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+--- Forum: Dante's Abyss 2007 (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=195)
+---- Forum: DA Junkyard (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=251)
+---- Thread: See ehn See (/showthread.php?tid=39216)
See ehn See - Old Zangya - 05-25-2007
Quote:Originally posted by Super BuuEDIT: Nvm.
Day One: Morning C&C?
See ehn See - Super Buu - 05-25-2007
Quote:Originally posted by ZangyaIf you already wrote something, feel free. I'm not gonna turn down bonus feedback
Quote:Originally posted by Super BuuEDIT: Nvm.
Day One: Morning C&C?
See ehn See - Bra - 05-25-2007
Eh heh, sorry Zangya.
Anyhoo, Super Buu.
It was short, but it was hilarious. I love SB's reaction to the danger zones announcement.
You're able to flow from humor to a serious topic with little - if any - hiccups along the way, which is a fantastic ability for a writer to have. And just when I figured you were gonna end after dropping the heavy, SB had to ring the bell and scurry off like a child. Awesome, dude. I hope you make it far.
Day One: Morning C&C Plzthx
See ehn See - Old Zangya - 05-25-2007
Quote:Originally posted by Super BuuIt's the one about you looking over Paige's body, right? Well, that was well done. I, personally, prefer medium length posts over shorter or longer posts, but considering you're probably trying to appeal to Burter, I could live with it. It seemed to delve into both sides of Super Buu's personality, and I believe that delving into one in particular, fleshing it out, and then using it wisely, it could turn into a real evil character, or a real good character. Also, love the humor.
Quote:Originally posted by ZangyaIf you already wrote something, feel free. I'm not gonna turn down bonus feedback
Quote:Originally posted by Super BuuEDIT: Nvm.
Day One: Morning C&C?
And I got Bra.
See ehn See - Old Zangya - 05-25-2007
@Bra
Hilarious. The second part of it was absolutely wonderful, and Bra's voodoo antics really lightened up the mood from the first half of the post. Everything seemed to flow well since you had both drama and comedy in it -- I felt like it was complete. Seemed to me like it was a bit long for Burter's standards, but the information inside it made up for it. I'd say, though, if you want to try doing something like that again in DA, I'd split it into two posts: the comedic one and the dramatic one. Although the two masks of theatre socialize occasionally, they generally work better apart.
Oh, I love metaphors. Day One: Morning
Someone do me. Please.
See ehn See - Bujin - 05-25-2007
@ Zangya
Good for you, still plowing forth even though half your freakin' face got blown off. It was a pretty simple post, basically explaining how super-pissed Zangya was, but your descriptions were adequate and it flowed pretty well. I'm generally not a fan of flashbacks, and having not read a lot of your stuff, it didn't mean a whole lot. However, it wasn't too random and it fit with the rest of the post. So...well done.
Mine: Link
See ehn See - Jinpo - 05-25-2007
Zangya: Your post with the flashback was pretty good. I liked the language used and the background information to Zangya's anger. However, I feel the non-flashback piece of the post is a little short.
Here's my post that I want C&C on: Day One: Morning
See ehn See - Retane - 05-25-2007
CArgo your post was, well decnt. It fit I guess, but needed a little more spice. No clue what he would need Hot Water for though.
See ehn See - Bujin - 05-25-2007
Quote:Originally posted by Bujin
@ Zangya
Good for you, still plowing forth even though half your freakin' face got blown off. It was a pretty simple post, basically explaining how super-pissed Zangya was, but your descriptions were adequate and it flowed pretty well. I'm generally not a fan of flashbacks, and having not read a lot of your stuff, it didn't mean a whole lot. However, it wasn't too random and it fit with the rest of the post. So...well done.
Mine: Link
Don't skip mine.
See ehn See - Retane - 05-25-2007
I didn't it's why I didn't put a link up so someone could do you.
Edit: I read it. It was pretty good. I liked your initial post better. Makes me want to know whats happening next at least.
See ehn See - Jinpo - 05-25-2007
Quote:Originally posted by Retane
CArgo your post was, well decnt. It fit I guess, but needed a little more spice. No clue what he would need Hot Water for though.
You'll see.
See ehn See - Retane - 05-25-2007
Hope so
See ehn See - Nori - 05-25-2007
Quote:Originally posted by Bujin
Quote:Originally posted by Bujin
@ Zangya
Good for you, still plowing forth even though half your freakin' face got blown off. It was a pretty simple post, basically explaining how super-pissed Zangya was, but your descriptions were adequate and it flowed pretty well. I'm generally not a fan of flashbacks, and having not read a lot of your stuff, it didn't mean a whole lot. However, it wasn't too random and it fit with the rest of the post. So...well done.
Mine: Link
Don't skip mine.
I liked your post because it fit the war like appitude that is Dante. A good visual of the surroundings, as well as a interesting conversation that went on in your head between multiple personalities. It was different, although I'v read the multiple personalities in the head before.
However there just seemed to be a little bit lacking. It was interesting, but nothing that really *consumed* me. Nothing that will make me come back for more next time you post.
No C&C for me.
See ehn See - Orion - 05-25-2007
Seeing as there's no one in the que: Link
I'll C&C the person who does me.
See ehn See - Retane - 05-25-2007
I enjoyed it. It was quite interesting and funny. Every bit of it was. It could have been longer I guess, as i think it was cut to short, but other then that, I dont know what to say.
Link:Day One: Morning
Day One: Morning
See ehn See - Jinpo - 05-25-2007
I read the second one. It was a good post, but nothing said "wow" to me. That is similar for a bunch of people, including me in DA. If you can add the "X-Factor" to your posts, you would have a good shot to win.
C&C on the first RP in the thread: Day 1: Afternoon
See ehn See - Orion - 05-25-2007
Quote:Originally posted by Retane
I enjoyed it. It was quite interesting and funny. Every bit of it was. It could have been longer I guess, as i think it was cut to short, but other then that, I dont know what to say.
Link:Day One: Morning
Day One: Morning
I read your first one.
Good description in your writing, I'm a big fan of description and your post held me just to see the words you used for detailing the situation. The only thing that annoyed me was several spots where grammar and spelling were lacking. I realise that's not important to everyone, but it kinda irks me.
See ehn See - OldPikkon - 05-25-2007
Quote:Originally posted by Cargo
I read the second one. It was a good post, but nothing said "wow" to me. That is similar for a bunch of people, including me in DA. If you can add the "X-Factor" to your posts, you would have a good shot to win.
C&C on the first RP in the thread: Day 1: Afternoon
Not the best writer here, but looking for some feedback, so Cargo I took a look at your post.
The description I thought was great, written really well. Though I got a little lost with Cargo talking to himself, lol who talks to themselves that much, obviously he does. I didn't see any real bad grammar or spelling errors and, well yea the post got me intrigued I will be sure to read your upcoming posts in DA. Well done.
If thats ok, I'd like to get feedback on my first post in Day 1: Afternoon
Thanks, im not the best writer and that's why I would like some help
See ehn See - Super Buu - 05-25-2007
First of all, I'm pretty heavy on critique so don't be offended.
A few of your sentences didn't work well. The rain 'scolding' his burns didn't make much sense - I would have put 'cooled' in there. This also sounded a bit awkward: "Soon the entire sky revealed it?s blue tinge and the sun shone brightly its rays lapping up as much of the earth as it could." Lapping up the earth doesn't make sense to me, but then I'm not the most poetic writer. >_> That said, you can use some pretty metaphors but sometimes it's like you're trying to push something beautiful when you should just be lettin' it flow. It's like giving birth.
Wait ... you're actually supposed to push when giving birth? Fuck ... some other analogy then.
I think you need to develop Pikkon's character, or at least show it more, and for that you need company. My advice is to take a risk and find a group of people who'll take you in. Dialogue lets your character come out, and it's difficult to do that with no others to interact with. =P
Mai First RP. Probably better than yesterday's.
See ehn See - Orion - 05-25-2007
Very good. You show Buu's character without hinderance; from that limited sample I can tell that Buu is frustrated easily and has a sense of simple joy. His happiness over the sword and his unique decision to forge a bell were entertaining. Not much I can say wrong about it. He swears a fair bit, but I'm sure that's just part of his character.
Just keep up what you're doing, keep your hooks going (bring bring) and I'll keep enjoying your writing.
Link.