C&c

[James]

Trapdoors and Tree Huggers

I've been doing this quest as a thing on the side for... a little less then half a year I take it, nevertheless I've yet to get any opinions on it.

In general it's my first attempt at a massive involving storyline where there is history derived not only from the main character (Goten) but from other minor characters as well, giving the story depth as I hope it would.

If anyone has any honest opinions about it, taken the time to read it all and enjoyed it, or has any creative advice on how I can improve my writing ability I'd love to hear it. Very much appreciation to who ever has already and followed along, the ending to it is coming in the very near future.

[Ander]

You are most definitely overlooked and underrated.

Ever since Goten became a teen, he's got that whole innocent 'I'm way too good looking' complex, which is cause for humor for all the awkward situations he's put in that he smoothly gets his way out of. It's not something I usually see, so props for being somewhat original. I enjoy something different now and again from all the twistedness of everyone else. Even so, he conveys a strong presence when he needs to, and is able to throw his weight around.

The very first post you make (I put together it's after FoF II) is a kickin start.

Originally written by Son Goten
A celestial flight through different and contrasting worlds, each holding their own personal beauty of a sort while others touched the wide variety of physical impossibilities... or so the narrow view of reality depicted. Darkness became light as the two inversed and mixed with one another to form a relationship which could only be described as the 'gray' of truth. That space between 'yes' and 'no' that gave both right and wrong answers, two sides of a story yet an entire legacy all around.

That paragraph? Gold.

I didn't quite catch what card game they were playing. At first I thought it was Old Maid or something. It made me laugh.

Originally written by Son Goten
"Another round." "Three more plates!" "No, I said I just thought that." "I'm not wearing any pants!"

"Cold as ice, twice as nice!" "Blue is the color for you, no clue!" "One fish, two fish, buy a fish, skew a fish!" "I swallow!"

XD XD XD

I like how you use flashbacks that actually go in depth to an event, rather than just prattling on about it in dialogue, especially during the conversation with Conwell. It gives more depth and appeals to the greater plot. I also liked the homage to the younger version of Goten with the blatant lie of "I fell." You also managed to make the quest not totally centered around Goten. There were portions of it where he had little to no interaction with the actual characters (all with unconventional names like "Swivel"). That showed some pretty intense development, and it never got boring, because you always picked it up at the right spots. Each character you used was different in some way or another and had their own quirks, like the metallurgist who spoke in one-word sentences. So, you're right: you did give it depth. That's not an easy thing to do, and you managed to pull it off.

At the beginning of Act 2, your paragraphs starting clumping with the dialogue and it made it difficult to read, so that's something to avoid in the future.

The name 'Bane,' whether you intended it as a reference to Batman or not, was killer to use in a drug environment.

It's obvious you've put a lot of work into this, and if you haven't, you've managed to create a wonderful illusion. It was a lot to read at once, but I'd give it a definite thumbs up. There were grammatical errors and the like, but I guess those don't really matter.

You've definitely earned a 'complete' in my book, a few times over.