+- CDBZ Archive (http://alex.zulenka.com)
+-- Forum: Out of Character Forums (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=8)
+--- Forum: The Legendary Asylum (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=133)
+--- Thread: Something I've found as of late (/showthread.php?tid=38166)
Something I've found as of late - Reijin - 02-19-2007
This is a bit important to me. I've spent a large, and very unfortunate, portion of my thinking contemplating things regarding death and how I'm going to go out and such. Imagining how it will feel, worrying about my fiance, things like that. Yes, that's over emo, yes I shouldn't waste my time and yes, I have found other things to take my mind off of it, but since childhood it seems to be something my mind has always drifted to. I do what I can to get past it, but it is there. So whatever, that's how it goes.
I'd love to live a long healthy life. I mean, granted, I'm very underweight compared to the average guy, weighing in around 105lbs currently, although any doctor ever seeing me feels I'm healthy aside from underweight. I want to be like my grandparents who I always forget are very young for being grandparents, probably in their 60s I believe. I'm the rarity in that my family nearly always had the next gen when they were 18-19.
My grandmother on my dad's side has survived two husbands now, and the entire death thing really hit me when my uncle on that side contracted a testicular cancer when he was around 22 and when it was discovered they could only do what they could while he fought for his life, to die at 26 after hurrying his wedding to be at his hospital bed the night before. He was a rolemodel for me, one of the few people in his generation, the one my parents share, to be worth a damn. Nearly anyone else I or my fiance are related to that fall in the generation above me, including our parents, are worth shit. All due to bad choices. All of the people in the generation above that are wonderful and great people I'd love to live up to.
I even have a great grandmother on my dad's side still out here, and while I don't get to see her very often due to constant hospital troubles, distance, and various aspects of living a life, I do care. But the grandparents on my mom's side, the younger ones, are constantly undergoing surgeries. These surgeries are usually for diabetic things or blood clots and things. My grandmother constantly has to get blood clots removed, just waiting on the one that finally gets into the wrong spot out of nowhere. My grandfather has had at least one quad bipass, and has to deal with all the crap with diabetes and has been talking about what a bitch going senile has turned into, with how he's trying to just live life all normal and yet sometimes he randomly cannot remember his own name, which irritates him b/c he still has a lot of living to do.
Mortality is something that can never be argued, can never be fought. I'd love more than anything to live long enough to see what this next millenium brings us. I've always felt that I was born into the wrong time period. If anything ever happened like on Futurama, as long as my gf underwent the same thing, I'd have no regrets waking up to enjoy the world similar to Serenity, Futurama, etc, where all of that is possible. It'd be very welcome. But that's great to dream about, great to imagine.
The point that I'm getting at, is that my grandmother recently called me to inform me that I'm going to need to get some blood tests done soon, if I can ever find the time, to get checked out for something they found she has. Something very common, so whatever, right? They said she was diagnosed as having Factor Five which is a serious clotting disorder, and that they recommended getting the generations below her tested. They tested my mom: positive. They tested my younger sister: positive. I believe my brother was negative, but he's from a different father. I most likely have it, and if I'm not 100% definately having it, I'm 50% depending on my father's bloodline. I don't think they have it, but my sister fell into that negative end due to my mom being guarenteed it since both my grandparents there have it.
AKA... I am going to probably die of a very random, sudden, and extremely painful heart attack or brain hemorrage or something. What love and joy to look forward to. I can still hope that it will be the silent and painless death in my sleep, but who knows. I already have very thick veins that being so thin a number of people notice. My customers at work even start discussing it while I'm handing out food, apparently doctors, talking to each other going "Good lord look at his veins, he's got some damn good blood flow going" and usually echoing it as a good thing. But who knows.
I live everyday hoping to enjoy it as if it could be my last, and make a point of trying to never leave those I love on a bad note. Too many people have their husband or wife get killed in a wreck and they cry saying that the last thing they'd said on the phone was a huge fight or "i hate you". My gf even never understands why I never hold anger, and just get angry for a few minutes and shut myself up doing something, and then just continue as if nothing happened. I tend to do things like right after we are arguing walk over and hug her tightly and ask her if there is anything I can get for her while rubbing her shoulders, then remind her how much I love her, even if its the tiniest arguement over something stupid like who's turn it is to wash dishes. Because regardless of what it is you are arguing over, in the great end of it, it means nothing. Nothing at all.
http://www.factorfiveleidensupport.org/
That site has a lot of information regarding it that I'm going to have to look up later, but until then... I have a roleplay to write.
Something I've found as of late - Krillin - 02-19-2007
What to say? We are handed our death certificate at birth with the date left blank. It's going to happen. Some people live life without ever realizing it. Some people realize it, and change drastically.
We live in a society that treats death very lightly, and doesn't like to talk about it much. Instead of words like "died", we have cutesy little phrases, like "passed away", or "moved on to the next world". Mankind has conquered the sea, the skies, space, but of all this, time eludes our technological advances, and it is one of the few things we have that will be depleted without an alternative to fill its place.
So how should man live? There are as many answers for this as there are currently living. What is the goal of man? What is our ultimate purpose? Do we even have one?
If nothing else, I hope you are content with the impossible questions, and answer the possible. Do realize, however, that you are not alone in this unwilling march. There are seven billion other people making this same march. Some are going to fall before you. Some are going to fall after you. But in this, in time's slavery, we are all brothers and sisters.
I hope you find comfort in that.
Something I've found as of late - Reijin - 02-19-2007
In response to your mention of euphemisms... If you notice, I rarely use them. I refer to sex as "Sex", not sugar it up with "making love". The actual intent WILL be noticed by the ones that matter, and the difference in useage will be apparent (although if I use "getting fucked" its at a lower level in my mind).
I use "died" almost entirely, very very very rarely reverting to "oh he didn't die, he simply passed on" because as Carlin pointed out, euphemisms are pointless. They didn't just "ooh, where did they go? They went 'awayyyy' my child. They just passed onnnn" They died. They are in a box rotting, but in doing so, they are returning to the earth itself what they have taken from it over the course of their life, refueling it with the nutrients of their own bodies to make up for their useage of those fuels the earth had before them. Its how life goes.
Something I've found as of late - Violet - 02-19-2007
Whatever happens, Rei, you know we're here. May not in physical form, but we're still here. Just make sure you make every damn day worth it.
Go get checked. Its kinda unlike me to say it really, because I am one of those people better off not knowing what's happening than dwell on what is, but this is something far more serious than what the name implies. Please, go get checked. <3