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+--- Thread: [SAGA] Calculating Catastrophe (Cont.) (/showthread.php?tid=12281)
[SAGA] Calculating Catastrophe (Cont.) - Dehan - 04-22-2008
Uno Wrote:I think he means something like Telekinesis.
Yea it's what I meant. I was having a blond moment during that post.
[SAGA] Calculating Catastrophe (Cont.) - Mal Nova - 04-22-2008
Im going a differnt route
[SAGA] Calculating Catastrophe (Cont.) - Orion - 04-22-2008
Dude ... I don't know what to rp. The people I was joining up with haven't roleplayed, and I'm not at that big eye. Should I just wait for the next update?
[SAGA] Calculating Catastrophe (Cont.) - Sage - 04-23-2008
Wait it out, make shit up. Update's close enough.
[SAGA] Calculating Catastrophe (Cont.) - Dehan - 04-23-2008
Post is up.
[SAGA] Calculating Catastrophe (Cont.) - Mal Nova - 04-24-2008
MY last post was my last post till the update. Retanes trying to use Viscerate and make the eyeball squeal, but cant concentrate due to the telepathic assaults coming on that his father is struggling to help hold off...
Retane just cant see himself being controled if he doesnt want to... its an aspect I've always rped
[SAGA] Calculating Catastrophe (Cont.) - Kaden - 04-24-2008
Wooooo... Last post before the update.
I would really, really really, really appreciate some C&C on it, too.
And, for the record, I think that's a personal record for number of "really" in a sentence.
[SAGA] Calculating Catastrophe (Cont.) - Kaden - 04-24-2008
plz?
If need be, I'll C&C someone first. I'm pretty good at it, too.
[SAGA] Calculating Catastrophe (Cont.) - Celena - 04-24-2008
You do me and I'll do you, Rad.
[SAGA] Calculating Catastrophe (Cont.) - Kaden - 04-24-2008
Oooo... saucy. I'll be writing this as I read your posts, so it might be a little disjointed.
I was just going to read your most recent post, but I needed to go back two. So, I'm starting with this one. There just wasn't enough context to start anywhere else (also seems fair, since mine is kinda long).
So, we get things rolling with a pretty basic response to the storyline post. The first thing that threw me was the use of italics. I assume they're Kirano's thoughts, but this isn't actually stated anywhere. Maybe its something you do on a regular basis and that's just supposed to be known. I'm not sure. Anyway, I'd suggest establishing a typographical mechanic like that, even if you only do it the first time. Then the reader's keyed in to what that means. If it's not Kirano's thoughts... then... what is it? I was thrown off when this:
Quote:Kirano gazed at a row of empty blue seats, immediately discovering his location.Was italicized, cause that doesn't really sound like it's supposed to be a thought.
You're using punctuation somewhat inconsistently/incorrectly in this first post, too. Mostly your dashes are the culprit, though it's not just them.
Quote:Kirano shook his head – accompanied with a grin, staring at the mixture of dead bodies that decorated the surroundings of the pillar; infected zombies as well as people dressed in identical blue robes.The dash, in this case, should be a comma. When you notate a section with a dash, the sentence should either end after said notation, or the notation itself should be closed with another dash. So it would be something like "Kirano shook his head -- accompanied with a grin -- staring at..." and so on. However, like I said before, that's a situation where a comma should be used instead. Dashes are used to add additional information, or a quick aside, in a manner fairly similar to parenthesis. That's not a text-book definition, mind you, just an easy way to think about them.
There was another reason I used that above quote: the semicolon. A semicolon is used to connect to otherwise complete sentences. "infected zombies as well as people dressed in identical blue robes" isn't a complete sentence. A comma -- or maybe a colon if you really wanted to make it work -- would have been just fine.
This is kind of nit-picky stuff, but I'm saying it because I think your writing is pretty solid -- to say the least -- and that mastering the use of less-common punctuation will really help take it to the next level. I definitely don't mean to discourage you. There were a couple other punctuation things in that first post that I found awkward, but they're relatively minor. So I'll move on.
We end with Kirano being introduced to his worst fear. Fun times.
Some great development here. I can honestly say I know almost nothing about Kirano, let alone Pearl, but it came across really well. You could have easily danced around the pain and heartbreak that either of them were feeling, but you kept the pace fast enough to keep the reader's (mine, at least) interest without going so fast that it felt glossed over (ie, the reader isn't supposed to care).
A couple more punctuation things in this post, but it's just more of what I already talked about.
The only other thing I have to say is that developing the setting a bit more would have been helpful. I don't mean go crazy-overboard, but a little bit more detail about where the two were in relation to each other would have been helpful. At first I thought Kirano was standing on the stands, then I got the impression that he was hovering above the field, and then I wasn't really sure. It didn't ruin anything, but I wouldn't say that it helped, either.
And, I gotta say, I grinned a little bit when Kirano got slugged. It's impressive that he could find a way to start getting mad at her.
Third post a-go-go.
I was kind of thrown by this post. Were you trying to write it in a hurry? It doesn't the same as the other two.
Quote:It was those three words ‘Yes I will’ which were the cause of his subconscious mind.Come again?
Quote:“Take back your words.”Also sounds awkward.
“You’re death.”
The bits of action in this third post were great, though I'd be surprised if you weren't competent with combat scenes on a DBZ RPG. I like that Kirano's train of thought does a complete 180 over the course of the post.
Quote:if apologizing for no fault of his own would change her mind and allow him the opportunity to see his son in the flesh, then he would apologize a thousand more times
Quote:[I]Fuck that, why should he have to beg? I wasn’t in the wrong. [/I]Yeah, its hypocritical, but in the realistic kind of way that makes your character feel... well... realistic. It's also pretty amusing when taken out of context like that.
However, I do have a bone to pick with that second quote. The one in bold. Shifting point of view can be tricky when its done intentionally, and almost never works when its done accidentally. I'm assuming it should have read "Fuck that, why should I have to beg?" That's the kind of thing that a quick scan-before-posting can take care of.
So, all-in-all, you've put out some pretty good stuff. Like I said above, most of the things I've said are fairly nit-picky, but that's a good sign. When you have all of the core elements down (sentence structure, flow, development, dialog, etc.) all that's left is to hammer out the kinks. You have a very solid handle on your characters, know how to structure a post to keep the reader's interest, and a very accessible -- but appropriately developed -- vocabulary. Once you get a firm grasp on the smaller details, I think you'll be putting up some really, really great writing.
Anyway, I hope this was useful for you.
[SAGA] Calculating Catastrophe (Cont.) - Celena - 04-24-2008
I'll pm you my responses to some of your questions. I'll take a look at your last post. It looks pretty lengthy. Thanks for the C&C though. I definately picked up on it.
[SAGA] Calculating Catastrophe (Cont.) - Alura - 04-25-2008
Hey Rad, I'm gonna start. Bra gave the go-ahead to move it into the Spar/Fights forum
I assume 3 each will work
[SAGA] Calculating Catastrophe (Cont.) - Sage - 04-25-2008
Whoo! I guess you guys have like, until... Tuesday or Wednesday till the next update. I'll do mini updates along the way.
Raditzu/Burter, you're sort of on your own so don't worry about following the updates till after the fight.
[SAGA] Calculating Catastrophe (Cont.) - Mal Nova - 04-26-2008
Hmmm I'll do something tomorrow.... or later....
After I get back from our jobs Safety Picnic
[SAGA] Calculating Catastrophe (Cont.) - Belle Hibiki - 04-27-2008
Shit. I haven't posted in like over a week.
*sigh* I'll get on that tomorrow, inbetween writing this paper.
[SAGA] Calculating Catastrophe (Cont.) - Kaden - 04-27-2008
Kirano!
Don't think I've forgotten.
*points accusingly*
[SAGA] Calculating Catastrophe (Cont.) - Kaden - 04-27-2008
I totally just realized you killed Tyler.
>=O @ that. He was cool.
[SAGA] Calculating Catastrophe (Cont.) - Mal Nova - 04-27-2008
Im working on a post as we speak
[SAGA] Calculating Catastrophe (Cont.) - Sage - 04-28-2008
I have a bit of a question, here.
Now, I have enough time to do this saga two ways. I can keep it going till close to the start of DA, without any forseeable difficulty. I can also hop much more directly to the ending, since I'm at a jumping off point with the story anyhow.
Now, should I end it all (sounds like a suicide note, eh?) or should I keep on keepin' on?
POWER TO THE PEOPLE! Or whatever. I hate communism.
[SAGA] Calculating Catastrophe (Cont.) - Kaden - 04-28-2008
Keep on, brudda.