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+--- Thread: Vi's C&C Thread (/showthread.php?tid=13949)
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Vi's C&C Thread - Kazuya - 04-18-2009
Hey peepz,
So, I'm lazy. You know that, I know that. I want to end this lazy streak by opening a C&C Thread. Now, bear with me, slow, baby steps here, people. I will be taking TWO roleplays a week and reading them, critiquing them, and disjointing them in any way I please, and offering my opinion on what I would have done, or what could have been done better.
Now, by two roleplays, I mean just that, two posts a week. Not two posts per person, just two period. The only way around this is if I get into a post, I will typically want to read more until I feel that I've read enough.
Oh, and I am not a fan of epically long posts, either, unless said post is so damn eyegasmingly good (Yeah, I made up a word. =P), please don't submit them.
How to Submit!
Like I said, I'll be reading TWO POSTS per week, more if I am really feeling an author. This means I won't be getting to everybody at once. If after the two or however many posts I get to reading, and I feel I can handle more, I'll review more. What you have to do is PM me a link to a roleplay you want me to read. Recaps of previous relevant posts are welcome, if they are kept terse, and to the point.
I will list off those that I recieve here, along with a status of that roleplay, and post in here my review.
(BTW, I hope that wasn't assholic at all.)
RECAP!!!!
-TWO ROLEPLAYS A WEEK is what I do.
- PM me a link to your roleplay. They will be reviewed in the order in which they are received, so be quick!
-Don't bitch if I don't get to yours, it'll happen eventually.
-Don't be a jerk and try to rush me. I hate being rushed. Remember me = lazy.
-I'm going to be blunt. I don't want to hurt feelings, but I feel after three years of being here, I feel I can be bluntly honest with some of you guys and you guys not being buttholes to me about it.
-
![[Image: Best_Cookie-20.jpg]](http://www.sallybernstein.com/food/columns/zonis/Best_Cookie-20.jpg)
Are always welcome.
_________________________________________________
Legend:
![[Image: 5stars.jpg]](http://storm.novahost.org/cdbz/images/stars/5stars.jpg)
Friggin' Exceptional. Had to grab a towel to wipe the stuff from my eyes after they 'gasmed.
![[Image: 4stars.jpg]](http://storm.novahost.org/cdbz/images/stars/4stars.jpg)
Pretty good, but there was still some stuff that could have been fixed. Probably gave you this because I'm a horrible hypocritical grammar nazi.
![[Image: 3stars.jpg]](http://storm.novahost.org/cdbz/images/stars/3stars.jpg)
Average. Liked it, but probably would take something more epic to capture my interest again.
![[Image: 2stars.jpg]](http://storm.novahost.org/cdbz/images/stars/2stars.jpg)
I wouldn't say horrible, but it wasn't very smooth going down. Could use some work.
![[Image: 1stars.jpg]](http://storm.novahost.org/cdbz/images/stars/1stars.jpg)
This really could have been thought out better, certainly not one of your best. Would be a great idea if you reviewed each roleplay before you posted it. Go through a grammar check, a spelling check (Theres a firefox addon for this), whatever you have to do, or just see my notes.
![[Image: 0stars.jpg]](http://storm.novahost.org/cdbz/images/stars/0stars.jpg)
You probably want to just forget such spew was even written. Look up some writing exercises and start practicing more. Fetal positions are most welcome with this grade.
_________________________________________________
On the Docket:
(As of 4.18.09)
(4.18.09) [URL="http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25662"]Gozen
[/URL] IN PROGRESS
(4.18.09) [URL="http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25772"]Juno
[/URL] IN PROGRESS
(4.18.09) [URL="http://cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.php?p=497657&postcount=4"]Cain
[/URL] HOLD
(4.21.09) [URL="http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.php?p=497557&postcount=2"]Sophia
[/URL] HOLD
(4.21.09) [URL="http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?p=498337#post498337"]Alexander Trafford
[/URL] HOLD
(4.28.09) Piper
HOLD
_________________________________________________
Completed
(4.18.09) Sage
Completed
(4.18.09) [URL="http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25787"]Szar
[/URL] Completed
Cookies!!
Szar: http://www.funny-potato.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/funny-cookies.jpg
Sage: http://technabob.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/super_mario_cookie.jpg
Cain: http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1426/1024896486_6dbe8b36a6.jpg?v=0
Vi's C&C Thread - Szar - 04-18-2009
Cool idea. Sent you a PM.
Edit: WHOOPS. There, I sent you the link now, I think.
Vi's C&C Thread - Kazuya - 04-19-2009
Sage[FONT="]
[/FONT] Overall:
3/4Pretty good, some grammar stuff could have been fixed, but the errors are easily overlooked.
Mechanics
Grammar:
Consistancy:
Story:
Reread Value:
1/2_________________________________________________
Quote:Ashe was looking around. Her hands wrapped tightly around her, like she was hugging herself. Like she was cold. Sage wasn’t cold. How could you be cold in a tropical jungle right next to a desert? But Sage was never cold. Anywhere.
Grammar. This, along with a few other paragraphs, could have been reworked differently. I find this one to be too full of stops, making the reading a little slow and choppy. The idea is to make the words flow, and create a consistent image within the reader’s head. We, as literary artists, must use our tools (vocabulary, grammar, and mastery of the English language and its mechanics), to create within the reader’s mind a scene. I find the use of so many fragmented sentences to impinge on the creation of that scene.
Here’s how I would have done it:
Quote:Ashe was looking around, her small hands wrapped tightly around her torso like she was hugging the warmth to her small frame. How was she cold? Sage wasn’t the least bit chilly; it boggled her, this reaction. Never in her life could she recount a time when she was discomforted by coldness. A teal brow forked inquisitively as she tried to understand this phenomena, how could you be cold in a tropical jungle right next to a desert?
_________________________________________________
Quote:Ashe was complaining about something. There was a stick caught in the transmission. Something like that. But a boyfriend taught her to drive, so it was okay. Sage didn’t understand, but she didn’t care.Again, the problem is punctuation. It’s fine the way it is, but you could really just spruce up some of it with different punctuation, compound more sentences. Commas and hyphens are the salt and pepper of grammar, just sprinkle a little here and there and it’ll taste much better.
The vehicle shook beneath her, and the truck lurched violently forward. Ashe apologized for some reason, and they started moving. The driver moved a lever and pressed on a pedal, and the truck lurched hard again. Ashe did this again, and the truck shook again. Sage didn’t know why she wouldn’t just leave those levers and pedals alone. The truck seemed to drive okay when she wasn’t touching them. It didn’t matter, though. It wasn’t bad, just uncomfortable.
She sighed, watching her breath billow out in front of her as a cloud of steam. It must have been freezing. Sage looked over at her driver, watching her shiver violently. Ashe had both hands on the wheel, hands clenched tightly to fight against the painfully uncomfortable chill. Sage just lounged in her chair. She felt bad, but she was helpless.
Other than my grammar gripe, I liked this selection because it shows a little as to how helpless this girl is. She’s a junkie. Not being able to overcome her addiction is just another part of her feeling helpless, and doesn’t aide her at all. I got the feeling through this post that she was going through withdrawals, or at least some kind of hallucinogenic effect, like her mind is trying to recreate the haze she’s usually in when she’s high. You’re probably not really aware that you’re even doing it, but you’re on the right track to drawing the reader into her way of thinking.
_________________________________________________
Quote:“I’m... sorry...”
“No, it’s okay,” Ashe replied, throwing her sweater back over herself. “We’ll just have to walk,” she grumbled, before withdrawing the GPS device from the truck. “We’ll have to deal with the cold, somehow, too.”
But I’m responsible for it, Sage wanted to say.
I had to look up your roster sheet to see if you possessed that talent because I’m used to people just grabbing a talent like that and just shooting fireballs or ice balls or whatnot, just standard generic shit. This was like something fresh, new, a very unique way to introduce it. I liked it because of that. Instead of using it more as a defensive mechanism , wielding it like some kind of weapon, you used it more of something that wasn’t really controlled, more subconscious, where it has a mind of its own. Its more dangerous that way, methinks. Very unpredictable.
Overall, I think you did a great job with it. I know you didn’t want me to sugarcoat it, so I tried to put as much constructive criticism into it as I could. Your continuity is nearly flawless, as I haven’t read a post from you since I left FoF, I can still put two and two together. If I was a newbie and just came into this, I would have a very good understanding of the character, her vices, and way of thinking, if I paid attention. Helpful advice, just make sure you reread your roleplays, and fix the grammar errors. Try playing around with different styles, and work more with compounding your sentences. Don’t overkill it, but work in a few more. I know that its part of your style, but as I mentioned, all those periods really slow down the flow for me, and I don’t enjoy it as much. I like fast-paced reading. Commas are brief pauses, and just enough to slow me down and keep me going, unlike periods, which are full stops.
Vi's C&C Thread - Sage - 04-19-2009
Much appreciated.
And I totally agree. If it means anything, I'd like to explain the grammar thing. It was kind of on purpose. I was playing with a new technique. All the sudden starts and stops were supposed to get you kind of thinking like Sage was. Detached and with her thoughts all jumping around and stuff.
However, it must not have turned out quite so well if it messed with the read like that. Anyway, thanks a lot, I really do appreciate the critique.
Vi's C&C Thread - Kazuya - 04-19-2009
You're quite welcome
Its really about execution. It's a good idea, its just really how you lead the reader to it. If it just comes out of no where, if the reader can't connect with it, then its not going to be very successful. Its a difficult think to master, though.
Everyone else, thanks for the awesome responses. Remember, I'm doing two a week, more if I got the time/motivation and if I can shut that WoW demon up.
EDIT: You guys are slacking on the cookies. Seriously, people. More cookies.
Vi's C&C Thread - Sage - 04-19-2009
![[Image: super_mario_cookie.jpg]](http://technabob.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/super_mario_cookie.jpg)
Yes, it's a cookie.
Vi's C&C Thread - Belle Hibiki - 04-19-2009
this thread
![[Image: thumbs-up_000.jpg]](http://www.barnstable.k12.ma.us/bhs/Library/images/thumbs-up_000.jpg)
Vi's C&C Thread - Sigfried Hunin - 04-19-2009
I approve!
Vi's C&C Thread - Cain - 04-20-2009
![[Image: 1024896486_6dbe8b36a6.jpg?v=0]](http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1426/1024896486_6dbe8b36a6.jpg?v=0)
Stickin' to the bare necessities. =D
Vi's C&C Thread - Kazuya - 04-20-2009
Working on Szar's later this evening. And Cain, dude, I love you. So much. Looking like I'm going to get to all of you this week, but don't put money on it.
Vi's C&C Thread - Kazuya - 04-21-2009
Szar
_________________________________________________
Overall:
Not bad, but it was really too linear for my tastes. It would probably have to take a couple of recommendations from other readers to get me to read this on my own.
_________________________________________________
Mechanics
Grammar:
Story:
Reread Value:
_________________________________________________
Quote:Chief Erickson, a 30-year veteran with a reputable past, calmly thumbed through the clutter on his desk, pulling out a file. He read through it quickly, before looking up at Szar.
There has to be a better way to tell how long Chief Erickson has been on the job other than outright throwing it out there like that. It’s not a wrong choice, I just like it when it’s blended in a little more other than tossed like a fact in a pamphlet.
Quote:Erickson grinned, his teeth a yellow mess from years of smoking. He wheeled his chair around, stopping in front of a tall filing cabinet in the room’s corner. Pulling open the middle drawer, he thumbed through the files until he found the one he wanted. Pulling it out, he pressed the cabinet closed, and turned back to the Changeling.What I was trying to point out with Sage was his underuse of commas. You really have no problem with that. In fact, your grammar is pretty damn good, if I may say so.
The reason why I chose this particular paragraph is because this is a good example of just ‘plainness’. Word overuse. While your physical descriptions are impeccable, it really doesn’t balance out too well with using the same words several times in a row. Perhaps there are different ways you could reword that entire thing to where it isn’t so dull. I’ll try and spice it up a bit:
Quote: Erickson lifted his head, giving the changeling a toothy grin, the dark yellow stains of his teeth just slightly darker than his thin, crinkled lips (this implies that he’s old, thus, helping with the whole supporting of the idea that he’s been on the job/smoking for a long period of time). Wheeling his chair around to a filing cabinet situated in a nearby corner, he pulled open a middle drawer and shuffled through the files. His brows lifted as he slid a manila folder from the sea of similar ones, the only differentiating mark to distinguish it from the others was a bright, neon orange sticker. (description) Pressing the drawer closed once more, he turned back to his patiently waiting guest.Now, I’m not saying this is the best way to do it, but it is certainly another way to do it while getting rid of the BS. I added a few extra descriptors that I believe aided our visual construction, but that’s always up to you, as an artist, on what you want to include.
Overall, I just get this really linear feel to it, there’s no real unpredictability to it. It’s the beauty of storytelling, what’s the point of continuing to read if you already know/can guess what’s coming next? What about the element of surprise? I don’t get any of that, and I found myself straying to do other things to stimulate my mind.
This is probably a confusing concept to grasp, but you have the potential to wield a great story, not just a good story. A great story will make you keep guessing, and surprise you with every entry. What if Erickson was really an ear for Kai? Will Erickson immediately try to contact him and inform him about Szar? Don’t make it too obvious, but that would certainly be a good twist to throw in. Just setting that out as an example.
Also, I’m having a bit of a hard time figuring your character out, is he a bad guy, or a good guy, or neutral? I’m so used to changelings being the bad guys; what direction are you trying to take him in?
In conclusion, work on your subplots and watch your word usage. Try a thesaurus to spice up some of the more plain words.
Vi's C&C Thread - Szar - 04-21-2009
It's funny that you mention that, because I have several twists already lined up for future posts. You're right, though, normally I do better on description and word usage, but I just kinda threw that post together. Thanks again for the critique, and I'll work harder to make my posts more interesting.
Oh, and before I forget.
![[Image: funny-cookies.jpg]](http://www.funny-potato.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/funny-cookies.jpg)
Vi's C&C Thread - Kazuya - 04-21-2009
Oh shit, pacman cookies =O
Vi's C&C Thread - Juno - 04-22-2009
Will I get a better review if I hand over the goods?
![[Image: P1010441.JPG]](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_x-JooYlANWA/SGFSzhPfhqI/AAAAAAAAB8s/tcePJ8y8An8/s400/P1010441.JPG)
Mmmmm! Look at the gooey deliciousness! =]
Vi's C&C Thread - Kazuya - 04-22-2009
Is that...is that peanut butter in the middle of those?
WEAKNESSSSSSS
Vi's C&C Thread - Kazuya - 04-28-2009
Gozen and Juno's will be up tonight. Maybe late tonight.
Vi's C&C Thread - Sigfried Hunin - 04-28-2009
![[Image: DSC02011.30281916_std.JPG]](http://sweetsistersbakerynampa.com/yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/DSC02011.30281916_std.JPG)
Vi's C&C Thread - Sigfried Hunin - 05-01-2009
So uhhh... This just get dropped? lol
Vi's C&C Thread - Alexander Trafford - 05-01-2009
shhhhh, be patient . . . she's on sabbatical
Vi's C&C Thread - Kazuya - 05-02-2009
I didn't forget, guys. Got some real life stuff going on right now. It's coming.