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+--- Thread: [C&C] Baby Steps (/showthread.php?tid=11759)
[C&C] Baby Steps - Wild Tiger - 08-23-2007
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I'm on vacation and I can't really put alot into this thread right now, but I'd like some comments & criticism on what I've got up there. Personally, I think it needs a lot of work. I haven't roleplayed in such a demanding (and intellectually healthy) game, in a very long time .. and it shows. The events are rather short and lacking substance.
In a nutshell, this thread is dedicated to my character learning the abilities that come natural to most, albeit by different means (see Character Vault) .. like flight, for example. But I'm moving too quickly. Any comments, criticism, writing advice and/or techniques would be really appreciated.
~WT
[C&C] Baby Steps - Rem-13 - 08-25-2007
Very, very good. You have a nice, gentle flow to your writing. I can't find much compliant about what you have done, only in what you haven't. Like you said about moving quickly, the flight just happened. I kinda felt, being one of the staples of the DBZ mythos, that there was much more you could have done with it. Even if you didn't want it to be a focusing factor, there could have been a breif subplot.
When you wright what is happening it is well written, but flat. Perhaps it is simply because it is the start, but allot of it lacks depth and motivation. The tastey bits are like flashes in the dark, there is no lingering to illuminate the path you are taking. Okay, no stupid metaphor. Simply, even if you kept the same pace and didn't slow down, you could do with a bit more substance, a word here or a line there on setting and description.
This is where you are introducing Tiger, and we have a nice view of his mind, but what of everything else? There was little description of him, and though we have character vaults for a minor visual bits there are more to it than that. Mannerisms, reactions, a situational changes. You aren't yet fleshing that out, besides a line on his drenched loincloth, which is the first I heard of his dress at all. Its early, I know, but this is all I have to go on.
You have ample talent, and have plainly been doing this kind of thing before this site, so I hope to see you come out swinging. It was an enjoyable read.
[C&C] Baby Steps - Wild Tiger - 08-26-2007
Thanks .. once-GJ, now Tien. I really appreciate that someone actually took the time (although I don't have much up to read) to go over my writing and give me some advice and constructive criticism. Not to mention -good- advice.
Thanks for that. I'll apply more detail and substance to my character and writing, stretch them out a bit, etc etc.