CnC game

[Tapion]

You review the person above you. Post a link of your own. Next person reviews that. Cycle goes on. Pretty self explanatory, huh? Alright someone else go first, I don't want to be cheap and not review someone just because I started the thread.

EDIT: Obviously Burter has dozens of RPs to read so he's only giving letter grades. If you do this you only have one RP to read, so elaborate a bit on your responses.

[Android-18]

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...ostcount=6

Okies, go me.

[Tapion]

At first I was a bit iffy on the multiple uses of the words 'she' and 'her' in the first paragraph. Seemed a bit too much. But then on a second read through when I remembered 18 had no memory I REALLY liked the usage of those words. Not being able to remember obviously would make a person feel insignificant, no life to recall makes you just another face in the crowd. In that case the usage of non specific words like 'she' and 'her' actually lent itself very nicely to 18's current attitude and the overall feel of the post. By NOT being specific, your putting the reader a bit into her mind.

I feel like 'deer in the headlights' 18 could easily be one of the more distinguishable characters this year. Right now I feel generally bad for her. You did a very good job much as I could tell in such a short post conveying 18's helplessness and pitying the character gives me a major reason to root for her. I'm definitely interested to how things develop for her after getting a bit more involved.

I'd say very solid B+. Most of my praise comes from your character work, which has the foundation to be pretty phenomenal this year. I'd say keep up with what your doing here, but move along at a steady pace too. I don't think this is a gimmick that you can ride from start to finish without mixing it up a bit, but as long as you add some development to the situation it'll work itself out perfectly.

EDIT:

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...stcount=10

Burter gave it a D, which is the worst grade issued so far. Obviously something is wrong. Someone helpz meh! Anyone criticism would be appreciated.

[Burter]

It's just text. That's what's wrong with it. It was just one long block of "I'm here."

[Zangya]

@Tap: I have to agree with Burter. It was alright, but it was most definitely boring. I remember some of your writing from last year and found myself unpleasently surprised reading that, because I know that you're a good writer. I think that you have the potential to do much better than that, and plus, it was early in the morning, so I'm giving you a break and not going full on criticism on it. I'll give you a few pointers, though.

Now, as far as the length. I realize that Burter said he doesn't like the length too much, but I have to say that I have come across several RPs in DA that are just too short. I had some last year, I realize that, but I think that personally, I don't see the appeal of putting up four to five small paragraphs. I think it should be a bit longer, but then, that's just my personal preference.

As for content, I thought that what happened was slightly boring. The action that played out in the post was very minimal, and in my opinion, dully executed. You simply explained that he took everything out of the bag, sat it in the sand, and then felt the game beginning. He didn't bite his nails in nervousness, or run his hands through his hair in anxiety? I just thought that the action was generally limited, and that not enough adverbs were used to modify it. When you picture Tapion acting in your post, you see something that almost resembles a robot.

Overall, a 6.5/10. Hope my criticism was helpful, Tap.

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...ostcount=7

[Aero]

Tapion:


It just seemed like a nicely worded post. Nothing else. Didn't give any type of feeling or tone. And there was no reason to go into a spasm of detail about things that really meant nothing. You would've been better off without the detail, to be honest.

Lastly, and the most annoying part, was the fact that it was a typical post. It was one of those posts that you felt as if you've read a hundred times. (i.e. examining the contents in the bag). Things like that just get old after you read it from various fighters. You could have remedied that by adding some mental thoughts or emotion and not just "Plotting plans". You don't even have to be truthful about the emotions or whatnot. You coul've just put some vague plans. Or, even better, you could've written about a possible revenge that correlated with the items in your bag.


So, basically, I back Burter's grade. It just seemed excruciatingly bland. I expected better from someone that killed in in the previous DA. =P



Me:
http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...stcount=14




EDIT: FUCK! All right, I'll give you CnC, Zang, just give me a moment.

[Aero]

Zangya:


The thing I like about your writing is that you're not the most skilled person as far as vocabulary. But you make up for that with some reasonably good imagery. I could picture everything Zangya was doing.

More importantly, however, was that you kept me moderately interested. Maybe not a thrilling post, but still an interesting post.

However, I did find some sentences and whatnot that were confusing, or just didn't flow well.

She wouldn’t even let herself know where she was going, so she just felt one thing—wherever her feet felt compelled to take her, she would let them take her there.

Using the word felt twice in the same sentence, unless to emphasize something, is repetitive. This can be remedied by using right-click: synonyms, if you have Microsoft Word.

[Tapion]

Alright awesome guys. Seriously I needed that boot in the ass, from now on I'm pulling up the work gloves and putting some elbow grease into these.

Now to Aero(which btw, coolest custom character name on the site).

Aero woke up quarter of five in the morning

First off, I MIGHT be wrong here. I'm not really sure the proper way it'd be worded in this situation, but 'quarter of five' just doesn't seem right. Quarter to five, or quarter after five would be my two alternate suggestions in place of what you've got there. But like I said, I'm really not sure here so no fault against you but it just didn't slid off the tongue right so I figured it'd be worth mentioning.

Just a bit of nit picking here but:

He snatched the newspaper

He grasped the handle to the coffee pot

and placed the coffee cup next to the computer mouse

In all three of these situations it was the first time you mentioned each of the items Aero was interacting with. Being that it was their first times being mentioned the usage of the word 'the' seems a bit odd to me, usually when something new is introduced it is by using 'a' since it's something new for the reader to process. Using 'the' implies that the item in question was there and established all along.

- From what I can remember you only referred to Aero in two different ways, always either "Aero" or "he''. Some variety in that category could have helped, maybe a physical description? You know, "The silver maned adolescent" or something like that. I understand you didn't want to beat anyone over the head with details, but I think a middle ground between your post and that would be very beneficial.

- That's enough grammar for me, as the content of the post goes nothing really to comment on here. I was a bit confused as of the setting until you said in the other thread where it was taking place, I guess if the reader has trouble comprehending that on their own that obviously is something worth fixing.

Sorry, that's all I've got. Overall not a bad read, but nothing worth mentioning. C. With literally just a sprinkle more description I think the whole thing might have come off a bit more fluidly.

I've got no links, so freebie for next person.

[Talys]

Errr. . .not going to post anything? Alright. I can't decide which to have read, so I'll let you choose. . .I want to know how these smaller posts are going since I haven't written in forever. . .

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...ostcount=9

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...stcount=25

[Aero]

guess I didn't put enough effort into it. lol I could've went into an entire 4 page paper easily off of that concept just by adding fluff, but vouched to take the easy and simple road. Thanks for telling me that I need to apply myself more though. I'll definitely remember that. <3

[Violet]

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...stcount=11




Yep. Just the "I'm here, I've got osmething, and Karl is an asshole" post. *moves along*

[Minoshia]

classy introduction post i'd say. Really good detail in your writing, i could picture exactly what your describing down to the dime. Also i liked how you implemented how Violet was feeling about the situation, but you were blatant , ie "violet was feeling alone and vulnerable". you worked everything together very nicely to create a fluid post that i enjoyed reading, i'll be following your character throughout this entire thing. im very interested to see how this thing with bardock turns out and i thought it was a good idea to get him into this post a little, also showing how she was feeling.

Excellent introduction post, keep up the detail.

mine
http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread....post459467

[Violet]

classy introduction post i'd say. Really good detail in your writing, i could picture exactly what your describing down to the dime. Also i liked how you implemented how Violet was feeling about the situation, but you were blatant , ie "violet was feeling alone and vulnerable". you worked everything together very nicely to create a fluid post that i enjoyed reading, i'll be following your character throughout this entire thing. im very interested to see how this thing with bardock turns out and i thought it was a good idea to get him into this post a little, also showing how she was feeling.

Excellent introduction post, keep up the detail.

mine
http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread....post459467

<3

That whole post was epic, man. You quite deserved the A Burt gave you on it. I love seeing you play a bad guy, because you're one of those people who pretend to be bad and have such generic reasons why (Not really describing anyone here, i'm just making a generalization), Mino is just a bad ass like that.

You worked the ex-alliance betrayal in well, I always love seeing that kind of emotion, and how it just compliments his nefarious mannerisms.

Overall, its something that i would read again and again, and never really burn out on. I'll be watching you

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...ostcount=9

[Android-18]

No link Violet?

I'll CnC you if you post one.

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...stcount=23

[Android-18]

Well, I'm not sure there's much wrong with it lol.

The only things that slightly bothered me were:

“I have, too, tried!”

and

reality smashed its massive fist around her,

The first one just seemed that the "too" wasn't needed, I understand why you added it though, to create the desperate tone. It just didn't sound right in my head.

The second part, well, it's hard to imagine a fist smashing around her. Perhaps a fist smashing into her.

Regardless, it was a good RP. I haven't read much from you since when you first joined, so you've improved much since then.

[Bujin]

18: I'm not very good at this, I'll admit, but here goes. <.<

Let me first say that overall, it was a very good post for a "Get myself reacquinted with the island" post. I've always enjoyed the vivid descriptions in your work, and the first paragraph is a good example of your abilities in that area. I was just about to lose interest before you changed direction, though. You also do a very good job balancing action with internal feelings and thoughts and the like.

I already stretched something out into a negative in that last paragraph -- you almost spent too much time describing your surroundings. I wouldn't say it was boring, though, because it was very-well worded and it's pretty much just your writing style, so it didn't take anything out of the overall quality of the post.

So...good job. =D

Mine: http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...stcount=26

[Hellfighter 17]

The only syntax problem I had with yours, Eighteen was the first sentence 'The sun was not yet above its nest, the horizon was alight with the very faintest of rays, but angry clouds threatened to blot out its heavenly existence.' I think it would have been much better if there was a semi-colon rather than the first comma, otherwise there should be more of a connection between each part of the sentence, and there isn't. It really irked me, and as an opening sentence, that shouldn't happen.

As for form and content, you didn't really grab me. I had to read a sentence or two twice because I just kind of eyed over it. I think you are on the verge of making yours posts very monologue-ish, but you are holding back, which is also holding back your writing. If you find yourself naturally thinking in monologue, then write like that and see where it takes you. Hopefully I am not too off-base.

Short, but, hopefully, sweet.

EDIT: Fuck you. One second. Okay, for Bujin:

'The azure competitor grudgingly trotted along a path that he was making himself' came off as so ...contrived. For a single sentence it ruins the beginning flow of a post.

After that, I noticed that you seemed to be trying integrate some humour into your RP with 'causing the midget to hit the back of his head on the ground,' but I was disappointed that you didn't roll with it. However, the humour soon started to build up, and I am not sure whether it was on purpose or not, but at the end it left me feeling quite entertained. I didn't laugh or really smile - it was more subtle and satisfying than that. I also like how you are roleplaying with the weapon, building a kind of relationship with it. If you plan to go solo, I think you could pull it off.

[Minoshia]

You have a very unique way of totally enticing the reader. Your Rp's are incredibly well written, as you probably no, i see little or no language flaws. And the material is interesting in an odd way. I found myself chuckling at the imagery you presented of HF17, you do a very good job at painting a picture for the reader and grabbing the attention of the reader. I know it was a short roleplay, but next time maybe you could add a bit more substance in it though? I'd give you an A- for that piece based on launguage and quality of the writing, but if i was basing it on keeping you in the game or not - i dont know if you presented enough to get someone interested in where you were taking this characther, but im sure you will do that in future RP's. nice work man.

mine
http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread....post459789

[Retane]

Hmmm... didn't Minoshia do something simliar to this last year? Eating raw flesh?

It was okay, but wasnt exciting. I ahvent been reading anyone elses posts, but im guessing you have a storylne going on with the last part of the text, perhaps thats what you should hit on next time to further entice the readers.

Just my opinion. Other then that and the constant attempt to use 'big' words, I dont ahve a problem with it. and think it was alright and decent. Bland but decent.

Mine: http://cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.php?p=...stcount=39

I already know I made grammar and typo's... so unless it looks like im doing someing really gramitical Iwrong, as in I have the wrong Idea I dont want to vhear it, I guess I want the kind of CnC... of how I can actually...BETTER my Rping skill

[Aero]

Wow.

I love the emotion. I actually almost felt myself cry on this one. At points where it seemed like you were getting repetitive, you brought more intense emotion, which made me forget what I thought I disliked. The one complaint I have, however, is the typos. My god there were a lot of typos. Like every sentence there was a new typo. If you would've proofread the post you would've been way better off.


My rank: B-



Mine: http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...stcount=26