<![CDATA[CDBZ Archive - Roleplaying School]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/ Sun, 20 Sep 2026 22:09:03 +0000 MyBB <![CDATA[faces]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=41341 Mon, 10 Mar 2008 14:39:29 +0000 rosh!!!]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=41341 <![CDATA[I like to partaaaay]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=39985 Sun, 17 Jun 2007 06:56:00 +0000 Josh]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=39985 <![CDATA[nappa]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=39770 Tue, 05 Jun 2007 14:30:06 +0000 xssence]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=39770
nappa; hay vegeta is it true oure race can becom ssjs?

;vegeta of cours nappa its in our blood our race is a proud race

* they both get in space pods and take off torwds earth

* nappa ied love to becom a ssj to see what its like dount you vegeta?

* vegeta of cours then i or we will take freeza down once and for all

umm how was that did not want it to be to long any pointers?]]>
nappa; hay vegeta is it true oure race can becom ssjs?

;vegeta of cours nappa its in our blood our race is a proud race

* they both get in space pods and take off torwds earth

* nappa ied love to becom a ssj to see what its like dount you vegeta?

* vegeta of cours then i or we will take freeza down once and for all

umm how was that did not want it to be to long any pointers?]]> <![CDATA[nappa]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=39750 Mon, 04 Jun 2007 20:51:38 +0000 xssence]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=39750 <![CDATA[i was sent here to get better at rping]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=39749 Mon, 04 Jun 2007 19:20:32 +0000 xssence]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=39749 <![CDATA[Frieza]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=37940 Sat, 03 Feb 2007 08:26:44 +0000 Bardock]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=37940 <![CDATA[choutzu]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=37671 Thu, 18 Jan 2007 05:42:23 +0000 Bardock]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=37671
Your roleplay looks like it was written in a hurry. Your grammar is bad: the dialogue is all chunked up in the paragraphs. Your spelling's not so great either. The main problem, however, is your run-on sentences. The words keep going and going when you need to split them into separate sentences with period marks. Most of this is easily solved by writing your roleplays in Microsoft Word, but some of them you have to manually fix.

Now, I'm going to go through your roleplay and fix each mistake, and change things around a bit to make the piece flow a little better. I'll do this step-by-step, so you can comprehensively see the changes I make. Each correction is colored red in bold. A total comparison is down at the bottom.



Quote:The sun rose as usual but Choutzu was already awake. He was in the kitchen making breakfast when Tien awoke.

"Hmm, what smells so good?"

"Good morning. Your breakfast is ready," Choutzu said with a smile as he sat two plates on the wooden table.

The two friends ate in silence. When the meal was done, Tien got up and walked out the door, ready for another day of extensive training. Choutzu followed. He was ready to do whatever it took for him to become strong so that the next time the world was in danger he would be there to stand beside the Z-Fighters to protect the planet he loved.
Your first mistake was a simple spelling error. Your next mistake was using 'awoke' in place of 'awake.' The second is past tense, which is what we write in, not present tense. You used the word "he" in-between 'when' and 'Tien,' which doesn't belong there because it makes no sense. Notice how I separated the dialogue (speaking parts) from the rest of the paragraph. It makes it easier to read for three reasons: you can tell someone is talking, you can tell who is talking, and you don't have to strain your eyes.

The first letter of a sentence is always capitalized. There is a comma after "hmm" because sound expressions need a pause after them. Tien is asking a question, therefore there needs to be a quotation mark to show that. Again, the first letter of a sentence is always capitalized. I split up the sentence with a period mark because there were actually two sentences in one, and they can stand all by themselves. When ending dialogue, you always need a comma before the closing quotation mark.

I split up another sentence. I used two commas for pauses, making the sentence flow better. The sentence ends at "training" so I used a period mark. A short 'Choutzu followed' made a simple sentence that could stand on its own, and so I started up another one. Both 'took' and 'was' were in their present tense forms, 'takes' and 'is.' You needed the past tense versions. Lastly, the Z-Fighters is the name of a group, making it a proper noun, so it needed to be capitalized.



Quote:As he took his place across from Tien in the forest where they were training, Choutzu felt someone coming. He looked at his friend to see if he felt it too. The look on Tien's face told the Z-Fighter everything he wanted to know.

"Mr. Tien, who is that?"

"I don't know little buddy, but we will find out soon because it is coming this way."

At that moment they saw him. It was a huge man in saiyan armor. He had long blue hair that matched the pigmentation of his skin to a tee. He closed his eyes, which Choutzu could see were a bright red. His eyes remained closed for a quite a long time.

The two thought that he could not sense them, but then he said with his eyes still closed, "You down there with the three eyes! Do you know where I can find some fighters?"
Okay, you spelling 'training' wrong and need a comma for a pause. You spelled 'looked' and 'coming' wrong and needed to split the sentence. You needed a period mark for your next mistake. Again, Z-Fighter is capitalized. Another pause, another comma. Choutzu is asking a question, so he needs a question mark. You need a comma before the words 'but' or 'and' because that makes it a compound sentence, one of the only right ways to do two sentences in one, but they have to be linked together using those words. You spelling 'coming' wrong again.

Another period. You spelled 'saiyan' wrong. Another sentence. You spelled 'pigmentation' wrong, but good word. Another pause. 'Choutzu' is a name, and names always need to be capitalized. Another period. You spelled 'remained' wrong. You said 'quote' instead of 'quite' which is what you meant. I split up another sentence. A comma goes before the word 'but' for a compound sentence. In dialogue set up that way, you need a comma before the opening quotation mark, and capitalize the first word in the dialogue. I put an exclamation mark instead of a period, because he is calling over loudly. 'I' by itself is always capitalized. Lastly, we end questions with question marks.



Quote:"Yeah, right here!" Tien screamed up at the giant. "I'll take this one Choutzu."

"No Mr. Tien! I want to see if my training is paying off!"

There was a sign of determination in his face.

"Are you sure buddy? His power level seems to be a little higher than yours, and who knows?maybe he is hiding his true strength."

"I am fighting, Mr. Tien!" Choutzu yelled.
Another comma for a pause, and an exclamation point for the screaming. You need a period mark to end a sentence. You need to capitalize the first word in a sentence. Another exclamation point for loud talking. You left off the 'i' in "if." Again, an exclamation point. Capitalized first word twice in a row. Question gets a question mark. You used the wrong "than." 'Then' is in reference to time and 'than' is used for comparison. I used a dash to show a pause. You need to end dialogue with an ending punctuation and a closing quotation mark.

The last comma is tricky. Without the comma, it sounds like he is saying he is going to fight Tien. With the comma, he is telling Tien he's going to fight someone else. If you don't understand, say it out loud. Say: "I'm fighting Mr. Tien" fast and without pausing. Then, say: "I'm fighting, Mr Tien" while stopping a beat after the word 'fighting.' Hopefully you'll get the difference. And to finish up the post, an exclamation point.



That may seem like a lot to process, but a lot of mistakes were just ones you repeated over and over. I recommend you type your roleplays in Microsoft Word, which will catch a lot of minor errors and clean up your posts quite a bit. If you don't have Word and don't have the means to get it, use Spellchecker.net. Type in the box, and then copy/paste into a post when you're done.

I'd like to point out that here at CDBZ, we don't use show history. Nobody knows anybody else when they join, except if you're family. So, Choutzu never knew Tien or the other Z Fighters and he never fought alongside any of them.

Now, take this lesson, and make a new roleplay. Make sure it's 300 words. You can continue where you left off, or you can create a whole new situation. It's difficult splitting up sentences, but I want you to focus on that! We'll continue this until you're ready to officially join.





For easy comparison (so you can see how cleaned up it got by making a few minor adjustments), here is your roleplay versus the editted version:

Quote:ORIGINAL
The sun rose as usaual but Choutzu was already awoke. He was in the kitchen making breakfast when he Tien awoke "hmm what smells so good" "good morning your breakfast is ready" Choutzu said with a smile as he sat two plates on the wooden table. The two friends ate in silence when the meal was done Tien got up and walked out the door ready for another day of extensive training Choutzu followed ready to do whatever it takes for him to become strong so that the next time the world is in danger he would be there to stand beside the z-fighters to protect the planet he loved.

As he took his place across from Tien in the forest where they were trainging Choutzu felt someone comming he lookd at his friend to see if he felt it too the look on Tien's face told the z-fighter everything he wanted to know. "Mr. Tien who is that" "I don't know little buddy but we will find out soon because it is comming this way" at that moment they saw him it was a huge man in sayian armor he had long blue hair that matched the pigmention of his skin to a tee. He closed his eyes which choutzu could see were a bright red his eyes remanied closed for a quote a long time the two thought that he could not sense them but then he said with his eyes still closed "you down there with the three eyes do you know where i can find some fighters" "yeah right here" Tien screamed up at the giant. "I'll take this one Choutzu" "no Mr. Tien I want to see i my training is paying off" there was a sign of determination in his face "are you sure buddy his power level seems to be a little higher then yours and who knows maybe he is hiding his true strength". "I am fighting Mr. Tien" Choutzu yelled.

Quote:EDITTED
The sun rose as usual but Choutzu was already awake. He was in the kitchen making breakfast when Tien awoke.

?Hmm, what smells so good??

?Good morning. Your breakfast is ready,? Choutzu said with a smile as he sat two plates on the wooden table.

The two friends ate in silence. When the meal was done, Tien got up and walked out the door, ready for another day of extensive training. Choutzu followed. He was ready to do whatever it took for him to become strong so that the next time the world was in danger he would be there to stand beside the Z-Fighters to protect the planet he loved.

As he took his place across from Tien in the forest where they were training, Choutzu felt someone coming. He looked at his friend to see if he felt it too. The look on Tien?s face told the Z-Fighter everything he wanted to know.

?Mr. Tien, who is that??

?I don?t know little buddy, but we will find out soon because it is coming this way.?

At that moment they saw him. It was a huge man in saiyan armor. He had long blue hair that matched the pigmentation of his skin to a tee. He closed his eyes, which Choutzu could see were a bright red. His eyes remained closed for a quite a long time.

The two thought that he could not sense them, but then he said with his eyes still closed, ?You down there with the three eyes! Do you know where I can find some fighters??

?Yeah, right here!? Tien screamed up at the giant. ?I?ll take this one Choutzu.?

?No Mr. Tien! I want to see if my training is paying off!?

There was a sign of determination in his face.

?Are you sure buddy? His power level seems to be a little higher then yours, and who knows?maybe he is hiding his true strength.?

?I am fighting, Mr. Tien!" Choutzu yelled.
]]>
Your roleplay looks like it was written in a hurry. Your grammar is bad: the dialogue is all chunked up in the paragraphs. Your spelling's not so great either. The main problem, however, is your run-on sentences. The words keep going and going when you need to split them into separate sentences with period marks. Most of this is easily solved by writing your roleplays in Microsoft Word, but some of them you have to manually fix.

Now, I'm going to go through your roleplay and fix each mistake, and change things around a bit to make the piece flow a little better. I'll do this step-by-step, so you can comprehensively see the changes I make. Each correction is colored red in bold. A total comparison is down at the bottom.



Quote:The sun rose as usual but Choutzu was already awake. He was in the kitchen making breakfast when Tien awoke.

"Hmm, what smells so good?"

"Good morning. Your breakfast is ready," Choutzu said with a smile as he sat two plates on the wooden table.

The two friends ate in silence. When the meal was done, Tien got up and walked out the door, ready for another day of extensive training. Choutzu followed. He was ready to do whatever it took for him to become strong so that the next time the world was in danger he would be there to stand beside the Z-Fighters to protect the planet he loved.
Your first mistake was a simple spelling error. Your next mistake was using 'awoke' in place of 'awake.' The second is past tense, which is what we write in, not present tense. You used the word "he" in-between 'when' and 'Tien,' which doesn't belong there because it makes no sense. Notice how I separated the dialogue (speaking parts) from the rest of the paragraph. It makes it easier to read for three reasons: you can tell someone is talking, you can tell who is talking, and you don't have to strain your eyes.

The first letter of a sentence is always capitalized. There is a comma after "hmm" because sound expressions need a pause after them. Tien is asking a question, therefore there needs to be a quotation mark to show that. Again, the first letter of a sentence is always capitalized. I split up the sentence with a period mark because there were actually two sentences in one, and they can stand all by themselves. When ending dialogue, you always need a comma before the closing quotation mark.

I split up another sentence. I used two commas for pauses, making the sentence flow better. The sentence ends at "training" so I used a period mark. A short 'Choutzu followed' made a simple sentence that could stand on its own, and so I started up another one. Both 'took' and 'was' were in their present tense forms, 'takes' and 'is.' You needed the past tense versions. Lastly, the Z-Fighters is the name of a group, making it a proper noun, so it needed to be capitalized.



Quote:As he took his place across from Tien in the forest where they were training, Choutzu felt someone coming. He looked at his friend to see if he felt it too. The look on Tien's face told the Z-Fighter everything he wanted to know.

"Mr. Tien, who is that?"

"I don't know little buddy, but we will find out soon because it is coming this way."

At that moment they saw him. It was a huge man in saiyan armor. He had long blue hair that matched the pigmentation of his skin to a tee. He closed his eyes, which Choutzu could see were a bright red. His eyes remained closed for a quite a long time.

The two thought that he could not sense them, but then he said with his eyes still closed, "You down there with the three eyes! Do you know where I can find some fighters?"
Okay, you spelling 'training' wrong and need a comma for a pause. You spelled 'looked' and 'coming' wrong and needed to split the sentence. You needed a period mark for your next mistake. Again, Z-Fighter is capitalized. Another pause, another comma. Choutzu is asking a question, so he needs a question mark. You need a comma before the words 'but' or 'and' because that makes it a compound sentence, one of the only right ways to do two sentences in one, but they have to be linked together using those words. You spelling 'coming' wrong again.

Another period. You spelled 'saiyan' wrong. Another sentence. You spelled 'pigmentation' wrong, but good word. Another pause. 'Choutzu' is a name, and names always need to be capitalized. Another period. You spelled 'remained' wrong. You said 'quote' instead of 'quite' which is what you meant. I split up another sentence. A comma goes before the word 'but' for a compound sentence. In dialogue set up that way, you need a comma before the opening quotation mark, and capitalize the first word in the dialogue. I put an exclamation mark instead of a period, because he is calling over loudly. 'I' by itself is always capitalized. Lastly, we end questions with question marks.



Quote:"Yeah, right here!" Tien screamed up at the giant. "I'll take this one Choutzu."

"No Mr. Tien! I want to see if my training is paying off!"

There was a sign of determination in his face.

"Are you sure buddy? His power level seems to be a little higher than yours, and who knows?maybe he is hiding his true strength."

"I am fighting, Mr. Tien!" Choutzu yelled.
Another comma for a pause, and an exclamation point for the screaming. You need a period mark to end a sentence. You need to capitalize the first word in a sentence. Another exclamation point for loud talking. You left off the 'i' in "if." Again, an exclamation point. Capitalized first word twice in a row. Question gets a question mark. You used the wrong "than." 'Then' is in reference to time and 'than' is used for comparison. I used a dash to show a pause. You need to end dialogue with an ending punctuation and a closing quotation mark.

The last comma is tricky. Without the comma, it sounds like he is saying he is going to fight Tien. With the comma, he is telling Tien he's going to fight someone else. If you don't understand, say it out loud. Say: "I'm fighting Mr. Tien" fast and without pausing. Then, say: "I'm fighting, Mr Tien" while stopping a beat after the word 'fighting.' Hopefully you'll get the difference. And to finish up the post, an exclamation point.



That may seem like a lot to process, but a lot of mistakes were just ones you repeated over and over. I recommend you type your roleplays in Microsoft Word, which will catch a lot of minor errors and clean up your posts quite a bit. If you don't have Word and don't have the means to get it, use Spellchecker.net. Type in the box, and then copy/paste into a post when you're done.

I'd like to point out that here at CDBZ, we don't use show history. Nobody knows anybody else when they join, except if you're family. So, Choutzu never knew Tien or the other Z Fighters and he never fought alongside any of them.

Now, take this lesson, and make a new roleplay. Make sure it's 300 words. You can continue where you left off, or you can create a whole new situation. It's difficult splitting up sentences, but I want you to focus on that! We'll continue this until you're ready to officially join.





For easy comparison (so you can see how cleaned up it got by making a few minor adjustments), here is your roleplay versus the editted version:

Quote:ORIGINAL
The sun rose as usaual but Choutzu was already awoke. He was in the kitchen making breakfast when he Tien awoke "hmm what smells so good" "good morning your breakfast is ready" Choutzu said with a smile as he sat two plates on the wooden table. The two friends ate in silence when the meal was done Tien got up and walked out the door ready for another day of extensive training Choutzu followed ready to do whatever it takes for him to become strong so that the next time the world is in danger he would be there to stand beside the z-fighters to protect the planet he loved.

As he took his place across from Tien in the forest where they were trainging Choutzu felt someone comming he lookd at his friend to see if he felt it too the look on Tien's face told the z-fighter everything he wanted to know. "Mr. Tien who is that" "I don't know little buddy but we will find out soon because it is comming this way" at that moment they saw him it was a huge man in sayian armor he had long blue hair that matched the pigmention of his skin to a tee. He closed his eyes which choutzu could see were a bright red his eyes remanied closed for a quote a long time the two thought that he could not sense them but then he said with his eyes still closed "you down there with the three eyes do you know where i can find some fighters" "yeah right here" Tien screamed up at the giant. "I'll take this one Choutzu" "no Mr. Tien I want to see i my training is paying off" there was a sign of determination in his face "are you sure buddy his power level seems to be a little higher then yours and who knows maybe he is hiding his true strength". "I am fighting Mr. Tien" Choutzu yelled.

Quote:EDITTED
The sun rose as usual but Choutzu was already awake. He was in the kitchen making breakfast when Tien awoke.

?Hmm, what smells so good??

?Good morning. Your breakfast is ready,? Choutzu said with a smile as he sat two plates on the wooden table.

The two friends ate in silence. When the meal was done, Tien got up and walked out the door, ready for another day of extensive training. Choutzu followed. He was ready to do whatever it took for him to become strong so that the next time the world was in danger he would be there to stand beside the Z-Fighters to protect the planet he loved.

As he took his place across from Tien in the forest where they were training, Choutzu felt someone coming. He looked at his friend to see if he felt it too. The look on Tien?s face told the Z-Fighter everything he wanted to know.

?Mr. Tien, who is that??

?I don?t know little buddy, but we will find out soon because it is coming this way.?

At that moment they saw him. It was a huge man in saiyan armor. He had long blue hair that matched the pigmentation of his skin to a tee. He closed his eyes, which Choutzu could see were a bright red. His eyes remained closed for a quite a long time.

The two thought that he could not sense them, but then he said with his eyes still closed, ?You down there with the three eyes! Do you know where I can find some fighters??

?Yeah, right here!? Tien screamed up at the giant. ?I?ll take this one Choutzu.?

?No Mr. Tien! I want to see if my training is paying off!?

There was a sign of determination in his face.

?Are you sure buddy? His power level seems to be a little higher then yours, and who knows?maybe he is hiding his true strength.?

?I am fighting, Mr. Tien!" Choutzu yelled.
]]> <![CDATA[baby?]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=37471 Tue, 09 Jan 2007 22:27:28 +0000 Android-18]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=37471 <![CDATA[School members]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=36437 Thu, 07 Dec 2006 05:09:13 +0000 Reijin]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=36437 <![CDATA[To "Captain Ginyu"]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=36172 Mon, 27 Nov 2006 04:04:06 +0000 Bardock]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=36172 <![CDATA[Captain Ginyu]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=35984 Wed, 22 Nov 2006 03:36:51 +0000 Bardock]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=35984 <![CDATA[Android 13]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=35983 Wed, 22 Nov 2006 03:20:57 +0000 Bardock]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=35983
Your sample is only 193 words to begin with, and our minimum requirement is 300, so you have a little over a hundred more words to go. Also, it looked like it was typed up fairly quickly. It's at least in paragraph format, which is a step in the right direction.

Now, I'm going to go through your roleplay and fix each mistake, and change things around a bit to make them flow a little better. I'll do this step-by-step, so you can comprehensively see the changes I make. Each correction is colored red in bold. A total comparison is down at the bottom.

Quote:Revised by Bardock
Android 13 laughed cruelly as he watched the hospital burn down.

"Die," whispered Android 13.

"Stop or we will be forced to attack," noted a military officer.

Android 13 turned his head towards the minor annoyance and decided no threat detected.

"Your turn," informed Android 13.

"Uhhh...I don't think we are gonna live throught this sir," said a soldier.
You only capitalize the first word in a sentence, and the other words following it are lower-case. You had a spelling error with "watched the." The comma goes inside the quotation mark in dialogue. Notice how I separated the dialogue into their own individual sentences. This is so it's easier to understand what is being said and who is saying it.

Quote:Revised by Bardock
Android 13 raised his arms and materialized a large orb of energy and pushed it forward.

"DEATH BLAST," screeched Android 13. Android 13 than dematerialized and rematerialized right behind the army and used another Death Blast, totally annihilating the army. Android 13 then deployed some searcher drones looking for the small orange ball called a dragon ball. Then they found it.
Again, only the first word in a sentence is capitalized. You spelled "annihilating" wrong. You also used the wrong "then" in the last sentence.

Quote:Revised by Bardock
Three Months Later
Android 13 flew over a newly designed city that went by the name of Champion City. Android 13 had felt a powerful presence in the city. Who would not? The Z-Fighters were holding a tournament themselves at full power. Android 13 saw the one who goes by Goku and remembered the last battle. Android 13 processed the chances of him winning and came up negative. Android 13 flew to the top of the city and used Death Bringer to blow up what used to be Champion City.
I cut out the "insert theme here" because it has no place in a roleplay. I also italicized "Three Months Later" because it sets it apart from the roleplay. You should be able to get across things like that without stating it obviously. We roleplay in past tense, so "goes" (which is present tense) becomes "went" (which is past tense). You need to separate your sentences. You need a question mark for a sentence that presents a question. Again, only the first word in a sentence is capitalized. Finally, you need to put a space after a period.


I recommend you type your roleplays in Microsoft Word, which will catch a lot of minor errors and clean up your posts quite a bit. If you don't have Word and don't have the means to get it, use Spellchecker.net. Type in the box, and then copy/paste into a post when you're done.

I'd like to point out that here at CDBZ, we don't use show history. Nobody knows anybody else when they join, except if you're family. So, Android 13 never knew Goku or the other Z Fighters and he never fought any of them.

Now, take this lesson, and make a new roleplay. Make sure it's 300 words. You can continue where you left off, or you can create a whole new situation. I want you to especially focus on capitalization! We'll continue this until you're ready to officially join.





For easy comparison (so you can see how cleaned up it got by making a few minor adjustments), here is your roleplay versus the editted version:

Quote:ORIGINAL
Android 13 Laughed Cruelly as he watche dthe hospital burn down."Die",Whispered Android 13."Stop Or We Will Be Forced To Attack",Noted A Military Officer.Android 13 Turned His Head Towards The Minor Annoyance And Decided No Threat Detected."Your Turn",Informed Android 13."Uhhh I Don`t Think we are gonna live throught this sir,"Said Soldier.Android 13 Raised his Arms and materialized a large orb of energy and pushed it forward."DEATH BLAST,"Screeched Android 13.Andoid 13 than dematerialized and Rematerialized right behind the army and Used another Death Blast.Totally anighlated the army.Android 13 Than Deployed Some Searcher Drones looking for the small orange ball called a dragon ball.Than They Found It.

Theme Goes Here

Three Monthes Later
Android 13 Flew Over A Newly Designed city that goes by the name of Champion City Android 13 had felt a powerful presence in the city.Who would not the Z-Fighters Were holding a tournament themselves at full power.Android 13 saw the one who goes by Goku and remembered the last battle.Android 13 Processed The Chances Of Him Winning and came up negative.Android 13 Flew To The Top Of The City And Used Death Bringer To Blow up What Used To Be Champion City.

Quote:EDITTED
Android 13 laughed cruelly as he watched the hospital burn down.

?Die,? whispered Android 13.

"Stop or we will be forced to attack,? noted a military officer.

Android 13 turned his head towards the minor annoyance and decided no threat detected.

"Your turn,? informed Android 13.

?Uhhh?I don?t think we are gonna live through this sir,? said soldier.

Android 13 raised his arms and materialized a large orb of energy and pushed it forward.

?DEATH BLAST,? screeched Android 13. Android 13 than dematerialized and rematerialized right behind the army and used another Death Blast, totally annihilating the army. Android 13 then deployed some searcher drones looking for the small orange ball called a dragon ball. Then they found it.

Three Months Later
Android 13 flew over a newly designed city that goes by the name of Champion City. Android 13 had felt a powerful presence in the city. Who would not? The Z-Fighters were holding a tournament themselves at full power. Android 13 saw the one who goes by Goku and remembered the last battle. Android 13 processed the chances of him winning and came up negative. Android 13 flew to the top of the city and used Death Bringer to blow up what used to be Champion City.
]]>
Your sample is only 193 words to begin with, and our minimum requirement is 300, so you have a little over a hundred more words to go. Also, it looked like it was typed up fairly quickly. It's at least in paragraph format, which is a step in the right direction.

Now, I'm going to go through your roleplay and fix each mistake, and change things around a bit to make them flow a little better. I'll do this step-by-step, so you can comprehensively see the changes I make. Each correction is colored red in bold. A total comparison is down at the bottom.

Quote:Revised by Bardock
Android 13 laughed cruelly as he watched the hospital burn down.

"Die," whispered Android 13.

"Stop or we will be forced to attack," noted a military officer.

Android 13 turned his head towards the minor annoyance and decided no threat detected.

"Your turn," informed Android 13.

"Uhhh...I don't think we are gonna live throught this sir," said a soldier.
You only capitalize the first word in a sentence, and the other words following it are lower-case. You had a spelling error with "watched the." The comma goes inside the quotation mark in dialogue. Notice how I separated the dialogue into their own individual sentences. This is so it's easier to understand what is being said and who is saying it.

Quote:Revised by Bardock
Android 13 raised his arms and materialized a large orb of energy and pushed it forward.

"DEATH BLAST," screeched Android 13. Android 13 than dematerialized and rematerialized right behind the army and used another Death Blast, totally annihilating the army. Android 13 then deployed some searcher drones looking for the small orange ball called a dragon ball. Then they found it.
Again, only the first word in a sentence is capitalized. You spelled "annihilating" wrong. You also used the wrong "then" in the last sentence.

Quote:Revised by Bardock
Three Months Later
Android 13 flew over a newly designed city that went by the name of Champion City. Android 13 had felt a powerful presence in the city. Who would not? The Z-Fighters were holding a tournament themselves at full power. Android 13 saw the one who goes by Goku and remembered the last battle. Android 13 processed the chances of him winning and came up negative. Android 13 flew to the top of the city and used Death Bringer to blow up what used to be Champion City.
I cut out the "insert theme here" because it has no place in a roleplay. I also italicized "Three Months Later" because it sets it apart from the roleplay. You should be able to get across things like that without stating it obviously. We roleplay in past tense, so "goes" (which is present tense) becomes "went" (which is past tense). You need to separate your sentences. You need a question mark for a sentence that presents a question. Again, only the first word in a sentence is capitalized. Finally, you need to put a space after a period.


I recommend you type your roleplays in Microsoft Word, which will catch a lot of minor errors and clean up your posts quite a bit. If you don't have Word and don't have the means to get it, use Spellchecker.net. Type in the box, and then copy/paste into a post when you're done.

I'd like to point out that here at CDBZ, we don't use show history. Nobody knows anybody else when they join, except if you're family. So, Android 13 never knew Goku or the other Z Fighters and he never fought any of them.

Now, take this lesson, and make a new roleplay. Make sure it's 300 words. You can continue where you left off, or you can create a whole new situation. I want you to especially focus on capitalization! We'll continue this until you're ready to officially join.





For easy comparison (so you can see how cleaned up it got by making a few minor adjustments), here is your roleplay versus the editted version:

Quote:ORIGINAL
Android 13 Laughed Cruelly as he watche dthe hospital burn down."Die",Whispered Android 13."Stop Or We Will Be Forced To Attack",Noted A Military Officer.Android 13 Turned His Head Towards The Minor Annoyance And Decided No Threat Detected."Your Turn",Informed Android 13."Uhhh I Don`t Think we are gonna live throught this sir,"Said Soldier.Android 13 Raised his Arms and materialized a large orb of energy and pushed it forward."DEATH BLAST,"Screeched Android 13.Andoid 13 than dematerialized and Rematerialized right behind the army and Used another Death Blast.Totally anighlated the army.Android 13 Than Deployed Some Searcher Drones looking for the small orange ball called a dragon ball.Than They Found It.

Theme Goes Here

Three Monthes Later
Android 13 Flew Over A Newly Designed city that goes by the name of Champion City Android 13 had felt a powerful presence in the city.Who would not the Z-Fighters Were holding a tournament themselves at full power.Android 13 saw the one who goes by Goku and remembered the last battle.Android 13 Processed The Chances Of Him Winning and came up negative.Android 13 Flew To The Top Of The City And Used Death Bringer To Blow up What Used To Be Champion City.

Quote:EDITTED
Android 13 laughed cruelly as he watched the hospital burn down.

?Die,? whispered Android 13.

"Stop or we will be forced to attack,? noted a military officer.

Android 13 turned his head towards the minor annoyance and decided no threat detected.

"Your turn,? informed Android 13.

?Uhhh?I don?t think we are gonna live through this sir,? said soldier.

Android 13 raised his arms and materialized a large orb of energy and pushed it forward.

?DEATH BLAST,? screeched Android 13. Android 13 than dematerialized and rematerialized right behind the army and used another Death Blast, totally annihilating the army. Android 13 then deployed some searcher drones looking for the small orange ball called a dragon ball. Then they found it.

Three Months Later
Android 13 flew over a newly designed city that goes by the name of Champion City. Android 13 had felt a powerful presence in the city. Who would not? The Z-Fighters were holding a tournament themselves at full power. Android 13 saw the one who goes by Goku and remembered the last battle. Android 13 processed the chances of him winning and came up negative. Android 13 flew to the top of the city and used Death Bringer to blow up what used to be Champion City.
]]> <![CDATA[Noku]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=35408 Mon, 23 Oct 2006 06:32:40 +0000 Bardock]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=35408
A common problem for new joiners seems to be spacing. Your roleplay is in paragraph format, which is good, but there are a few things that should be separated from the main clump. You also have a lot of spelling and grammatical errors.

Now, I'm going to go through your roleplay and fix each mistake, and change things around a bit to make them flow a little better. I'll do this step-by-step, so you can comprehensively see the changes I make. Each correction is colored red in bold. A total comparison is down at the bottom.


Quote:Revised by Bardock
The years in HFIL changed Bebi. He was stuck in that place with all the other villains, all the ones that were defeated by the Z Fighters, especially that Goku. One million years has passed and to Bebi it was a minute, for he was training ever so hard to surpass Goku and his friends.

Finally the day had come for Bebi's release. King Yama really thought Bebi had changed. And Bebi acted that way too, but inside he was still his gruesome self. He wanted badly to get out and get his revenge on Goku...
"HFIL" stands for "Home For Infinite Losers," but you had it as "HFLI." The name 'Bebi' is a name, or a proper noun, meaning it should always be capitalized. You had "ever stuck," but the 'ever' is completely unnecessary. "Villains" is spelled wrong. You used the word 'was,' which is past tense. We don't write in present tense, so you needed 'were' to make it past tense. "Fighters" should be capitalized since it's a group name, and you need to use a comma instead of a period because "especially that Goku" is not enough to make a complete sentence. The first letter in a new sentence is always capitalized. Again, you needed to capitalize 'Bebi.' Next, you needed a comma after the word "minute" because there is a pause. You used "has" which is past tense, so it needed to be changed to "had" to make it present tense. Once again, 'Bebi' needs to be capitalized. "Crusome" is not a word, but "gruesome" is, if that's what you meant. You spelled "badly" wrong. Lastly, an elipsis (dots ued for dramatic pause) only uses three periods.


Quote:Revised by Bardock
The bright sun shone on Bebi. It took him a long time to get adjusted to the sun. Bebi's skin and everything had changed. The once gray metal skin had changed into a white muscluar human body, and his once metal face turned into a handsome young man's face. His hair was all spiky and white, and had a fake smile on his face.

As he landed on the Lookout, Dende was armed with namekian soldiers. The young Dende was now an old man that looked like Kami.
"Shine" is present tense, while "shone" is past tense. Again, 'Bebi' must be capitalized. Both "white muscular" (muscular was spelled wrong) and "metal face" were capitalized, when they are not proper nouns, and shouldn't be. They're just description words and should be lower case. You need an apostrophe in "man's" to make it possessive, which it is. You need a period at the end of your sentence. "Spiky" is spelled way wrong. The "Lookout" is a place, hence a proper noun, and should be capitalized. You also need a comma after that word for a pause. Both 'namekian' and 'soldiers' were spelled wrong, and "namekian" isn't capitalized because it's a species name. You used the letter "a" before old. When the next word starts with a vowel (a, e, i, o, u) you need to use "an" instead.


Quote:Revised by Bardock
"Are you Be-bebi?" asked Dende in shaky voice.

"Why yes I am," replied Bebi in a polite way.

"King Yama was right, you have changed even your appearance," said Dende, looking at Bebi from head to toe.

"The stay in Vegeta's body and the people I controlled had an effect on my regular appearance and my DNA and so I've turned into a saiyan," said Bebi. "And the stay at HFIL turned me good."
You'll notice I separated the dialogue from the initial paragraph, and spaced between each person saying something. You should do this too. "Bebi" needs to be capitalized again and you need a question mark at the end of a question. "Shaky" is spelled wrong. You need a comma before the closing quotation mark. You need a comma for the pause in the next dialogue. "Appearance" is spelled wrong and you need a comma before the closing quotation mark. You need a comma after 'Dende' for the pause. Yet again, "Bebi" must be capitalized. You need an apostrophe in "Vegeta's" to make it possessive. You used the letter "a" before "effect" (which was spelled wrong). When the next word starts with a vowel (a, e, i, o, u) you need to use "an" instead. "Appearance" is spelled wrong again. "Saiyan" was spelled wrong and should not be capitalized because it is a species name, and you need a comma before the closing quotation mark. Again, 'Bebi' must be capitalized. You switched the letters in "HFIL" again.


Quote:Revised by Bardock
"Why that's good to hear," said Dende smiling. "Well off you go then."

"Okay, I'll be seeing around then," said bebi. Bebi turned away from Dende smirking and blasted off. Now to find Goku.
You need an apostrophe in "that's" to make it the contraction 'that is.' You used the wrong kind of "here." 'Here' is a direction, 'hear' means to listen. You need a comma before the closing quotation. "Okay" should always be spelled out, not shortened to 'ok.' You need a comma before the closing quotation. "Smirking" should not be capitalized because it is a describing word. Finally, never, never, never, NEVER used asterisks (*) in writing! Italicize thoughts instead.


I recommend you type your roleplays in Microsoft Word, which will help catch minor errors. If you don't have Word and don't have the means to get it, use Spellchecker.net. Type in the box, and then copy/paste into a post when you're done.

I'd like to point out that here at CDBZ, we don't use show history. Nobody knows anybody else when they join, except if you're family. So, Bebi never knew Vegeta or Goku or the other Z Fighters and he never possessed anyone. Actually, Bebi isn't even allowed to know his possession ability here. I know you're not joining as him, but this applies to every other character, including Noku.

Now, take this lesson, and make a new roleplay. Since you are going to join as Noku, I want you to make him the central character. No more Bebi. If you're going to be Noku, it would be better if you practiced as Noku. We'll continue this until you're ready to officially join.





For easy comparison (so you can see how cleaned up it got by making a few minor adjustments), here is your roleplay versus the editted version:

Quote:ORIGINAL
The years in HFLI changed bebi he was ever stuck in that place with all the other vilians, all the ones that was defeated by the Z fighters. Especially that Goku. one million years has passed and to bebi it was a minute for he was training ever so hard to surpass Goku and his friends.

Finally the day has come for Bebi's release. King Yama really thought bebi had changed. And Bebi acted that way too, but inside he was still his crusome self. He wanted bably to get out and get his revenge on Goku.....

The bright sun shine on bebi. It took him a long time to get adjusted to the sun. Bebi's skin and everything had changed. The once gray metal skin had changed into a White Muscluar human body, and his once Metal Face turned into a handsome young mans face, His hair was all spicky and white, and had a fake smile on his face. As he landed on the lookout Dende was armed with Namkien soilders. The young Dende was now a old man that looked like Kami. " Are you be-bebi" asked Dende in shacky voice. "Why yes I am" replied Bebi in a polite way. "King Yama was right you have changed even your apperance" said Dende looking at bebi from head to toe. " The stay in Vegetas body and the people I controlled had a effected on my regular apperence and my DNA and so I've turned into a Sayin" said bebi. "And the stay at HFLI turned me good." "Why thats good to here" said Dende smiling. "Well off you go then." "Ok, I'll be seeing around then" said bebi. Bebi turned away from Dende Smirking and blasted off. *Now to find Goku*

Quote:EDITTED
The years in HFIL changed Bebi. He was stuck in that place with all the other villains, all the ones that were defeated by the Z Fighters, especially that Goku. One million years had passed and to Bebi it was a minute, for he was training ever so hard to surpass Goku and his friends.

Finally the day had come for Bebi?s release. King Yama really thought Bebi had changed. And Bebi acted that way too, but inside he was still his gruesome self. He wanted badly to get out and get his revenge on Goku?

The bright sun shone on Bebi. It took him a long time to get adjusted to the sun. Bebi?s skin and everything had changed. The once gray metal skin had changed into a white muscular human body, and his once metal face turned into a handsome young man?s face. His hair was all spiky and white, and he had a fake smile on his face. As he landed on the lookout Dende was armed with namekian soldiers. The young Dende was now an old man that looked like Kami.

?Are you Be-bebi?? asked Dende in shaky voice.

?Why yes I am,? replied Bebi in a polite way.

?King Yama was right, you have changed even your appearance,? said Dende, looking at Bebi from head to toe.

?The stay in Vegeta?s body and the people I controlled had an effect on my regular appearance and my DNA and so I?ve turned into a saiyan,? said Bebi. ?And the stay at HFIL turned me good.?

?Why that?s good to hear,? said Dende smiling. ?Well off you go then.?

?Okay, I?ll be seeing around then,? said Bebi. Bebi turned away from Dende smirking and blasted off. Now to find Goku.
]]>
A common problem for new joiners seems to be spacing. Your roleplay is in paragraph format, which is good, but there are a few things that should be separated from the main clump. You also have a lot of spelling and grammatical errors.

Now, I'm going to go through your roleplay and fix each mistake, and change things around a bit to make them flow a little better. I'll do this step-by-step, so you can comprehensively see the changes I make. Each correction is colored red in bold. A total comparison is down at the bottom.


Quote:Revised by Bardock
The years in HFIL changed Bebi. He was stuck in that place with all the other villains, all the ones that were defeated by the Z Fighters, especially that Goku. One million years has passed and to Bebi it was a minute, for he was training ever so hard to surpass Goku and his friends.

Finally the day had come for Bebi's release. King Yama really thought Bebi had changed. And Bebi acted that way too, but inside he was still his gruesome self. He wanted badly to get out and get his revenge on Goku...
"HFIL" stands for "Home For Infinite Losers," but you had it as "HFLI." The name 'Bebi' is a name, or a proper noun, meaning it should always be capitalized. You had "ever stuck," but the 'ever' is completely unnecessary. "Villains" is spelled wrong. You used the word 'was,' which is past tense. We don't write in present tense, so you needed 'were' to make it past tense. "Fighters" should be capitalized since it's a group name, and you need to use a comma instead of a period because "especially that Goku" is not enough to make a complete sentence. The first letter in a new sentence is always capitalized. Again, you needed to capitalize 'Bebi.' Next, you needed a comma after the word "minute" because there is a pause. You used "has" which is past tense, so it needed to be changed to "had" to make it present tense. Once again, 'Bebi' needs to be capitalized. "Crusome" is not a word, but "gruesome" is, if that's what you meant. You spelled "badly" wrong. Lastly, an elipsis (dots ued for dramatic pause) only uses three periods.


Quote:Revised by Bardock
The bright sun shone on Bebi. It took him a long time to get adjusted to the sun. Bebi's skin and everything had changed. The once gray metal skin had changed into a white muscluar human body, and his once metal face turned into a handsome young man's face. His hair was all spiky and white, and had a fake smile on his face.

As he landed on the Lookout, Dende was armed with namekian soldiers. The young Dende was now an old man that looked like Kami.
"Shine" is present tense, while "shone" is past tense. Again, 'Bebi' must be capitalized. Both "white muscular" (muscular was spelled wrong) and "metal face" were capitalized, when they are not proper nouns, and shouldn't be. They're just description words and should be lower case. You need an apostrophe in "man's" to make it possessive, which it is. You need a period at the end of your sentence. "Spiky" is spelled way wrong. The "Lookout" is a place, hence a proper noun, and should be capitalized. You also need a comma after that word for a pause. Both 'namekian' and 'soldiers' were spelled wrong, and "namekian" isn't capitalized because it's a species name. You used the letter "a" before old. When the next word starts with a vowel (a, e, i, o, u) you need to use "an" instead.


Quote:Revised by Bardock
"Are you Be-bebi?" asked Dende in shaky voice.

"Why yes I am," replied Bebi in a polite way.

"King Yama was right, you have changed even your appearance," said Dende, looking at Bebi from head to toe.

"The stay in Vegeta's body and the people I controlled had an effect on my regular appearance and my DNA and so I've turned into a saiyan," said Bebi. "And the stay at HFIL turned me good."
You'll notice I separated the dialogue from the initial paragraph, and spaced between each person saying something. You should do this too. "Bebi" needs to be capitalized again and you need a question mark at the end of a question. "Shaky" is spelled wrong. You need a comma before the closing quotation mark. You need a comma for the pause in the next dialogue. "Appearance" is spelled wrong and you need a comma before the closing quotation mark. You need a comma after 'Dende' for the pause. Yet again, "Bebi" must be capitalized. You need an apostrophe in "Vegeta's" to make it possessive. You used the letter "a" before "effect" (which was spelled wrong). When the next word starts with a vowel (a, e, i, o, u) you need to use "an" instead. "Appearance" is spelled wrong again. "Saiyan" was spelled wrong and should not be capitalized because it is a species name, and you need a comma before the closing quotation mark. Again, 'Bebi' must be capitalized. You switched the letters in "HFIL" again.


Quote:Revised by Bardock
"Why that's good to hear," said Dende smiling. "Well off you go then."

"Okay, I'll be seeing around then," said bebi. Bebi turned away from Dende smirking and blasted off. Now to find Goku.
You need an apostrophe in "that's" to make it the contraction 'that is.' You used the wrong kind of "here." 'Here' is a direction, 'hear' means to listen. You need a comma before the closing quotation. "Okay" should always be spelled out, not shortened to 'ok.' You need a comma before the closing quotation. "Smirking" should not be capitalized because it is a describing word. Finally, never, never, never, NEVER used asterisks (*) in writing! Italicize thoughts instead.


I recommend you type your roleplays in Microsoft Word, which will help catch minor errors. If you don't have Word and don't have the means to get it, use Spellchecker.net. Type in the box, and then copy/paste into a post when you're done.

I'd like to point out that here at CDBZ, we don't use show history. Nobody knows anybody else when they join, except if you're family. So, Bebi never knew Vegeta or Goku or the other Z Fighters and he never possessed anyone. Actually, Bebi isn't even allowed to know his possession ability here. I know you're not joining as him, but this applies to every other character, including Noku.

Now, take this lesson, and make a new roleplay. Since you are going to join as Noku, I want you to make him the central character. No more Bebi. If you're going to be Noku, it would be better if you practiced as Noku. We'll continue this until you're ready to officially join.





For easy comparison (so you can see how cleaned up it got by making a few minor adjustments), here is your roleplay versus the editted version:

Quote:ORIGINAL
The years in HFLI changed bebi he was ever stuck in that place with all the other vilians, all the ones that was defeated by the Z fighters. Especially that Goku. one million years has passed and to bebi it was a minute for he was training ever so hard to surpass Goku and his friends.

Finally the day has come for Bebi's release. King Yama really thought bebi had changed. And Bebi acted that way too, but inside he was still his crusome self. He wanted bably to get out and get his revenge on Goku.....

The bright sun shine on bebi. It took him a long time to get adjusted to the sun. Bebi's skin and everything had changed. The once gray metal skin had changed into a White Muscluar human body, and his once Metal Face turned into a handsome young mans face, His hair was all spicky and white, and had a fake smile on his face. As he landed on the lookout Dende was armed with Namkien soilders. The young Dende was now a old man that looked like Kami. " Are you be-bebi" asked Dende in shacky voice. "Why yes I am" replied Bebi in a polite way. "King Yama was right you have changed even your apperance" said Dende looking at bebi from head to toe. " The stay in Vegetas body and the people I controlled had a effected on my regular apperence and my DNA and so I've turned into a Sayin" said bebi. "And the stay at HFLI turned me good." "Why thats good to here" said Dende smiling. "Well off you go then." "Ok, I'll be seeing around then" said bebi. Bebi turned away from Dende Smirking and blasted off. *Now to find Goku*

Quote:EDITTED
The years in HFIL changed Bebi. He was stuck in that place with all the other villains, all the ones that were defeated by the Z Fighters, especially that Goku. One million years had passed and to Bebi it was a minute, for he was training ever so hard to surpass Goku and his friends.

Finally the day had come for Bebi?s release. King Yama really thought Bebi had changed. And Bebi acted that way too, but inside he was still his gruesome self. He wanted badly to get out and get his revenge on Goku?

The bright sun shone on Bebi. It took him a long time to get adjusted to the sun. Bebi?s skin and everything had changed. The once gray metal skin had changed into a white muscular human body, and his once metal face turned into a handsome young man?s face. His hair was all spiky and white, and he had a fake smile on his face. As he landed on the lookout Dende was armed with namekian soldiers. The young Dende was now an old man that looked like Kami.

?Are you Be-bebi?? asked Dende in shaky voice.

?Why yes I am,? replied Bebi in a polite way.

?King Yama was right, you have changed even your appearance,? said Dende, looking at Bebi from head to toe.

?The stay in Vegeta?s body and the people I controlled had an effect on my regular appearance and my DNA and so I?ve turned into a saiyan,? said Bebi. ?And the stay at HFIL turned me good.?

?Why that?s good to hear,? said Dende smiling. ?Well off you go then.?

?Okay, I?ll be seeing around then,? said Bebi. Bebi turned away from Dende smirking and blasted off. Now to find Goku.
]]> <![CDATA[Thumprocky]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=35336 Wed, 18 Oct 2006 17:13:25 +0000 Bardock]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=35336 <![CDATA[Dracula Man]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=35022 Wed, 27 Sep 2006 18:53:33 +0000 Burter]]> http://alex.zulenka.com/showthread.php?tid=35022