Risin' up to the challenge of our rivals

[Super Buu]

Whilst I'm waiting for a reply from staff on my Eye of the Tiger roleplay, I was wondering if I could get some C&C on it. It's been a while since I've gone all out solo (the last time was my Spiritken Training) so I'm interested to see if I've improved.

It follows on directly from the last post of the Vegeta-sei Rebellion, and there's about 6 hours of writing in it so far. Yeah, I write really slow If you've read any of it, even just a little, throw in what you think so far. Even if it's just "I liked ____, but I didn't like ____." Though I wouldn't say no to some hardball, in-depth constructive criticism either

[Sage]

I hate to post off-topic, but you're the first Goku Junior since... forever, I think, that isn't mentally retarded. Seriously, you have no idea how happy that makes me.

[Super Buu]

Need s'more C&C! The situation in my latest RP was sorta-reminiscent of Violet's 'Rising from the Ashes' picture

[Kazuya]

I am pretty ecstatic you found a use for that pic I made you. And I am a huge fan of your writing. <3 it!

You lord Vine training is very engrossing, and nicely detailed. In fact, in a part of my quest, I based the descriptions the child gave me on lord vine off how you have protrayed him in your quest.

The only criticizm I have is that I am done reading...and am craving some more, but alas, you are not a machine and can't crank these babies out on a whim.

Good stuff:

Buu snorted arrogantly. ?You won?t beat me with that little trick. A true warrior needs no armour!? He flexed his broad shoulders, squatting and pumping up his arms. ?Touch my muscles!?

?Wh ? what?? queried the saiyan, taking a step backwards.

?Touch my muscles!? the rubbery monster repeated, flexing his arms and legs as he alternated between poses, apparently convinced that an invisible camera was taking pictures. ?And you shall know the truth!?

Has to be one of my favorite parts. It gives a look of Buu as someone rather narcissistic of his body, proud of the work he had put into it. The invisible acmera touch lends a bit that he is a bit photogenic. I won't argue that.

?How do you do?? she chirped, leaving no room for a response. ?My name?s Aurilani, but you can call me Daeg Waedos if ya like!?

?Daeg ? Waedos?? murmured Buu, unsure of what to think.

?It?s a joke you idiot!? laughed Aurilani, punching the pink monster playfully in the leg. ?I?ll show you your room now,? she said, grabbing her new accomplice?s dangling hand and half-dragging him down the corridor.

For a minute there, i thought that long wondered question of who the hell was Daeg Waedos was, was solved. Caught me there!

Great job on describing Aurilani, she seems like some hyped up over sugared teenager, especially the way she talks about a mile a minute. nice touch.

?You?re not mad at me?? asked the rubbery warrior incredulously, turning to face his guide.

?Nah,? she said, swinging her short legs over the end of the bed enthusiastically. ?I?m sure you didn?t mean it, and he?s always fine in a few days.?

?Good,? laughed Buu, relieved. ?I?ve got to let my friends know where I am, they haven?t heard from me in a while.?

?Ohh, so that thing lets you talk to other people far away?? reaching out eager fingers, Aurilani?s hand was slapped slightly away.

?My scouter!? declared Buu, scolding the girl with a look as he twiddled the dial on the side of his headpiece. A static noise came into his hearing. ?Hello? This is Super Buu, do you read me??

Thus supporting my thesis that Super buu can be both a nice guy and selfish at times.


All in all, I am stuck to this peice like glue, so expect more C&C from me in the future, whether over AIM or here. Keep it up!

[Super Buu]

Yeah, I'm picking up a bit now. The last post got me back into my groove, and over the gruelling battle bit. Too many fight posts recently Thanks for the C&C!

[Super Buu]

Power Bump!!!

[Mal Nova]

Originally posted by Bra
I hate to post off-topic, but you're the first Goku Junior since... forever, I think, that isn't mentally retarded. Seriously, you have no idea how happy that makes me.

What the hey!?

I'm gonna go cry now =\

[Banned Dana]

blows mine out of the water.

You're stories within the training are fricken hilarious man. Keep it up bro...you're doing a sweet job.

[Super Buu]

17 has joined the madness! =O Though, since I've been going slower and slower as of late, I haven't been able to get up the post yet that ties the two of us in (via Vine leaving the dinner to see what's going on). I'm hoping that I can finish this off soon and move on to my next, much shorter project, which will be the final stage of my Vine training.

[Super Buu]

Bumpage! That last post was actually one of my favourites. C&C?

[Ander]

Dude, I'm cutting you off. Last time for requests on this thread. Granted, some of the above people weren't too helpful in saying what exactly you were doing right, but I think the point is clear that your Spiritken training is an enjoyable read.

What specifically would you like C&C on (e.g., plot, flow, etcetera)? Be as precise as possible so I can make it count.

[Super Buu]

Metal Binding. >_> I've only bumped the thread once every 2 weeks-1 month, but if it's irritating people I'll just let it die. Disappointing since the actual significant part is coming up soon, but nevermind.

[Burter Jr]

Just to clarify in case you weren't aware, SB, Bardock is the RPG Discussion moderator

[Super Buu]

I know, I'm just a little disappointed because I would have liked some comments on the ending. But as I said before, 'nevermind'.

[Ander]

Sorry, Metal Binding. I had read so many Spiritken training posts before yours I was in 'Spiritken' mode. =P

And don't be like that. I said it was fine for one more time, so if you want comments on the ending, you can have them. I'm not trying to shut you down.

[Super Buu]

Dinna worry, Bar, I get dramatic sometimes

Eye of the Tiger is officially over! I decided to give a short 'trailer' of what was to come. If you want to comment on that or the finale of my training, feel free.

[Ander]

While this is severely late, I liked the ending. You definitely deserved Metal Binding.

The whole 'Iorek' twist where he needs to teach you was nice. It follows Yamu's principle of actually using an NPC to advance the story. I am kind of curious how you would make a stick out of metal, though.

I find Supes to be pretty amusing. The ending with him posing with the cape was a great place to anchor out, although a half an hour may be a little overkill.

With that trailer, you definitely have me on board for part two. *thumbs up*