+- CDBZ Archive (http://alex.zulenka.com)
+-- Forum: Sagas (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=275)
+--- Forum: Dante's Abyss 2006 (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=184)
+---- Forum: Dante's Abyss Discussion (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=234)
+---- Thread: =\ Please? With sprinkles on top? (/showthread.php?tid=31769)
=\ Please? With sprinkles on top? - Violet - 05-20-2006
I would like some outside feedback for mine, SB's and KB's thing we got going in DA. Here are the links, in order of the story.
KB- Post One
Violet- Post two
SB- Post three
Violet- post four
SB-Post Five
KB-Post Six
Violet- Post Seven
KB- Post Eight
Violet- Post Nine
Its not really as long as it looks, but some feedback on that small storyline would be appreciated. Please and Thank you!
=\ Please? With sprinkles on top? - Violet - 05-22-2006
Well, I guess that request was a little scary...
But anways, if I can please get some comments on this, I will really appreciate it. I could use a boost of confidence to know I am going in the right direction with my writing. I really could use it. Other than the request above, it is my first real attempt at humor, and Panbuukin let me do his first Oozaru transformation for him. I just used the information he gave me on his character's behaviors and applied it. I hope someone can at least take a look at it. I don't expect a great detailed synopses, just a few thoughts or something.
Thanks!
=\ Please? With sprinkles on top? - Piccolo Daimoun - 05-22-2006
Okay, I laughed like crazy when I read the Oozaru-Konat part.
Nothing like a mistake jumped out at me, and I don't read your stuff often, so I was hit with all the improvements you've made since the last time I really went through one of your RP's. You use description, but not too much to be boring, but enough to paint a picture.
You did good with the comedy.
Anywho, right on...Or something...Write on? >.<
=\ Please? With sprinkles on top? - Violet - 05-22-2006
Thank you, Mino and PD! I really do appreciate the feedback. Me, PBK and 13 brainstormed this post in chat, and when I mentioned that part about him doing the konat, it just seemed to fit right in with something he would do. ^_^
Thanks again!
=\ Please? With sprinkles on top? - Yamu - 05-23-2006
I'll be honest with you because I like you, *wink*
(I went with the easy one...sue me...)
I've been following your work relativly heavily since we met in the Tourny and you have tremendous skill but your writing feels forced alot of the time.
You have something but it seems like you ar emore concerend with squeezing a specific line you had thought about that afternoon then write what would flow naturally in the course.
A prime expample to me from the past was:
Quote: Violet in 'Trouble in the Restaraunt':
?You came in here on the intent of doing harm, didn?t you, you naughty boy??
The line just bothered me...what badass says that?
"Thought you'd cause some trouble, didn't you you naughty little boy?"
or
"Thought you were all big in bad coming in here, didn't ya? Now who's bad?"
I think the word 'intent' just killed the mojo to me.
It helps for me to just go through a conversation in my head and go "Would I REALLY say that? Would Yamu? Then go form there.
Another thing, a problem I used to have too, is sharing the spotlight. When we write we always want our own charachter to be the big dog and everyone else play our supporting cast, but sometimes it is just not logical. If Violet had a broken ankle and since 13 is already alot faster then anyone else in the party, it would probably be HIM that knocked the other out of the way...it just feels wierd for a gimp Vi to be 'shielding' Android 13.
As per your question...the humor fell kinda flat to me. Alot of other people would probably get a kick out of BukieBear raping Min...but I dunno again it seemed more like a forced attempt then what had come to mind naturally.
I know i'm being hard...but its only because I know you can take it and you know you're a great writer and someone of your caliber needs ot hear it tough!
=\ Please? With sprinkles on top? - Super Buu - 05-23-2006
The first post I did on that list (this one) is my favourite for C&Cing. Confirming my want for it =O