12-22-2004, 06:04 AM
Bahumbug, I say to you all!
I wish death to your so-called Christmas. However, before I continue, I must let you all know, that Burter does not actually exist. In fact, behind this mask, I?m somebody you?d never expect?
TINA FEY!
That?s right. The head writer of Saturday Night Live, who has now become a cast member! Who would have thought, right? Contrary to popular belief, Amy Poehler and I are NOT lesbians? when we?re sleeping. Yes, that?s right. We?re not lesbians? when we?re sleeping. Let?s tell some quirky jokes from this past addition of SNL.
?Guy Ritchie has cast his wife, Madonna, in his latest film. She?ll be playing the part that ruins the movie.? :blol
?Mike Tyson completed his 100 hours of community service this weekend, by working with children in their basketball league, ?I?m so happy the 100 hours are over, and I can get on with my life,? said one of the children.? :blol
Back to what?s important. I cannot be Tina Fey. However, I felt that it was very important for me to share those hilarious remarks. Who am I, really?
SHERLOCK HOLMES!
I fooled you all, this entire time. Watson did a fine job of covering my tracks! Good show, old chap, good show! Now that you all know who I am, it?s about time you know what I?ve been trying to uncover, and I?ve finally proved my theory correct. SANTA CLAUSE DOES NOT EXIST. HA! It was a corporate sham to make you all spend money on large coniferous (evergreen) trees, bright lights, and other useless decorations. I?m sorry if this is a hard hit for you all, but? well, actually, I?m not sorry at all. YOU?RE ALL STUPID FOR BELIVING IN A NON-EXISTANT ENTITY! HA! Now, here?s where my theory comes into play. I believe that Santa Clause was invented by none other than?
COCA COLA!
HA! Why the large gap, you ask? Well, I just felt like it. Anyway, think it over. Santa Clause is a large ?jolly? man that wears what colours? RED AND WHITE! What are the two official colours of Coca Cola? Red and white. Coincidence? I think NOT! HA! So, you ask, who could possibly be sending all of these presents down our chimneys, and eating our cookies. Well, I?ve figured that out too.
YOUR FATHER!
Yes, that?s correct. Your overweight father squeezes down the chimney, lights a cigarette, scratches his ass with the salad thongs, and places each present under the tree, as he eats the cookies that you baked for the REAL Santa Clause! As he promises your eyeing mother that he?ll stick to the diet, she goes to sleep, and he prepares for a night of lies, for that is where he sits: a throne of LIES! However, what of other Christmas stories and tales? How were those formed?
BASED ON YOUR FATHER?S FALSE PROMISES!
?T was the night before Christmas, all through the house
When not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
As all overweight fathers crept to the fridge, to see what was there
It was the perfect crime, while everybody else was in their beds
And the fathers stood tall, with visions of fatty foods dancing in their heads
The fathers chuckled aloud, as they engulfed themselves within the food masses
And once finished they went off to bed, scratching their asses
It?s now that you must ask yourselves why
Such a story was made, when the truth could only make children cry
IT WAS ACTUALLY MADE ABOUT CHANNUKAH!
'T was the night before Chanukah, as it is said
And Santa was sitting and hocking his head
He had all the toys wrapped up nice in his zeckel
For maidlach and boys to give each one a peckel
The reindeer were saddled and ready to fly
Like a crew of brave astronauts all through the sky
But Santa was starving to eat a good meichel
Some regular food that would stick to his beichel
Not plum cakes or mincemeat or peppermint candy
But some kosher cooking he thought would be dandy
So he called to his reindeer, "Hey, kinder, let's go
To a Jewish balbusta and don't be so slow."
The house had no chimney, so he went through the door
And kissed the mezzuzah and jumped on the floor
Then the man of the house said, "Santa you devil
Come on, don't be shy and see our split level
The night is still early, there's plenty of zeit
So come in the den and please have a bite
If only we knew you were coming, by gosh
But I'll call out the wife and she'll give you a nosh
A slice of stuffed derma, a few little strudels
Some chicken salami, some flanken with noodles
Some blintzes, some kreplach, some lox and bialy
A bissel chopped herring, an end piece of chaleh
And if all of these goodies don't fill up your gatkes
Last but not least, some Chanukah latkes."
"A latke?" cried Santa, "what is this delight?"
On the outside it's golden and inside it's white.
On the outside so crisp and inside it's yummy
And he gobbled them up 'til he filled his fat tummy.
Then they gave him a dreidel and showed him the plays
And he took a menorah to light for eight days
And to give Santa some spirit and to show how they felt
For mazel they gave him some Chanukah gelt.
He beamed and he chuckled and said "Kine-ahaora,
I don't want to feel like a Chanukah schnorrer
To show you how much I enjoyed your Jewish snack
I'm leaving you everything, even my sack."
Then he called to his reindeer and said, "Luz mir gehn."
And each one got ready as he schlepped on the rein
"Giddyap Irving, Hoo Ha Sidney, Hi ho Sadie, Let's go Minnie,
Onward Gussie, Upward Solly, Ole Becky, Oy Vey Molly."
And they swore that he yelled as he rode out of sight
"MERRY LATKES to all and to all a GOOD NIGHT."
HAPPY HOLIDAYS, CHUBBS!
--Rebnik and Tami
I wish death to your so-called Christmas. However, before I continue, I must let you all know, that Burter does not actually exist. In fact, behind this mask, I?m somebody you?d never expect?
TINA FEY!
That?s right. The head writer of Saturday Night Live, who has now become a cast member! Who would have thought, right? Contrary to popular belief, Amy Poehler and I are NOT lesbians? when we?re sleeping. Yes, that?s right. We?re not lesbians? when we?re sleeping. Let?s tell some quirky jokes from this past addition of SNL.
?Guy Ritchie has cast his wife, Madonna, in his latest film. She?ll be playing the part that ruins the movie.? :blol
?Mike Tyson completed his 100 hours of community service this weekend, by working with children in their basketball league, ?I?m so happy the 100 hours are over, and I can get on with my life,? said one of the children.? :blol
Back to what?s important. I cannot be Tina Fey. However, I felt that it was very important for me to share those hilarious remarks. Who am I, really?
SHERLOCK HOLMES!
I fooled you all, this entire time. Watson did a fine job of covering my tracks! Good show, old chap, good show! Now that you all know who I am, it?s about time you know what I?ve been trying to uncover, and I?ve finally proved my theory correct. SANTA CLAUSE DOES NOT EXIST. HA! It was a corporate sham to make you all spend money on large coniferous (evergreen) trees, bright lights, and other useless decorations. I?m sorry if this is a hard hit for you all, but? well, actually, I?m not sorry at all. YOU?RE ALL STUPID FOR BELIVING IN A NON-EXISTANT ENTITY! HA! Now, here?s where my theory comes into play. I believe that Santa Clause was invented by none other than?
COCA COLA!
HA! Why the large gap, you ask? Well, I just felt like it. Anyway, think it over. Santa Clause is a large ?jolly? man that wears what colours? RED AND WHITE! What are the two official colours of Coca Cola? Red and white. Coincidence? I think NOT! HA! So, you ask, who could possibly be sending all of these presents down our chimneys, and eating our cookies. Well, I?ve figured that out too.
YOUR FATHER!
Yes, that?s correct. Your overweight father squeezes down the chimney, lights a cigarette, scratches his ass with the salad thongs, and places each present under the tree, as he eats the cookies that you baked for the REAL Santa Clause! As he promises your eyeing mother that he?ll stick to the diet, she goes to sleep, and he prepares for a night of lies, for that is where he sits: a throne of LIES! However, what of other Christmas stories and tales? How were those formed?
BASED ON YOUR FATHER?S FALSE PROMISES!
?T was the night before Christmas, all through the house
When not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
As all overweight fathers crept to the fridge, to see what was there
It was the perfect crime, while everybody else was in their beds
And the fathers stood tall, with visions of fatty foods dancing in their heads
The fathers chuckled aloud, as they engulfed themselves within the food masses
And once finished they went off to bed, scratching their asses
It?s now that you must ask yourselves why
Such a story was made, when the truth could only make children cry
IT WAS ACTUALLY MADE ABOUT CHANNUKAH!
'T was the night before Chanukah, as it is said
And Santa was sitting and hocking his head
He had all the toys wrapped up nice in his zeckel
For maidlach and boys to give each one a peckel
The reindeer were saddled and ready to fly
Like a crew of brave astronauts all through the sky
But Santa was starving to eat a good meichel
Some regular food that would stick to his beichel
Not plum cakes or mincemeat or peppermint candy
But some kosher cooking he thought would be dandy
So he called to his reindeer, "Hey, kinder, let's go
To a Jewish balbusta and don't be so slow."
The house had no chimney, so he went through the door
And kissed the mezzuzah and jumped on the floor
Then the man of the house said, "Santa you devil
Come on, don't be shy and see our split level
The night is still early, there's plenty of zeit
So come in the den and please have a bite
If only we knew you were coming, by gosh
But I'll call out the wife and she'll give you a nosh
A slice of stuffed derma, a few little strudels
Some chicken salami, some flanken with noodles
Some blintzes, some kreplach, some lox and bialy
A bissel chopped herring, an end piece of chaleh
And if all of these goodies don't fill up your gatkes
Last but not least, some Chanukah latkes."
"A latke?" cried Santa, "what is this delight?"
On the outside it's golden and inside it's white.
On the outside so crisp and inside it's yummy
And he gobbled them up 'til he filled his fat tummy.
Then they gave him a dreidel and showed him the plays
And he took a menorah to light for eight days
And to give Santa some spirit and to show how they felt
For mazel they gave him some Chanukah gelt.
He beamed and he chuckled and said "Kine-ahaora,
I don't want to feel like a Chanukah schnorrer
To show you how much I enjoyed your Jewish snack
I'm leaving you everything, even my sack."
Then he called to his reindeer and said, "Luz mir gehn."
And each one got ready as he schlepped on the rein
"Giddyap Irving, Hoo Ha Sidney, Hi ho Sadie, Let's go Minnie,
Onward Gussie, Upward Solly, Ole Becky, Oy Vey Molly."
And they swore that he yelled as he rode out of sight
"MERRY LATKES to all and to all a GOOD NIGHT."
HAPPY HOLIDAYS, CHUBBS!
--Rebnik and Tami
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