See ehn See

[Raditzu]

Zangya vs Garlic Junior

The ideas behind your post were great. Your writing of GJ was brief and vague enough to avoid bunnying, but was characteristic enough to make the reader feel like you had a decent enough handel on your opponent's character.

The biggest problem I had with reading your post was... well... reading your post. The flow of your writing definitely needs some work. It doesn't seem as though you've actually read what you've written and I think that would go a long way to help you improve. And when I say "read" I mean actually read out loud. Speak the words. The very first sentence is a perfect example:

Originally posted by Zangya
Zangya situated her lanky figure as she lifted herself up from the floor subsequent to her most recent assault on the petite lime skinned midget, sending a swaggering sneer towards her hindered adversary.

Yowza. That's a mouth full. Normally, when people are writing somewhere like Chubbs, I try to ignore run-ons and fragments and minor conventional errors (unless they're a particularly good writer, then you gotta nit-pick) but you have some pretty serious structural problems with your post. What I quoted wouldn't be nearly so bad if it hadn't been the first thing the writer read. The other thing I wanted to point out, in the same vein, was dialouge. Specifically this piece of dialouge:

Originally posted by Zangya
?And this time, I?m not going to make the same mistake that I had made the last time you were in this position.["]

Its an awkward read and a definitely clunky and its supposed to be something that someone is actually saying. Infinitely moreso than narrative prose, dialouge has to be believable. There's a more substantial burden on a writer where dialouge is concerned because dialouge helps shape a characters demeanor and personality. If the character is supposed to talk in a very unorthodox, awkward way, then so be it -- that's not the case here.

The other somewhat negative critism I have is that, while the what you wrote was idealistically good, there was very little content. When the post started, Zangya and GJ were facing off and GJ had just been "blinded." When your post ended, Zangya and GJ were facing off and GJ had just been "blinded." There was a minor exchange, but not very much happened. There needs to be substantial enough content in your post for whoever you're writing with to play off of. If your partner(s) end up being forced to come with plot progression on their own over and over again, they're not going to want to post at all. Just imagine that you're the one that has to post again; you want to give "yourself" as much to work with as possible.

Ok. I know that that sounds like a lot more con than it is pro, but I'm not saying that your post was bad or that you're a bad writer. I think you definitely have the creativity and ability to write very enveloping and dynamic roleplays. Being able to do that, however, means taking the time to refine your technique and learn the little tricks that can really help you out. Like I said in the first paragraph, I think you have some great ideas in your writing and, despite what I said above, they come through in your writing. If you stick with it, I think you could definitely be one of the better writers here at Chubbs.

---------------

I don't normally try to be such a CnC whore, but this was an all fighting post and I wanted to see how it worked out.

I'd also like to say that I do my best to give as detailed and thoughtful critism as I can, and I would appreciate if others do the same in return. Two or three line replies don't sit well with me. No one here is a perfect writer (I'd argue there's no such thing as "perfect" writing) so just saying "it was great now please read mine" is a pretty lame thing to do.

Burter vs Raditzu

My second post in that thread, if you don't mind.

[Burter]

If you guys don't mind, I call Rad's post

[Raditzu]

I almost did that with Zangya's. I was sure I would hit "Post Reply" and see someone had beaten me to it. Woulda been a waste.

[Burter]

I'm just finishing my roleplay so I want to actually post something for the next dude to C&C.

I'm ending the spar, btw, but definetly not due to lack of fun. This was a fantastic way to break Burter back into it

[Burter]

Okay Rad, I know you like huge C&C posts but I just wanna say right off the bat that the post was near perfect, so I'm not going to have a whole lot to say to you without repeating things I've told you before. I could just nitpick and find little grammar errors but there's no point to that.

In a recent PM you said you only write when you get an idea, so my advice is to take the many ideas you get and spread them into more, shorter roleplays

One of your biggest problems is that you love to write really long posts. You're very good at taking one long post and making someone sit down and read the whole thing. But on occasion (and I notice it's happened more recently, as in towards the end of DA last year and now popping up again) you kind of lose flow halfway through.

Here's an example, since I can't quite explain it without one. You take all of your ideas and you cram them into one big, fun-filled roleplay, and that pretty causes a novel post that is, as I said, one idea after the other. "Next, next, next, next." What you could do instead is spread the ideas out over many other roleplays, thus giving more detail to each idea. In other words, writing more, shorter roleplays.

I find that if you focus on one thing, you'll get a lot more accomplished then you if you just wrote everything that you had on your head at once.

It should be noted that I talk from total bias, as I prefer writing short posts and I like spreading all the ideas over many roleplays.

I hope that makes sense. I have a feeling you're gonna look at this and be like "wtf is he talking about?" =(


My post is in the same thread. The last one, please.

Burter vs Raditzu

[Raditzu]

Nah, I totally understand. Thanks, I appreciate it.

[OldSpice]

Criticize me Cap'n

[Burter]

The policy is to give critism, then get critism

[Retane]

I call Burter. And if he aint done I'll do s[ice as well. Just leaving me with time for my own rp to hit up.

[Burter]

No offense Retane, but I really really really don't want advice from you

[Retane]

The spectators looked up just as Burter and Raditzu exchanged blows as rapid speed.

at

It had been a long time since Burter had fought against a serious opponant who stood a chance against him, and he had to admit it was refreshing.

opponent,

Other then that... Fucking awesome. NOthing but purte gold man. No, I'm not kissing ass. I'd read every book you wrote if I could. Cant Critisize anything else Nows for Spice.

Edit: Meh none tooken.

[Burter]

We're not looking for someone to proofread little mistakes here =/

[Retane]

OK got it. Spice. I was lost at first. Hadn't read the first Rp, you know. But your writing allowed for me to quickly catch on. I liked it. I don't know what to tell you 'cept do your best and all. Burter would be better at that though.

[OldSpice]

Originally posted by Burter
The policy is to give critism, then get critism

I was going to, however I figured since you had already gotten to Raditzu, there was no need, or use, for me to give him C&C.

Also, thanks for the feedback Retane.

[Old Zangya]

Originally posted by Spice

Originally posted by Burter
The policy is to give critism, then get critism

I was going to, however I figured since you had already gotten to Raditzu, there was no need, or use, for me to give him C&C.

Also, thanks for the feedback Retane.

Burter had linked to one of his posts in his post for criticism. Look at the very bottom.

[OldSpice]

*falls over* Eh...must have missed that. My fault.

[Burter]

Sooo can someone give me some real C&C?

[Nappa]

I'm on it.

Okay, first of all, it looks to me as though you're a bit on the rusty side. I don't know how much writing you've been doing of late, but that's the perception I'm getting. Let's get a few examples to show you what I mean:

If it weren't for the high-tech and expensive equipment that covered the entire dojo wall-to-wall, the collision between Raditzu's ki-fused fist and Burter's kinetic shield would have caused the entire space station to erupt in a firework show. Fortunetly, thanks to the machines around the two, the explosion was dummed down and did only enough to knock every single onlooker back onto their ass.

From where I'm sitting, that's an tad on the redundant side. You established that there was machinery surrounding them, then you go and remind us unnecessarily. However, as stated above, these are just my perceptions on the matter.

The spectators looked up just as Burter and Raditzu exchanged blows as rapid speed. Most of them couldn't follow the shots at all, as neither seemed to be doing any damage from the outside, mainly because all they could see were arms and lets flurrying up and down.

If the spectators can't follow the blows, how could the tell whether damage was being inflicted? Hmmm, I worded that wrong, let's see...

When I picture two people fighting at super-human speeds, I picture their entire bodies, not just their arms or legs, not lets, flailing wildly. If this is accurate, then they wouldn't be able to tell anyway, so I think that too is an unnecessary statment.

As far as fight description goes, you seem to go for the more simplistic, instead of the more lyrical approach that some tend to take. I, personally, don't like that. Showing not telling. Basic principle of writing. In your fights, as well as in general, you seem to do too much telling, not enough showing.

Immediately upon hitting the ground, both fired five ki blasts at once, and all ten knocked into each other and cancelled each other out. Before anymore taunts could be said, they matched up again in melee, this time with Burter coming out on top with a hard kick to the saiyan's burly chest.

Where were there taunts said? Are you talking to in a previous roleplay, or this:

"Here we go!" He declared just as fist was raised up, ready to crash down upon his target.

If you do mean that, I wouldn't consider that a taunt, per se. If you don't, then I'm lost.

There are some grammatical/spelling errors, but I don't feel it necessary to bring them to light.

Overall, I'd give it a...6.8/10. I've know you can do better, and I expect to see it down the line.

Hope that helps. Chances are it won't, but I tried.

[Deo]

So Recoome doesn't have a post he wants C&C'd?

[Jeice]

I do I do!

Yamu vs Jeice

It's been a while since I RP'ed a spar, so I'm interested to know how other people think I did.