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+---- Thread: Noku (/showthread.php?tid=35408)
Noku - Bardock - 10-23-2006
I'm Bardock, I'll be your mentor. Since we take pride in our roleplaying here, I expect you to pay close attention and to learn from what I am teaching.
A common problem for new joiners seems to be spacing. Your roleplay is in paragraph format, which is good, but there are a few things that should be separated from the main clump. You also have a lot of spelling and grammatical errors.
Now, I'm going to go through your roleplay and fix each mistake, and change things around a bit to make them flow a little better. I'll do this step-by-step, so you can comprehensively see the changes I make. Each correction is colored red in bold. A total comparison is down at the bottom.
Quote:Revised by Bardock"HFIL" stands for "Home For Infinite Losers," but you had it as "HFLI." The name 'Bebi' is a name, or a proper noun, meaning it should always be capitalized. You had "ever stuck," but the 'ever' is completely unnecessary. "Villains" is spelled wrong. You used the word 'was,' which is past tense. We don't write in present tense, so you needed 'were' to make it past tense. "Fighters" should be capitalized since it's a group name, and you need to use a comma instead of a period because "especially that Goku" is not enough to make a complete sentence. The first letter in a new sentence is always capitalized. Again, you needed to capitalize 'Bebi.' Next, you needed a comma after the word "minute" because there is a pause. You used "has" which is past tense, so it needed to be changed to "had" to make it present tense. Once again, 'Bebi' needs to be capitalized. "Crusome" is not a word, but "gruesome" is, if that's what you meant. You spelled "badly" wrong. Lastly, an elipsis (dots ued for dramatic pause) only uses three periods.
The years in HFIL changed Bebi. He was stuck in that place with all the other villains, all the ones that were defeated by the Z Fighters, especially that Goku. One million years has passed and to Bebi it was a minute, for he was training ever so hard to surpass Goku and his friends.
Finally the day had come for Bebi's release. King Yama really thought Bebi had changed. And Bebi acted that way too, but inside he was still his gruesome self. He wanted badly to get out and get his revenge on Goku...
Quote:Revised by Bardock"Shine" is present tense, while "shone" is past tense. Again, 'Bebi' must be capitalized. Both "white muscular" (muscular was spelled wrong) and "metal face" were capitalized, when they are not proper nouns, and shouldn't be. They're just description words and should be lower case. You need an apostrophe in "man's" to make it possessive, which it is. You need a period at the end of your sentence. "Spiky" is spelled way wrong. The "Lookout" is a place, hence a proper noun, and should be capitalized. You also need a comma after that word for a pause. Both 'namekian' and 'soldiers' were spelled wrong, and "namekian" isn't capitalized because it's a species name. You used the letter "a" before old. When the next word starts with a vowel (a, e, i, o, u) you need to use "an" instead.
The bright sun shone on Bebi. It took him a long time to get adjusted to the sun. Bebi's skin and everything had changed. The once gray metal skin had changed into a white muscluar human body, and his once metal face turned into a handsome young man's face. His hair was all spiky and white, and had a fake smile on his face.
As he landed on the Lookout, Dende was armed with namekian soldiers. The young Dende was now an old man that looked like Kami.
Quote:Revised by BardockYou'll notice I separated the dialogue from the initial paragraph, and spaced between each person saying something. You should do this too. "Bebi" needs to be capitalized again and you need a question mark at the end of a question. "Shaky" is spelled wrong. You need a comma before the closing quotation mark. You need a comma for the pause in the next dialogue. "Appearance" is spelled wrong and you need a comma before the closing quotation mark. You need a comma after 'Dende' for the pause. Yet again, "Bebi" must be capitalized. You need an apostrophe in "Vegeta's" to make it possessive. You used the letter "a" before "effect" (which was spelled wrong). When the next word starts with a vowel (a, e, i, o, u) you need to use "an" instead. "Appearance" is spelled wrong again. "Saiyan" was spelled wrong and should not be capitalized because it is a species name, and you need a comma before the closing quotation mark. Again, 'Bebi' must be capitalized. You switched the letters in "HFIL" again.
"Are you Be-bebi?" asked Dende in shaky voice.
"Why yes I am," replied Bebi in a polite way.
"King Yama was right, you have changed even your appearance," said Dende, looking at Bebi from head to toe.
"The stay in Vegeta's body and the people I controlled had an effect on my regular appearance and my DNA and so I've turned into a saiyan," said Bebi. "And the stay at HFIL turned me good."
Quote:Revised by BardockYou need an apostrophe in "that's" to make it the contraction 'that is.' You used the wrong kind of "here." 'Here' is a direction, 'hear' means to listen. You need a comma before the closing quotation. "Okay" should always be spelled out, not shortened to 'ok.' You need a comma before the closing quotation. "Smirking" should not be capitalized because it is a describing word. Finally, never, never, never, NEVER used asterisks (*) in writing! Italicize thoughts instead.
"Why that's good to hear," said Dende smiling. "Well off you go then."
"Okay, I'll be seeing around then," said bebi. Bebi turned away from Dende smirking and blasted off. Now to find Goku.
I recommend you type your roleplays in Microsoft Word, which will help catch minor errors. If you don't have Word and don't have the means to get it, use Spellchecker.net. Type in the box, and then copy/paste into a post when you're done.
I'd like to point out that here at CDBZ, we don't use show history. Nobody knows anybody else when they join, except if you're family. So, Bebi never knew Vegeta or Goku or the other Z Fighters and he never possessed anyone. Actually, Bebi isn't even allowed to know his possession ability here. I know you're not joining as him, but this applies to every other character, including Noku.
Now, take this lesson, and make a new roleplay. Since you are going to join as Noku, I want you to make him the central character. No more Bebi. If you're going to be Noku, it would be better if you practiced as Noku. We'll continue this until you're ready to officially join.
For easy comparison (so you can see how cleaned up it got by making a few minor adjustments), here is your roleplay versus the editted version:
Quote:ORIGINAL
The years in HFLI changed bebi he was ever stuck in that place with all the other vilians, all the ones that was defeated by the Z fighters. Especially that Goku. one million years has passed and to bebi it was a minute for he was training ever so hard to surpass Goku and his friends.
Finally the day has come for Bebi's release. King Yama really thought bebi had changed. And Bebi acted that way too, but inside he was still his crusome self. He wanted bably to get out and get his revenge on Goku.....
The bright sun shine on bebi. It took him a long time to get adjusted to the sun. Bebi's skin and everything had changed. The once gray metal skin had changed into a White Muscluar human body, and his once Metal Face turned into a handsome young mans face, His hair was all spicky and white, and had a fake smile on his face. As he landed on the lookout Dende was armed with Namkien soilders. The young Dende was now a old man that looked like Kami. " Are you be-bebi" asked Dende in shacky voice. "Why yes I am" replied Bebi in a polite way. "King Yama was right you have changed even your apperance" said Dende looking at bebi from head to toe. " The stay in Vegetas body and the people I controlled had a effected on my regular apperence and my DNA and so I've turned into a Sayin" said bebi. "And the stay at HFLI turned me good." "Why thats good to here" said Dende smiling. "Well off you go then." "Ok, I'll be seeing around then" said bebi. Bebi turned away from Dende Smirking and blasted off. *Now to find Goku*
Quote:EDITTED
The years in HFIL changed Bebi. He was stuck in that place with all the other villains, all the ones that were defeated by the Z Fighters, especially that Goku. One million years had passed and to Bebi it was a minute, for he was training ever so hard to surpass Goku and his friends.
Finally the day had come for Bebi?s release. King Yama really thought Bebi had changed. And Bebi acted that way too, but inside he was still his gruesome self. He wanted badly to get out and get his revenge on Goku?
The bright sun shone on Bebi. It took him a long time to get adjusted to the sun. Bebi?s skin and everything had changed. The once gray metal skin had changed into a white muscular human body, and his once metal face turned into a handsome young man?s face. His hair was all spiky and white, and he had a fake smile on his face. As he landed on the lookout Dende was armed with namekian soldiers. The young Dende was now an old man that looked like Kami.
?Are you Be-bebi?? asked Dende in shaky voice.
?Why yes I am,? replied Bebi in a polite way.
?King Yama was right, you have changed even your appearance,? said Dende, looking at Bebi from head to toe.
?The stay in Vegeta?s body and the people I controlled had an effect on my regular appearance and my DNA and so I?ve turned into a saiyan,? said Bebi. ?And the stay at HFIL turned me good.?
?Why that?s good to hear,? said Dende smiling. ?Well off you go then.?
?Okay, I?ll be seeing around then,? said Bebi. Bebi turned away from Dende smirking and blasted off. Now to find Goku.
Noku - Bardock - 10-30-2006
Wow. You got it pretty fast. There are still a few errors, but your roleplay is definitely acceptable, and you pass. Repost this roleplay in a join form for Noku and somebody will make sure you're officially approved.
Congratulations, you GRADUATE!