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+---- Thread: I was told to come here (/showthread.php?tid=34692)
I was told to come here - Bardock - 09-14-2006
I'm Bardock, I'll be your mentor. Since we take pride in our roleplaying here, I expect you to pay close attention and to learn from what I am teaching.
While your roleplay is technically 300 words, its structure is horrible. Albeit that you separate your dialogue, it is still squished together. Have another line between each sentence, like so:
Quote:ExampleSee how there's a space inbetween each new sentence? Also do this when you change paragraphs. It will make your roleplays look much cleaner.
"I don't know, who are you?"
"I am the martial arts master KameSennin also known as the Turtle Hermit!"
"Hello, I have no clue who I am and where I came from but would you keep me as your student?"
KameSennin laughed, "Are you crazy? I only train the best of the best! I trained Goku!"
Now, I'm going to go through your roleplay and fix each mistake, and change things around a bit to make them flow a little better. I'll do this step-by-step, so you can comprehensively see the changes I make. Each correction is in bold. A total comparison is down at the bottom.
Quote:Revised by BardockI replaced the word "he" with "the large stranger," because you always want to start off giving your reader some idea of who they're supposed to be imagining, instead of just a vague pronoun. I changed the exclamation point to a question mark, seeing as how it was a question being asked. "Pitter-patter" has a hyphen in it. Once more, I replaced "he" with something more description, this time giving the reader the picture of someone who is purple. I avoided using 'changeling,' because I assume Coola doesn't know he is a changeling, and it provides more mystery. The next thing of note is that "Kame-sennin" means "turtle hermit" in Japanese, so calling him both Kame-sennin and turtle hermit in the same sentence when they mean the same thing is very redundant. Instead, I refer to him as Roshi.
Rain poured down all around the large stranger. ?Hello! Is anyone here??
All that was replied was the pitter-patter of rain against the cement. He tried standing up and found out he was as weak as a newborn baby. He walked north gently trudging along. After an hour of walking he fell down and collapsed.
Many hours later the purple being was poked and awoken by a human. ?Hello? Who are you??
?I don?t know. Who are you??
?I am the martial arts master Roshi, also known as the Turtle Hermit!?
Quote:Revised by BardockPut a comma before the words "and" or "but," as it provides appropriate pause. Always put a comma before opening quotation marks, as it is proper grammar. I replaced "Kame-sennin" with "turtle hermit," although both are interchangeable, so long as one or the other isn't over-used.
?Hello. I have no clue who I am and where I came from, but would you keep me as your student??
Roshi laughed, ?Are you crazy? I only train the best of the best! I trained Goku!?
?Go..ku??
?What!?? the turtle hermit yelled. ?You don?t know Goku??
?Who is he??
?Why, he is the strongest on the planet!?
?Alright, master, please train me.?
Quote:Revised by BardockYou forgot a period on the end of your sentence. Never forget the ending punctuation. I replaced "three" with "few," because specific numbers actually take away from a description instead of build it up. Keep it vague. You used the name "Cooler," when previously we were unaware of who he was. To keep with the mystery, and to have him find the name out on his own, I replaced it with "the purple stranger." If you're going to have an amnesia element, keep the reader in the dark for as long as your character is. You spelled "completely" wrong. I replaced "100" with "several" for the same reason as the hours one. You spelled "mystified" wrong.
?No,? Kame-sennin said. ?Not unless you can destroy this rock.?
The rock he pointed at was bigger than a house.
?What! You mean that I have to destroy that rock!??
?Either that or I don?t train you."
?Fine.?
For the next few hours, the purple stranger attacked the rock with everything he could. He suddenly felt rage building up inside of him. He lost control, and completely obliterated the rock and everything behind it for several yards with a single ki blast. When he calmed down he had seen what he had done and was completely mystified.
Quote:Revised by Bardock"Roshi" replaced "Kame-sennin." I changed the name "Cooler" to "the man." Instead of using "said" for a question I inserted "asked" and put a comma before the opening quotation mark, which you left out again. You also forgot another period at the end of your sentence. The rest are name changes, except at the end where I used "hop" because "newcomer" and "come" in the same sentence is redundant.
Roshi stared incredulously at the man and asked, ?Where did you learn to use Ki??
?I don?t know, but I destroyed the rock. You promised to take me in.?
?Fine, let me finish my shopping though.?
After the old man finished shopping he pulled out a capsule and out popped a boat. He told the newcomer to hop in and they left.
You have plenty of roleplaying potential. I recommend you type your roleplays in Microsoft Word, which will help catch minor errors. If you don't have Word and don't have the means to get it, use Spellchecker.net. Type in the box, and then copy/paste into a post when you're done.
Now, take this lesson, and make a new roleplay. Keep going where you left off, or create a completely new situation. Your choice. We'll continue this until you're ready.
For easy comparison (so you can see how cleaned up it got by making a few minor adjustments), here is your roleplay versus the editted version:
Quote:ORIGINAL
"Hello! Is anyone here!"
All that was replied was the pitter patter of rain against the cement. He tried standing up and found out he was as weak as a newborn baby. He walked north gently trudging along. After an hour of walking he fell down and collapsed.
Many hours later he was poked and awoken by a human. "Hello? Who are you?"
"I don't know, who are you?"
"I am the martial arts master KameSennin also known as the Turtle Hermit!"
"Hello, I have no clue who I am and where I came from but would you keep me as your student?"
KameSennin laughed "Are you crazy? I only train the best of the best! I trained Goku!"
"Go..ku?"
"What!?" KameSennin yelled. "You don't know Goku?"
"Who is he?"
"Why, he is the strongest on the planet!"
"Alright, master please train me"
"No" KameSennin said. "Not unless you can destroy this rock"
The rock he pointed at was bigger than a house.
"What! You mean that I have to destroy that rock!?"
"Either that or I don't train you."
"Fine"
For the next 3 hours Cooler attacked the rock with everything he could. He suddenly felt rage building up inside of him. He lost control, and completly obliterated the rock and everything behind it for 100 yards with a single ki blast.When he calmed down he had seen what he had done and was completely mistified
KameSennin stared incredulously at Cooler and said "Where did you learn to use Ki?"
"I don't know, but I destroyed the rock. You promised to take me in."
"Fine, let me finish my shopping though"
After KameSennin finished shopping he pulled out a capsule and out popped a boat. He told Cooler to come in and they left.
Quote:EDITTED
Rain poured down all around the large stranger. ?Hello! Is anyone here??
All that was replied was the pitter-patter of rain against the cement. He tried standing up and found out he was as weak as a newborn baby. He walked north gently trudging along. After an hour of walking he fell down and collapsed.
Many hours later the purple being was poked and awoken by a human. ?Hello? Who are you??
?I don?t know. Who are you??
?I am the martial arts master Roshi, also known as the Turtle Hermit!?
?Hello. I have no clue who I am and where I came from, but would you keep me as your student??
Roshi laughed, ?Are you crazy? I only train the best of the best! I trained Goku!?
?Go..ku??
?What!?? the turtle hermit yelled. ?You don?t know Goku??
?Who is he??
?Why, he is the strongest on the planet!?
?Alright, master, please train me.?
?No,? Kame-sennin said. ?Not unless you can destroy this rock.?
The rock he pointed at was bigger than a house.
?What! You mean that I have to destroy that rock!??
?Either that or I don?t train you."
?Fine.?
For the next few hours, the purple stranger attacked the rock with everything he could. He suddenly felt rage building up inside of him. He lost control, and completely obliterated the rock and everything behind it for several yards with a single ki blast. When he calmed down he had seen what he had done and was completely mystified.
Roshi stared incredulously at the man and asked, ?Where did you learn to use Ki??
?I don?t know, but I destroyed the rock. You promised to take me in.?
?Fine, let me finish my shopping though.?
After the old man finished shopping he pulled out a capsule and out popped a boat. He told the newcomer to hop in and they left.
I was told to come here - Bardock - 09-15-2006
Okay, that's some progress. You also typed it up in Word or spellchecker I see. Now I'm going to do the same thing as I did above. Pay close attention, because these are repeat mistakes, as well as a new one.
Quote:Originally written by Krisien
Pissed off Roshi replies ?What were you expecting? Capsule Corp??
Quote:Revised by BardockWe write all in past tense here. 'Replies' is present tense, while 'replied' is past tense. If it ends in a 'd' usually it is past tense. If you don't understand this, let me know. Also! You forgot the comma before the opening quotation mark. Whenever you have dialogue, you need a comma after the word before the opening quotation mark.
Pissed off Roshi replied, ?What were you expecting? Capsule Corp??
![[Image: visualqb4.png]](http://img133.imageshack.us/img133/9702/visualqb4.png)
See where that arrow is pointing? Inside the circle is the spot where you need to put a comma: right after the word "replied" and before the ? symbol. Understand?
Quote:Originally written by Krisien
?Well no.? Replies Mr. Purple. ?I was expecting an island bigger than a store.
Quote:Revised by BardockOnce more, "replies" is past tense, so it is changed to "replied" which is present tense. You also forgot an ending quotation mark after "store."
?Well no,? replied Mr. Purple. ?I was expecting an island bigger than a store.?
Quote:Originally written by Krisien
?Sorry about that? He said embarrassed. ? They live with me until they find a new home.
Quote:Revised by BardockYou needed a comma after the word "that" and before the closing quotation mark. "He" is not capitalized. And again, you left off the closing quotation mark after "home."
?Sorry about that,? he said, embarrassed. ?They live with me until they find a new home.?
![[Image: visual2oc6.png]](http://img179.imageshack.us/img179/3606/visual2oc6.png)
See where the arrows are pointing? You leave of the ? symbol at the end!
Quote:Originally written by Krisien
Disgruntled the master says ?Very well then, I will start you off with what I taught Goku. Go find me a girl.?
Quote:Revised by Bardock"Says" is present tense while "said" is past tense. Use "said" every time! You also need a comma after "said" and before the opening quotation mark!
Disgruntled the master said, ?Very well then, I will start you off with what I taught Goku. Go find me a girl.?
Quote:Originally written by Krisien
?I?m off to find you a girl KameSennin?
Quote:Revised by BardockYou needed a period at the end of your dialogue. You left one off!
?I?m off to find you a girl KameSennin.?
Quote:Originally written by Krisien
?Right. Lets get started.?
Quote:Revised by BardockThe way you used the underlined word meant you were trying to use it as the contraction "let us" so you needed an apostrophe. An apostophe is always used in contractions, like for the words "can't" (cannot), "don't" (do not), and so on.
?Right. Let?s get started.?
Okay, those are a few grammatical and punctuational errors you have trouble with. Keep going with your roleplay, and try to fix them. When you can write without having too many, you can be accepted to join.
Something you should know, however, is that as of right now, we have a Cooler/Koola, so you won't be able to join as him. Odds are he won't open up anytime soon. You can keep roleplaying as Cooler if you'd like, but when you join, you'll need to pick a different character. And, even though the Cooler you write about has amnesia, you wouldn't be able to change his name. It's not allowed. You can refer to him as "Mr. Purple," or have him remember his name in a brief flashback, but nothing else. For instance:
Quote:Suggestion by BardockSee? He realized his name without revealing anything about his past.
Mr. Purple, as his new master Kame-sennin now called him, worked his way slowly through the forest. He had to find the rock with the turtle hermit?s emblem on it. If he didn?t find it, he couldn?t go any farther in his training. Suddenly, without warning, Mr. Purple was struck by pain. A headache seized his brain, and the large man dropped to his knees. Blurred images flashed before his eyes, and he heard indistinct voices in his head.
?We?ll be arriving soon, Cooler.?
?There is a message for you, Cooler.?
?Cooler, what do we do??
Mr. Purple shook his head. The voices and images faded. His eyes opened wide. He realized they were memories?memories of his past!
?So?my name is?Cooler?? he said slowly.
I was told to come here - Bardock - 09-17-2006
Sure, Olibu is open. Matter of fact, I'll put him on reserve for you, and if anyone tries to join as him, I'll redirect them to another character.
I was told to come here - Bardock - 09-20-2006
Perfect, almost. Nevertheless, you pass.
Repost this roleplay in a join form for Olibu and somebody will make sure you're officially approved.
Congratulations, you GRADUATE!