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+--- Thread: [C&C] Leaders and Followers (/showthread.php?tid=11756)
[C&C] Leaders and Followers - James - 08-21-2007
I've been wanting to do something new with Goten for a while now so I've tried writing with him in a different style then what I have been. Was curious as to how everyone thinks about this (not to mention a little helpful tips and advice on my writing). Thanks much.
http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?p=436551#post436551
[C&C] Leaders and Followers - Rem-13 - 08-21-2007
Goten's change is alright. I don't feel strongly either way. Once you break his new style in it will be both more apparent and natural and maybe I can stand on one side or the other more firmly. Just try not to slide into his old style, you gotta be vigilant or he'll get away from you.
The writing itself is kind of thick and unwieldy. I don't know if I like your use of 'contested/ing' but that may well be personal. Mostly it has the feeling of picking up a thesaurus and thowing darts at synonyms, if you get my meaning. Its structure is fine but word choice doesn't feel natural. I'm repeatedly guilty of it myself, too many ten dollar words when lesser one give a better punch. Like I said, I do it too often for my liking, but knowing it and keeping it in mind as I proofread helps me pick were the flashier words work and don't. Its mostly at the start with yours. It becomes much easier to read, and more enjoyable towards the end.
That aside it seems a good start. Your choice of setting is distinctive and improves the atmosphere, Goten's inner struggle moves hand and hand with the physical, and I liked reading that. I will follow this story =D.
[C&C] Leaders and Followers - James - 08-21-2007
Hoping to show more significant changes in his personality as he progresses in the story, I've never had a chance to do this with a long time character so its all new grounds I'm threading.
I see what you mean with the improper usage of a thesaurus. Personally I tend to try too hard when I'm writing to simply 'let it flow' which results in hesitations in using certain words opposed leaving them as is. I'll give it a shot with the next post I make for the story to see if I can't break the habit. Thanks for the critique!