Zomg Bas?!?!

[Banned Dana]

Ok, first and foremost...this is just a small branch off of the big Bio-Android Saga. This is just going to fill in most of Thirteen's past and his current situation with the BAS. Since I was origionally Piccolo, it just seems to make sense to tell his story...so don't worry, I'm not doing this alone because I'm trying to be an ass, I just don't want anyone to mess with my storyline.

Teh Linkage


I rarely ask for C & C, but I would like to improve, so feel free to give me some constructive criticism.

Thanks in advance.

[Ander]

Since you asked for constructive criticism, that's all I'll give you.

Second paragraph of your first post is one giant list. Too much tell, not enough show. Gave me a good picture, so that was accomplished, but it lacked luster.

I didn't really get what the little tornado was supposed to accomplish. It seemed kind of like filler to me.

An extended explanation of things like why there is electricity in an old house aren't necessary sometimes. I understand you're trying to cover your bases, but just get across the wonder Thirteen had, and be done with it. Readers will accept some things as a given or figure out an explanation on their own.

There's a fine line between too much dialogue and not enough. Be careful about having no interaction with your character for a lengthy amount of time, even if it's only a couple of posts. Not saying you can't do it period, but just shake it up every once in a while with a spoken sentence or two, even if he's talking to himself. Or something along those lines.

On a personal note, I don't like the crossover you use. I've said it before with Seventeen, and I'll say it again. Don't let me stop you if it's what you want/like, but I am compelled to say it anyway.

Chew on that for a while. There's plenty of stuff I liked, so don't be discouraged.