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+--- Thread: Yamu's Feedback Shop (/showthread.php?tid=5821)
Yamu's Feedback Shop - Ruhiel - 11-15-2005
Thanks Yamu. =) Hearing that actually makes me want to write more now.
I should've clarified that I meant just the second post. Post one was just more of a quick transition from FoF to Earth.
Yamu's Feedback Shop - Kaden - 11-16-2005
I'd like some C&C on my latest FoF post.
http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/thread.php?threadid=13926&sid=
Greatly appreciated.
^_^
Yamu's Feedback Shop - Android-18 - 11-16-2005
Oh, and meeeeee, at least the last bit...
Hahgfhsaksj
You guys will like my next post....
.
Yamu's Feedback Shop - Super Buu - 11-16-2005
Quote:With all the sincerity, purity, and artistic wordsmithing Raditzu could muster, he looked down at the petite frame of the android and said ?huh??
Best line ever.
Yamu's Feedback Shop - Yamu - 11-18-2005
Rad, 18: I have read your posts, but my hours at the base are ungodly, I'll have your C&C up tommrow and hopefully and RP of ym own.
Yamu's Feedback Shop - Yamu - 11-19-2005
Raditzu.
Man, that post read just like a chapter from a book. I loved the interwoven theam of men just not getting females. The thought process you had Rad go through was just so?true, it made the post engaging. Reading the posts, it was a great work of irony, we the reader knowing 18?s true feelings but then watching Raditzu sweat made for a professional grade post.
Your tempo is also, inspiring really. The length seems trifling as the beat kept me reading. The movement of story never seemed strained, but a natural flow of consciousness. The drum beats just bumped harder and harder until we hit the climatic meeting and the reader gets a wash of relief as the hero learns the truth we knew all along.
Your introspective eye and characterization are second to none.
There was really only one thing that was troublesome. In paragraphs near the end you would switch between the third person narrative and the first person thought process.
Quote: Rad
Ok, Raditzu started in on himself, he just needed to work his way backwards. Firstly was the whole transformation ordeal. 18 hadn?t seemed thrilled about that. He just needed to find out why. As his feet continued the long-trek up the stairs, he closed his eyes and thought. There was a bright light. Some zombies. Plenty of smashing. Rad?s brain continued to backtrack. Tearing apart the building. 18 and Bojack getting out of the way. Wait. He remembered hearing something. His subconscious had made a mental note of it, but his Oosaru-influenced instincts weren?t in the mood to worry about it. Pushing the little ?play? button in his head, Rad played back the snippet of memory.
I just felt their needed to be quotation marks or italic letters to differentiate the texts better. I know some others do this as well, but I find it hard to follow and it takes re-reading to ensure I have the story strait, when in a post this engaging hitting a speed bump like this seems like a waste.
Android 18,
Your two most recent posts just felt?right. It was just a perfect storm scenario in my mind. You have excellent word choices, nothing ever seems like it was found in a Thesaurus, but was just the perfect piece for that part of the puzzle. I applaud of your handling of mature subject matter in a suitably mature way, and for a specific purpose, not just giggles of juvenile males sniggering and pointing as they write ?penis?.
While your detail in the second posts was?vivid, the first post was loaded with emotion but little detail. I actually approved of this, as your character is currently emotionally raw and troubled and would be very introspective and not taking in the outside world as much. I like it when a writer lets me see the world through THEIR characters eyes, not just the world, and in this case by NOT seeing it we got an even better look.
I look forward to the post coitus posts to see how the event that 18 had been putting so much on has been accomplished.
I noticed you switch between 18 and Eighteen, it what appeared at random. I was thinking how interesting it would be if how other characters refer to her by which indicates familiarity and feelings. Someone such as Rad when talking to your character you have ?Eighteen? as he sees the humanity and uses it as a name. If someone, Yamu in this case, new you were and Android he would use ?18? for he would see it as a designation and you as a machine. Just a passing thought.
Awesome emotion, keep up the heart-filled work, its almost trademarked.
Shop temporarily closed for Thankgiving!
Yamu's Feedback Shop - Android-18 - 11-19-2005
Thank you, Yamu.
Yamu's Feedback Shop - Kaden - 11-19-2005
Yeah... you rock. Almost as much as me, and that's saying something.
Yamu's Feedback Shop - Rem-13 - 11-20-2005
Yamu, Space Quest. When ever you can find the time, I'd like some feedback on how I'm doing so far. Thanks.
Yamu's Feedback Shop - Yamu - 11-23-2005
I really enjoyed this quest. I think what stood out most in my mind was your handle on your character; you seem to really look at life through Garlic Jr.?s eyes. I think your grasp on his height and the complexes born from it are magnificent. The whole ?floating to keep them from looking down on him? was a lovely touch.
You ?Triple x small? line made me laugh so hard I had to tell it to my little brother.
You have some amazing imagery that walks hand in hand with a witty sense of humor. You have just some great lines in there, especially the one delaying with shit and diamonds. Your metaphors and similes are also impressive and fluid, they don?t seem strained to ?add flavor? but are meant to be there.
The conversations you write between characters is also extremely well crafted and some of the best I have read.
Now for the problems. Nothing drastically wrong technically, a few minor errors, but that is to be expected.
When Tizoc was in the ship, the dialogue became hard to interpret as other people?s talking and his reaction were put together:
?oh, come off of it! I can't believe your taking his side!?
Tizoc calmed the panic filling his chest again. He took one deep breath, and he would risk, and waited quietly.
?Lis'in,? Tizoc froze. ?You lis'in ta me! Good provolone is impossible ter hate!? He sighed faintly. Just their silly argument. Nothing to worry about.
They just came off awkward.
Also, there was some spots of awkward vocabulary. While it is nice to through in more complex and flowery words, sometimes you can get to big. ?Insouciant? and ?aporetic? I would both stay away form in the future. You want your reader to know what you are writing, and I am a relatively well educated individual and I no freaking clue. So, try and keep in it the ?Dollar-word? range and stay away from those C-notes.
In short, your high points are when your characters are conversing, your posts are a great read, if anything increase your dialogue because that was where you truly shined.
Sorry for the delay, been working on a post of my own and had some work related issues.
Yamu's Feedback Shop - Rem-13 - 11-23-2005
No problem at all on the wait, you said the shop was closed, I just missed it. So sorry for asking and thank very much for the feedback. I will try and use mroe natural vocab and try to keep the akward transitions between dialouge and action from happening again. Merci boucoup, Yamu.
Yamu's Feedback Shop - Yamu - 07-07-2008
In MY day we didn't have this fancy 'C&C' you kids use...we called it 'Feedback', and we had to walk five miles in the snow to get it, and we LIKED it!
I'm opening up the Feedback shop again! Post here and I'll give ya some of the good stuff, please follow just a couple ground rules so I don't get overwhelmed.
Please post a link to the thread you want C&C on so I don’t have to dig, and please keep it to about six or seven posts or about seven to eight thousand words depending on how much you post. If it is part of a bigger story just give me the numbers of the posts (they are in the upper right corner of each post).Also, if there are already two people I haven’t replied to let me get to them first then post your link. If you also have anything specific you want me to focus on just say so and I’ll pay extra attention to it.
Yamu's Feedback Shop - Juno - 07-07-2008
http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24203
That's my Treasure Hunt thread, the Odyssey. Now, all I really need feedback on is Chapter 1 (posts #1-#6) but if you'd like to read what I have in Chapter 2, that'd be cool, too. My main concern is that my portrayal of Zangya has become... monotonous, and just uninteresting, because it feels that way to me. I'd like some advice on how to maybe... "spice up" her personality more, and make it make sense when I do that, if you could help me on that.
Yamu's Feedback Shop - Yamu - 07-07-2008
Zangya:
I stopped at the end of Chapter One like you said since Chapter Two obviously started a whole new story. My critique is kind of long, but it is over several very specific things not your posts in general.
First, I like how you incorporated DA into your own story. Especially that you took the reward and DID something with it. A lot of people gather up major techniques and don’t go through the time to write their character training and honing it. You take something most would consider more minor than a tech, just a ship, and mesh it into the legend of Zangya.
Secondly, you’ve got mechanics down. You had some odd punctuation at parts but nothing definitly wrong or off putting. Your grammar is solid and I found no spelling problems or word usage mixed up so great kudos.
There is a reason you went pretty far in DA, a better strategic game and you would have won a technique and not an item. The critiques below are not big no nos, just ways for you to streamline and optimize your already above average writing.
Now for the bad stuff:
-Don’t feel you have to explain everything. If your focus is on the ship you don’t have to shove the back story of you talking to your father right in the middle. It is just interrupts the focus of your post, Zangya finally getting a ship. If you want to get back to something like that later feel free, but don’t force something. If it feels forced writing it reads even more so.
-When you have characters engaged in a dialogue it is easier to follow when you put individuals characters actions and speech in the same paragraphs. So instead of:
Quote: “That’s… that’s amazing,” Zangya mused. He shrugged.
“Not really. You know how I’ve always been able to pick up this stuff,” he bragged, and Zangya nodded. But still—for being a sixteen year old boy, he was pretty smart.
Fits a lot better as:
Quote:“That’s… that’s amazing,” Zangya mused.
“Not really. You know how I’ve always been able to pick up this stuff,” he shrugged.
Zangya nodded. Still, for being a sixteen year old boy, he was pretty smart.
It is something pretty minor I only bring it up because you have a habit of writing it that way, ending a paragraph with another character doing an action then starting another paragraph where they talk.
-Work a little on your dialogue. Some of it really felt over the top.
Quote: she has marred my visage, punished me with the promise of ridicule for the rest of my life; please, do not add to her punishment.”
While this can work well in writing it feels very strained when a character speaks it unless they are your own character or an NPC who you have groomed to speak flowery. Very often words you use to describe something do not work near as well when a character actually says them. The easiest way to do this is just say it out loud and hear how it sounds. Sometimes you have to go with something less dramatic to make it more natural, but it is a GOOD tradeoff. That said, Zangya’s dialogue is ALWAYS spot on but some of the other characters feel strained to fit a role.
-I like that you theme the bad guys with musical names, lovely touch, and especially good for a DBZ game since the show was famous for name puns.
-Ok, unless you have set up a narrator for a thread don’t do this:
Quote: The Aders and the Tsufus, on the other hand, were raised quite differently; now, now, I know what you’re thinking. Zangya seems pretty Saiya-jin like, then, because she let some guy get her pregnant on a random drunk meeting. You do have to think about the fact, however, that her teenage years took place on Vegeta, around Saiyans.
It completely ruins the continuity to your writing, and feels strained addressing the reader directly all of a sudden. It can be a good change of pace if you couch your thread into a frame structure where you have a narrator telling grandkids or a fireside story and throw stuff like this in, but otherwise, don’t feel the need to explain yourself.
Now to your question. I understand what you mean that Zangya feels used up. The reason I think you feel boxed in is that you keep relying on the same situations for you drama. If you want to change up Zangya change her motivation.
Have a Yggdrasil captain come up to Zangya and request her help, something only a Z-fighter could do and not a Ki Rifle It is such a big part of your story that it would be foolish to drop the mercenaries BUT, by changing the dynamic it gives you new avenues to explore. Working with the enemy, fighting a greater fight, just end her being hunted. Even just having them re-hire Zangya as a body guard and dedicate a story to you hunting down other PC on your ship and challenging them to spars could give Zangya new life.
Your character has always been a middle of the road, looking out for herself and not much else. Push yourself in one direction or the other. Maybe instead of Yggdrasil mending fences with Zangya they finally execute your brother and father and you go on a killing spree that unlocks an unknown blood lust. Or, having her baby softens her and she decides to settle on Namek so he has somewhere safe unlike her own past on Vegita. She trains with Guru and becomes a more philosophical warrior-monk then space pirate.
A good thing to do when you finish this quest would be to sit down and train for Spiritken moving Zangya to either a more good or more evil state. Then you could spend the next few months writing getting yourself back to your center if you do not like it, or keeping the new you, or going in the exact opposit direction just to see how it feels. Spiritken would allow you to go either way. Evil: She finds a deep rage inside herself at her mother’s death and her father’s hands in it giving her a bright green aura, red flashing eyes, protruding fangs like a snake, and wicked six inch claws that she uses to excise her rage on her enemies. Alternately, Good: Zangya through Spiritken finds a calm center where the trouble of the universe only washes over her. As the green aura encircles her body faint green wings grow like a butterfly from her shoulders, she now fights with a cool logic that sees through deceit and falsehood and refuses to give in to the basic urges of her former self.
I hope this helps you out and I’m REALLY sorry it is so long…I like storying and helping others with it a lot.
Edit: I really did not mean for this to be 1,200 words. I'm really hurting my credibility that I can do one line replys, huh Zangya?
Yamu's Feedback Shop - Tamsin - 07-07-2008
Since you provide such detailed feedback, I would be grateful if you reviewed my roleplay in Origins of Burter.
Yamu's Feedback Shop - Kaden - 07-07-2008
If you're offering, it'd be stupid not to take you up on it, right?
http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24143
Yamu's Feedback Shop - Yamu - 07-07-2008
Amadeus:
Sadly this won’t be as detailed as Zangya’s since I have less to go on, but I’m here to please!
First, your dialogue is great. Amadeus as well as the NPCs feel real in the way they talk, it all seems like natural interaction.
There was only one minor glitch in your grammar and that was:
Quote: "What are you smiling at?! You think this is funny?!" spoke the older Saiyan. The two had stopped arguing and had turned their attention back at the human. Turning his evil expression into a polite smile, he made a move with his hands that looked like a talking gesture: "Gentleman, I would be glad to cooperate with you..."
The soldiers did not realize that the move was not what it appeared to be. Focusing their attention on the white-haired warrior, they did not notice as the soil behind them rippled on five spots.
I would not have even mentioned it except with your style it was very obviously intentional. Remember you always start a new paragraph when a new person begins to speak. Sometimes it ruins the image you want but some things have to be done.
Other then that hiccup you have no problems functionally. In fact you’ve progressed into an advanced writing style that is uniquely you. You spin amazing settings and use advanced grammar and punctuation to let the reader know exactly what you want to convey You are an excellent writer who can keep a post on a single track which is necessary for an RPG. After you have posted two or three times in the group hit me because I want to see how you involve your character with other PCs.
Any advice or critique is esoteric and debatable in nature but I think it is something you should hear…read.
-First: You have a created a unique character that can go either very good in setting you apart or ruin you as being too ‘out there’. The fact that every other character works through martial training to hone their ki and you have an alternate source of power Amadeus feels at times like a man apart from the rest of the RPG. There might be instances where Amadeus feels like he should belong on a different RPG. To counter this I would focus more on the attacks he has learned from Jackie Chun and keep the more mystic elements for story purposes and not necessarily for attacks, especially in spars or fights with other PCs.
-Second. This is more of a personal irk then a hard and fast rule but I will say it anyway. You have a personal style which is very good to have, when someone can recognize you by your writing you’ve done something extraordinary. Keep your focus though, your amazing descriptions of landing on a wasteland draw the reader into the world you want them to see, going into minute detail on what the dirt looks like as the ship lands can feel like imagery for imagery’s sake. If you keep lengthy descriptions honed to important or more worthwhile features the reader will let you get away with more and longer when those times come.
I’m really looking forward to writing with you in Origins and getting to know your character better off of more then one post.
Raditzu:
Quote:If you're offering, it'd be stupid not to take you up on it, right?
Lol, only if you value the opinion you’re getting.
You really don’t need advice, but I’ll tell you what I like and ways you might improve upon your character.
-First off, the thing that is most striking and likable about your writing is how you mix the mundane with the fantastic, the ordinary with the meaningful. You are not completely wrapped up in the machismo of writing a hero, or even a villain, but in just telling the story. You convey Raditzu’s elation and pride in the accomplishments of DA while simultaneously joking about killing a rabbit, it makes for an excellent and highly enjoyable read.
-Secondly: It isn’t just your writing style but the fact that you make Rad and Eighteen seem like real people, she does a fantastic job as well. You use dialogue liberally which is very good because you focus on advancing the post through character words and actions not just narrative.
-Your posts and 18’s posts flow together almost seamlessly. You have each other’s characters down and each and every post advances the story along.
-You had some minor flubs with commas and splitting up sentences that would go better together.
Quote: The saiyan really had to hand it to Eighteen. She knew how to keep people comfortable. The saiyan's quarters were well lit, had all the appropriate furnishings, and was complimented by an adjoining full bathroom.
Quote:The saiyan really had to hand it to Eighteen; she really knew how to keep people comfortable.
More stylistic choice then grammatically off, it just flows better when adjoined thoughts aren’t broken up into separate sentences.
While you are just now reuniting with Eighteen and are going to RP honing your techniques I would suggest get you and your character out of your comfort zone after that.
You have built your character up on hundreds of RPs to the point that I don’t think anyone on Chubbs could not write a meeting with Raditzu. You have developed into a state of near reality and this is an astounding achievement but it almost feels like your character’s growth has become stunted. Write something new, instead of Raditzu learning another technique he has to sensei some new fighter he has no previous connection with. Force your character into more difficult situations that despite his near limitless power cannot face alone. Maybe play off that power more, force Raditzu to act as a conduit between Heaven and Hell as he is the only one strong enough to withstand the pressure. These are all merely suggestions, you have mastered what it is to RP and mastered Raditzu, the only avenues left are ones you might not even WANT to write but will expand you beyond the good natured, arrogant, powerhouse.
Yamu's Feedback Shop - Kaden - 07-07-2008
I definitely appreciate the suggestions. Believe it or not, I hadn't ever really considered writing a story with Rad's strength as the focus, as opposed to Rad himself. Also wanted to mention that Rad isn't actually seeking out training. I haven't gotten into it, but if you're interested, it should be kind of a new thing for Rad.
Mostly wanted to say thanks and that if I can ever reciprocate, let me know.
Yamu's Feedback Shop - Yamu - 07-07-2008
Would that be in your 'Strength of Two' thread? I'll definitly check it out. Reciprocation never goes unthanked, that's for sure.
http://cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24295
Yamu's Feedback Shop - Kaden - 07-08-2008
Yeah, it'll be in the "Strength of Two" thread.
Working on your feedback right now.