could do. All of a sudden he felt an explosion then his dad flew over and yelled,” hide my son hide from this monster coming after me” and that’s exactly what he did.
When he came out from hiding he saw a man standing over his father. “Get out of here kid while you have a chance.” (What? No if I leave my dad will be killed.) “LET MY DAD GO, TAKE THIS RRRRAAAHHHHHHH.” But the man disregarded the beam and began choking his dad. “LET HIM GO!!!!!!!!!!!!” and he released a fury of attacks on the man getting him at first but then was knocked out and left unconscious.
When Zader woke he was in his bed wondering what happened. Then he realised who put him in his bed? He ran outside and looked around then he saw someone “Hey you over there.” He yelled “What happened?” Well when I got here you where unconscious, a man walking toward you, Which I killed quickly and your..... Your f... father dead. “RRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRR NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.” And right there and then Zader took off into the sky and flew off. Where was he going? No one knew but he was angry.
Zader recognised something from the saiyans armour it was a little triangle with a star in the middle of it. The Saiyan was from the shibi clan he was going to take revenge on the shibi clan and then he would go on his own adventures.
(hpe this gets me through i really wanna RP and total words 319)

[Kazuya]

Take a look at this: http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread....post510445

It's a recent roleplay I made detailing some of my character's exploits. While my story itself isn't exactly important, it's the overall form of it. By form, I mean that when someone is talking, I place what each character is saying on a separate line, as well as any supporting details important to the dialog. Also, it is important to add an extra line break to separate paragraphs.

Take time to further flesh out your story, add supporting details, and try to draw out as much as you can to paint this story within your reader's mind. Have a friend read it over to see if it flows to them.

A really good place to go for tips is here: http://www.coreygreen.com/storytips.html

Feel free to try again later. Take a day or two to really work on your sample. Like in real life, your sample is sort of like a resume, the more organized and to the point it is, the better chance you have of being accepted.

-Kaz

[Zader]

Zaders face filled with terror as he dreamed of the night he was attacked and wonderd where and when he'd be attacked, take in mind he was 4 back then and now he's 12 so he's alot stronger mabey he could fight this time.
(this is a sample after i read a little of your story and whent to the website plz tell me if it is starting to sound good.)

[Zader]

hey if i ever get accepted what do you do in the roster place?

[Zader]

(ok if this is,nt good then i don't know what is if i get it wron plz tell me what im getting wrong.)

4th RP:The warm breeze of Vegetas nights felt pleasant on Zaders face. He hadn’t felt this kind of breeze in a while, since they’re in the run from the Saiyan tribe Kenshibi. They had finally lost them and could finally rest, sitting by a camp fire that Zader could feel on his right cheek and the warm breeze was hitting his left cheek.

Zader was asleep dreaming peacefully when his face filled with terror he was dreaming and it wasn’t the good type of dream just then he woke to see everyone safe and sound, asleep on the ground. The next time he woke wasn’t too pleasant he could sense the saiyans and they were coming and fast.What were they going to do they could run no more the

What were they going to do they could run no more they had o fight.
“Mum, Dad their coming!”
“What get the senzu beans and eat one.”
They were all out of energy they had to get to them and fast but they only had a few seconds.
“I guess we’ll have to fight.”
When the saiyans got there were 2 tall ones and one about Zaders height. It was hard to distinguish their strength since they were nearly just as strong as each other.
“I’ll take the small one, I can handle him.” Zader said confidently. Are you so sure? I’ve been holding back.”
“Don’t worry, so have I.”
Just then the Saiyan jumped in the air and released a powerful energy beam. It was rushing towards Zader when he hit the beam away with one hand. Then Zader flew at the Saiyan and released a fury of punches hitting the Saiyan in the gut. When Zader stopped punching the other Saiyan kicked him square in the gut and sent him flying down to the ground. Zader got up and flew at the Saiyan. When he reached him the Saiyan was about to punch Zader he heard “RRRRAAAHHHHHH.” Zader had lost his temper and released an energy wave and destroyed the Saiyan.

I’m done over here.”
“So are we.” Zader and his family had killed their pursuers and are safe at last.
:”Zader it’s time you go on your own adventures and travel to other planets. Go my son you are strong enough.”

Zader flew off towards the capital city of Vegeta hoping to find some friends. This is not the last of his adventures it is only the beginning...

[Kazuya]

I'm sorry, Zader, but at this time, I do not believe you are ready to join our RPG. Please try again at a later date.

-Kazuya

[Zader]

ok i will but i just don't know what im getting wrong. ;(

[Zader]

could you plz tell me what im getting wrong

[Kazuya]

Okay, I’m going to be blunt, but I will break down your latest submission and show you. You seem pretty young, so I’m trying to take that into consideration. However, good writing skills comes in handy far beyond the scope of playing a game. Later on in life, you may wish to use your skills in your career, or whatever you decide. And people are always impressed with good writing skills.

I’m happy that you’re taking an interest in trying to improve, and I will help you as much as I can, but ultimately, it is up to you to channel your inner writer. Pay attention, this’ll help you later on, too. Also, practice makes perfect.


My personal suggestion to you is to check out this website: http://webschool.wash.k12.ut.us/language/lessons/ READ THIS. These are lessons from an actual elementary school curriculum that explain how to make well structured sentences in a very easy to understand fashion. Each lesson also comes with a test you can do to test yourself and see if you fully understand.
Let’s take the first two paragraphs of your post.

The warm breeze of Vegetas nights felt pleasant on Zaders face. He hadn’t felt this kind of breeze in a while, since they’re in the run from the Saiyan tribe Kenshibi. They had finally lost them and could finally rest, sitting by a camp fire that Zader could feel on his right cheek and the warm breeze was hitting his left cheek.

Zader was asleep dreaming peacefully when his face filled with terror he was dreaming and it wasn’t the good type of dream just then he woke to see everyone safe and sound, asleep on the ground. The next time he woke wasn’t too pleasant he could sense the saiyans and they were coming and fast.What were they going to do they could run no more the

I ran this through Microsoft word and there is at least seven errors. With the first paragraph, let’s start with punctuation.
Possessive nouns

A possessive noun is a noun that names who or what has something.

Add an apostrophe and s ('s) to form the possessive of most singular nouns.

Add an apostrophe (') to form the possessive of plural nouns that end with s.

Add an apostrophe and s ('s) to form the possessive of plural nouns that do not end with s.

Vegeta’s and Zader’s should be possessive nouns, and as such, following the above rules I posted, should have an apostrophe before the s, since they are singular pronouns. Also, remember to properly place commas and spaces after punctuation.

Now, beyond grammar (but still really, really close), is just your style. Good writers tend to draw their readers’ attention by using sentences that makes them want to keep reading. If you tell your reader all at once what is happening, that doesn’t leave them enough recourse to keep reading, because then they’ll know what’s going to happen. A little suspense goes a long way.

The steps to creating a good roleplay, regardless of your style is as follows:

• Set the scene. Describe the surroundings, paint the picture within your reader’s mind.
  
• Coherency and structure. Reread over your posts and pick off anything that is excessive. Make sure your sentences make sense.
  
• Dialog is important! I read mine out loud to see how mine flows. Awkward dialog can ruin an otherwise good story.
  
• Having a clear plot, even if it isn’t fully revealed to the reader just yet. Roleplays like the ones we have here all have a plot, and as such, are part of an even bigger plot. And even further, are part of an even bigger plot. It goes on and on. There is no limit to the amount of subplots you can have, but make sure it makes sense!
  

I hope this helps you, and make sure you check out that website I listed up there. It will greatly help you out, and don’t feel ashamed if you think it’s too childish for you. Even grown folks use it. Personally, I find that the simpler something is explained to me, the better I understand it, and will delve further into learning about it.

Good luck, and thanks for your interest in CDBZ.

-Kaz

[Zader]

ok thanks Kaz evry now and then i might post a sample of what i've got if you could tell me how it sounds that would be great and when i'm confident ill post a Rp to try and get acepted.

[Zader]

this is just a sample could you tell me if it sounds good then ill post the rest and you can reject it or accept it.




Sitting on the cold, rough, rocky cliff looking down on a small village with no more than 4 dozen people in it, Zader sat. He wondered if his brother was down there waiting for the chance to strike down innocent people. He kept thinking to himself, the last time he fought his brother he was left for dead, but he knew that this time he was stronger. Just then he smelt a Smoke tinge in the air, then he heard a high pitched scream. At that moment he jumped off the cliff and down into the village.

[Zader]

Here's the whole post (note probably will be rejected)


Sitting on the cold, rough, rocky cliff looking down on a small village with no more than 4 dozen people in it, Zader sat. He wondered if his brother was down there waiting for the chance to strike down innocent people. He kept thinking to himself, the last time he fought his brother he was left for dead, but he knew that this time he was stronger. Just then he smelt a Smoke tinge in the air, then he heard a high pitched scream. At that moment he jumped off the cliff and down into the village.

“Zeorn! Where are you?“
Little brother? What are you doing here?”
“I’m here to kill-“and before he could finish Zeorn jumped in the air and released an energy beam powerful enough to destroy a city. Zader had to do something he couldn’t let these innocents die, so he released an energy beam just as powerful. As they collided in the air an explosion of colours burst through the sky and as soon as they came they left because Zader and Zeorn went at it. You could hardly follow their movements. One minute Zaders on the ground the next minute Zeorns on the ground.

It was blow for blow with these two. It seemed that Zader was winning when Zeorn hit him in the back with a sneaky energy beam. Zader fell to the cold hard ground unconscious.
“I knew you couldn’t kill me.” Then Zeorn flew off into the dark night filled with dark gloomy rain clouds. When Zader woke he noticed he was in a warm soft bed in a dark room.
“Where am I?”
“You’re in our hospital resting. We saved you from dying after you drove that dark saiyan from our village. Thankyou Mr.”
“Little girl I have to go.” Then Zader stood up and put his feet on the cold ground nearly falling over because it was pitch black. He walked out of the room and flew off into the morning mist. As he flew off he said “I have to kill my brother he’s a danger to all people.