Cell Jr's. RP.

[Ander]

Added a link in.

The first thing that popped into my head was, 'Oh my god...'

We have much work to be done, young padawan.

Your mechanics aren't so hot.

Originally posted by Cell Jr.
Bah another crap hole he slowly sighed to himself, dust, dirt and rocks surrounded the blue alien, beyond that there was nothing else he could make out.

You need to separate thought and spoken dialogue from the rest of your description to prevent confusion, like this:

Bardock's Revision

Bah! Another crap hole, he slowly sighed to himself. Dust, dirt and rocks surrounded the blue alien; beyond that there was nothing else he could make out.

Italicize thought so we know it is what your character is thinking.

Your second paragraph is one giant run-on sentence.

Originally posted by Cell Jr.
The tiny blue alien shot into the air and a great blue aura immediately surrounded him, he looked again at the boulder and outstretched his arms to the sides and concentrated, his arms began to glow an ever darker blue and nearby rocks and debris started to shake, the alien concentrated even more and he started to rise into the sky higher and higher, until he stopped suddenly and instantly he screamed ?FINAL!? he then clasped his arms and hands together ?FLAAAAASSSSHHH!? a mass of light blue energy poured from his hands and the beam of ki hurtled towards the boulder at an amazing speed, it seemed just as quickly as it had left Cell Jr. it had smashed into the boulder, causing an almighty roar and smashing the boulder into many many pieces.

Bardock's Revision

The tiny blue alien shot into the air and a great blue aura immediately surrounded him. He looked again at the boulder and outstretched his arms to the sides and concentrated. His arms began to glow an ever darker blue and nearby rocks and debris started to shake. The alien concentrated even more and he started to rise into the sky higher and higher, until he stopped suddenly and instantly.

He screamed, "FINAL!"

He then clasped his arms and hands together.

"FLAAAAASSSSHHH!"

A mass of light blue energy poured from his hands and the beam of ki hurtled towards the boulder at an amazing speed. It seemed just as quickly as it had left Cell Jr. it had smashed into the boulder, causing an almighty roar and smashing the boulder into many, many pieces.

All of my changes are in bold red. Separate dialogue from the rest of the paragraph so it is easier to understand. When the purpose of one sentence is completed, start another. I suggest you write in Microsoft Word to help you out with this.

Roleplaying Guide. Read it, learn from it, write better.