+- CDBZ Archive (http://alex.zulenka.com)
+-- Forum: Administrative Forums (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=7)
+--- Forum: Joining Board (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=159)
+---- Forum: Roleplaying School (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=204)
+---- Thread: my rp (/showthread.php?tid=34439)
my rp - Burter Jr - 09-03-2006
Alright, I want you to go look at the in character boards. Try Namek-Sei and look at the thread 'Doin Stuff. Exciting Stuff.' You'll see some roleplays by myself and my friends. Compare them to your roleplay. Do you see how different they are when you read them?
my rp - Bardock - 09-06-2006
Quote:If you are going to be on this board, you are going to have to learn one very important thing: patience. People have what is commonly referred to as lives, and do not update the board on an hourly basis. It is generally considered common courtesy (and in fact is a rule) to not bump a thread every two hours, but in fact 72 hours, or the equivalent of three days.
Since you are attempting to join, at least try to contain your impatience and wait to bump a thread every 24 hours.
Sorry that you have been waiting a few days without response. I will take care of you.
Now, take a look at your join post.
Quote:Originally written by NokuThe first thing that's wrong with it is that it is only 141 words, when the minimum requirement for a join post (or any roleplay for that matter) is 300 words. You need to make this twice as long. I strongly suggest you type this up in Microsoft Word so it can help you with basic errors. If you do not have Microsoft Word, Spellchecker.net will help you out.
In the year 2022 a hero named Noku battled an army called the k2y.Babe the clone of Baby was the leader of the k2y.Three years ago Noku and Babe battled in a mind blowing skull chrushing battle.By the end of the battle both of them were beat'n black and blue.Noku said to Babe "I will spair you this time but the next time we meet I will not show any mercey."Three years later they meet once more.Noku said to Babe "Ready to die punk?!"Babe anwsered "Not today you dirty little brat!"They battled harder then they ever had before.Noku attacked the same time Babe attacked.Both of them hit each other but only one was left standing.It was Noku and he swore on his life he would protect Earth with his life.An thats just what he did and still is to this day.
Now, I'm going to revise your short join post and put in bold what is wrong with it, and then explain the difference.
Quote:Revised by BardockNow, a big problem is you have your whole roleplay lumped into a single paragraph, when there is dialogue in there and it spans over a period of time. Not to mention you never put a space after a single period. This hurts the eyes and makes it difficult to read.
In the year 2022 a hero named Noku battled a army called the K2Y. Babe, the clone of Baby, was the leader of the K2Y.
Three years ago, Noku and Babe battled in a mind blowing skull crushing battle. By the end of the battle both of them were beaten black and blue.
Noku said to Babe, ?I will spare you this time but the next time we meet I will not show any mercy.?
Three years later they met once more.
Noku said to Babe, ?Ready to die punk?!?
Babe answered, ?Not today you dirty little brat!"
They battled harder than they ever had before. Noku attacked the same time Babe attacked. Both of them hit each other but only one was left standing. It was Noku, and he swore on his life he would protect Earth with his life. And that?s just what he did and still does to this day.
- When you begin new dialogue (people speaking) or there is a new subject (meaning you're talking about something else now), start a new paragraph.
- While writing dialogue, make sure to put a comma before any quotation marks.
- Something to keep in mind is you don't have to use specifics, like the year. Instead of building the story up, it just brings it down.
- K2Y should be capitalized, because it is the name of the group. I noticed it was 'Y2K' backwards. Pretty clever.
To sum up the entire roleplay by Chubbs standards, it was boring and flat. It basically went: this is Noku. Noku and Babe fight. Noku kills Babe. Noku defends the Earth. I could spout off those four sentences and get the same effect as your sample. You need more build-up, more detail, and more insight to the characters. You have to explain a heck of a lot more!
For example, several questions come to mind that are left unanswered: Where did the K2Y army come from? For that matter, where did Babe come from? Why was Baby cloned? Who cloned him? How did Noku become involved in the war? How did he end up in a fight with Babe? And here is the biggest question of all: why did Noku spare Babe once, only to kill him in their second meeting? Babe represented the biggest threat, and when he goes, so does his K2Y army. Logically, Noku should have taken him out the first time to get rid of the army instead of letting the Earth suffer for three more years. You need a pretty damn good reason, and hopefully it's better than the whole "I have hero moral fiber and can't kill you before I give you a second chance" reason. Don't use that reason.
Now, here are your instructions, so pay attention: You are to rewrite your original roleplay, and it must adhere to the following criteria:
- It must be 300 words
- It must answer every single question I asked in the above paragraph without posing the actual question (asking the actual question in a roleplay and then answering it)
- Be typed in Microsoft Word or Spellchecker.net
Understand?