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+--- Thread: [C&C] Mirabelle Calliope (/showthread.php?tid=14526)
[C&C] Mirabelle Calliope - Sullivan - 08-16-2009
So, I'm a tad late on the uptake here, and it's been awhile since I've actively written Dimitri, but I'm back and I'd like some feedback. This is mostly a request for feedback about Dimitri as a character, though, I'm going to supply some individual threads for referencing and for those who would rather C&C threads.
http://cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25454 = Falling From the Tree (Dimitri's intro)
http://cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24975 = Serendipity (Also contains Sophia, Marius, and Kaden)
And here's my most recent work, to reintroduce Dimitri to the activity of Chubbs:
http://cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26403 = Hunter's Quarry
[C&C] Mirabelle Calliope - Cain - 08-19-2009
Hunter's Quarry. . . It's a little strange. I'd rather see more usable attacks from Demitri as a fighter. It's rather short at this point. The main idea is to try to convert you to writing your TKD into roleplays here, because stuff like that seems to be a pleasure to read for more than just myself.
Demitri seems vaguely animalistic and primitive in his dialogue, which is mildly disturbing given the context of the situation. Trevor is like a creepy butler with hardcore knife throwing abilities, if not much stronger than that. I'll read more if you post.
[C&C] Mirabelle Calliope - Orion - 09-18-2009
I'll just state before I begin that for the most part, I'm not interested in criticising grammar and punctuation; that can be learned. If you want a language lesson, I can add it, but I don't think you suffer enough from that to include it in my analysis.
OK, in Falling from the Tree, I've only read the first three paragraphs, and I'm already sick of you referring to your character as 'Mr. Carthage.' Try to vary how you mention Dimitri.
... Even though I've read to the end for the first paragraph and found out it's not your character. But still. Watch your repetition of words and/or phrases.
There are some times where the flow of your writing is broken. For example;
Quote:Unhindering to Dimitri's relentless optimism was the landscape his feet traipsed over. Vegeta's barren ground was like a bastard child of Mordor and the uglier, rocky regions of a desert, if you could take those two things and drown them in a murky looking atmosphere, hold a handful of obscenely bloody wars across its expansive lands, then soar over the sky and empty a sack full of despair over the entire planet. Multiply that severity by about fifteen, and you have Vegeta.
When writing in third person, don't refer to the reader. Where you've written 'you', you can replace that with other words and get the same effect. Take the last sentence; change "and you have Vegeta." to "and that was Vegeta." still has the same meaning intact while staying from breaking the forth wall.
You go a bit overboard with some descriptions which also distracts me as I read.
Quote:The pitter-patter of footsteps all around them as they walked down the sidewalk made Dimitri jumpier than a rattle-snake in a barrel full of wasps while Clint Eastwood takes pot-shots at it.
I appreciate what you're trying to do, but sometimes you need to tone it down. Go for something simpler and less obtuse.
Your use of vocabulary is great. As I read it, I find myself thinking that my own variations aren't quite as fresh as yours.
Anyway.
Dimitri's primitive. He acts only in regard to himself and dons the excitability and obliviousness of a child. That is probably due to his unfair imprisonment by his father, who seems rather eager to chain Dimi or kill him. Is there something else about Dimi that we don't know about yet? Or is his father just a cold blooded jerk? If you haven't already thought about it, that's great roleplaying potential right there.
I must admit I chuckled when Dimitri actually cheered that the woman was dying in Hunter's Quarry. Although you'd already eluded to his infantile personality, it really hit home that Dimi was simple minded and perhaps what a saiyan child would be like. Though you've not written about why this woman was their target. From the end of the post, it seems like a hit, but you don't describe if it's just a detached mercenary job or if there's something more to it.
It was a change of heart when Dimi didn't shoot his sister, especially because of the savageness he employed when dealing with the saiyan hobos.
All in all, I think that Dimitri could be a rather fun and even ludicrous character to read about. A saiyan Neanderthal with no real world experience being hunted by his father. I was disappointed that there are so many questions that you've left unanswered, but then that's hardly a failing, is it?