PCIII Official C&C

[Ander]

A thread for PCIII C&C. Mura's idea. Have at it.

[Kazuya]

OMFG yes. Thank you, Bar and Mura. Been waiting for this thread. ^_^


http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...post265023

There you go. If you can just provide some comments, maybe some gripes, that would be great.

[Jewtastic]

VI: I enoyed it. It caught my attention right away and held it though the entire post. For one of the early posts in the saga it really set the mood for the saiya-jin camp...at least I thought so. A Pitty you died. i would have loved to continue reading your stuff throughout this saga.


http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...post269547

Be easy, I'm still trying to feel out Mura.

[Treius]

Vi, I love your dialogue. Some of the stuff in there is beautiful.

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...post268666

plzkthxbi?

Before I had never been really gruesome about my fights, but you know, you get older and stuff. Plus I wanted to be able to expand and not get bored of "he shot the beam and the other guy shot his and stuff and they boom died." So. Tell me what you like, or don't? Thxxxxx

[Aqua]

Vi: nice inclusion of personal history and dialogue. very nice work with the setting as well.

Mura: i only looked at your last post for the CC (since that's the link you offered) but it wasn't bad. You are one of the better writers here though, in my personal opinion, and so that last post was a dissapointment to be honest. It was well written, but it was just too short to really critique.

Corn: I liked the scene and what you did with it. Good length and well written.

I'd like some CC on my first post, my second wasn't very good in my opinion because I've just been uncertain about where to go with my character in the saga. My post is about 2/3s down on the following page:

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...r=0&page=5

[Jewtastic]

Just for the new peeps, you only have to C&C the post right above you.

[Aero]

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...post269713


c&c please. =D

[Aqua]

aaaaand i was skipped entirely...

Gokua: Not bad. A little short, but not too short. your dialogue seemed a little forced and unnatural. But not bad overall.

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...r=0&page=5

2/3s down the page

[Sullivan]

Originally written by Aqua
That is, until Aqua spotted a rather tall blue fighter...

I believe Burter Junior is tiny, isn't he?

Your paragraphs have smallified, which is good. I like your writing, and you manage to keep it interesting. Keep up the good work.

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...post269259

[Veritas]

Celipa: Other then the last few posts being short, i think you're doing a good job. keep up the good work.

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...21391&sid=

someone tell me how I'm doing?

[Burter Jr]

Originally posted by Celipa
I believe Burter Junior is tiny, isn't he?

Tiny in comparison to Burter. Probably still taller then Aqua.

[Android-18]

Originally posted by Jeice
Celipa: Other then the last few posts being short, i think you're doing a good job. keep up the good work.

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...21391&sid=

someone tell me how I'm doing?

I assume you want C&C on the first one?

Well, I myself like detail. You have a lot of talking going on, and not that that's a bad thing, but I felt it could have used more of a personal touch. It would have been nice to see more depth in your character, his thoughts and feelings, and stuff. I love detail, and it just seemed like it could have used more.

You are doing well though. I myself tend to focus more on Eighteen than those in my group, otherwise I may RP them wrong or seem like I'm not RPing myself. Because there are so many people in that RP it seemed a bit thrown together.

Still good RPing.

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...post270486

If anyone would like to C&C that.

[Veritas]

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...post270486

If anyone would like to C&C that.

I thought it was good, personaly i didn't see any flaws, then again I'm no expert but i liked it. I know what you meant about the detail, there was alot of it in your writing.

[Jewtastic]

I guess I will do 18's since Jeice didn't post a link.


I loved it. I loved how it went from all innocent and not wanting to fight to total killer mode. I loved the game idea, I was actually thinking of bringing that into my RPs but hadn't had enough actual battle scenes with large amounts of fighters to do it with.

Also, the end, her forgetting what number she was on, I liked it. brought a sense of realism to it all. Love reading your work.


Whos on first?

[Veritas]

Originally posted by Murasaki
I guess I will do 18's since Jeice didn't post a link.

Sorry i forgot the link. http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...21391&sid=

C&C on the either of the last two please .

and for Mura, i liked it, i don't know though lol cause I havn't had any complaints of anything about anyone's that I've read I thought they were all pretty good, so I don't know how credible i am 8o.

[Piper Juunanagou]

Originally posted by Jeice

Sorry i forgot the link. http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...21391&sid=

C&C on the either of the last two please .

and for Mura, i liked it, i don't know though lol cause I havn't had any complaints of anything about anyone's that I've read I thought they were all pretty good, so I don't know how credible i am 8o.

@Second Post: You need to work on grammar slightly. You had a number of minor slip ups that stood out in my eye. Most of them were comma splices, were you just fused two independent clauses and it looked all bleh. Other then that, you overdosed on the word 'alien'. Use some other terms like 'changeling', 'transformer', 'white-skinned invader', etc. More diversity in your word choice will help you a lot in the long run.

Other than that, you were boreding on too short in my standards, but what made the shortness worse was your lack of detail. Your fight came off as like, too bland. It was just like "He punched him, then kick, then got slapped, then fired a ki blast back." Expand upon the fight, give us some insight into what is running through Jeice's mind during the conflict. You understand what I mean?

Someone want to do one of these for me? Link

[Sage]

@Recoome

Wow, dude. I was impressed; I like that you didn't just RP kicking Celipa's ass all over town, but that you put both her and you into a precarious situation.

That, and the whole "Mexican standoff" feel of that RP got the adrenaline of the situation in the right light. It's do or die for both of you, and neither knows how to go about it. Good work, and - if you survive - good luck!

READ ME! >=o

[Veritas]

Originally posted by Android 17

Originally posted by Jeice

Sorry i forgot the link. http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...21391&sid=

C&C on the either of the last two please .

and for Mura, i liked it, i don't know though lol cause I havn't had any complaints of anything about anyone's that I've read I thought they were all pretty good, so I don't know how credible i am 8o.

@Second Post: You need to work on grammar slightly. You had a number of minor slip ups that stood out in my eye. Most of them were comma splices, were you just fused two independent clauses and it looked all bleh. Other then that, you overdosed on the word 'alien'. Use some other terms like 'changeling', 'transformer', 'white-skinned invader', etc. More diversity in your word choice will help you a lot in the long run.

Other than that, you were boreding on too short in my standards, but what made the shortness worse was your lack of detail. Your fight came off as like, too bland. It was just like "He punched him, then kick, then got slapped, then fired a ki blast back." Expand upon the fight, give us some insight into what is running through Jeice's mind during the conflict. You understand what I mean?

Someone want to do one of these for me? Link

Alright thanks, I'll take all of that into consideration for my next posts .

[Alexander Trafford]

Originally posted by Bra
@Recoome

Wow, dude. I was impressed; I like that you didn't just RP kicking Celipa's ass all over town, but that you put both her and you into a precarious situation.

That, and the whole "Mexican standoff" feel of that RP got the adrenaline of the situation in the right light. It's do or die for both of you, and neither knows how to go about it. Good work, and - if you survive - good luck!

READ ME! >=o

Wow, that was an incredible read. Usually i'd advise you to maybe break the post in half and post the two smaller ones, but this one was so good and had no real boring areas, that i made it all the way through this epic of a post. I reallize enjoyed the whole "Rambo" dual fire power thing you had there, just single handedly ripping through Changeling units with the laser and your energy. very good read.

Halfway down the page.

Current bottom of the page, won't be for long.

either or, pick one please. or do both, whatever floats your boat.

[Veritas]

Originally posted by Minoshia

Wow, that was an incredible read. Usually i'd advise you to maybe break the post in half and post the two smaller ones, but this one was so good and had no real boring areas, that i made it all the way through this epic of a post. I reallize enjoyed the whole "Rambo" dual fire power thing you had there, just single handedly ripping through Changeling units with the laser and your energy. very good read.

Halfway down the page.

Current bottom of the page, won't be for long.

either or, pick one please. or do both, whatever floats your boat.

I clicked the bottom link.It keeps you interested from the begining and i wasnt even following your storyline. The parts I thought were good were the ones where you expressed the way your character was feeling and such, it was fairly detailed, more then mine I'd say so I would give it a thumbs up.


http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...21391&sid=


C&C on my last one???? I thought I did fairly well, but I want to know what other people though, btw I took what I read prior into consideration when I was writing...Just to let you know I'm talking about my previous ratings on my posts.