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+-- Forum: Sagas (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=275)
+--- Forum: Dante's Abyss 2007 (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=195)
+---- Forum: DA Junkyard (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=251)
+---- Thread: See ehn See (/showthread.php?tid=39216)
See ehn See - Raditzu - 05-09-2007
Want someone to give you some feedback on a post? Through up a link.
Oh, and remember the golden rule: don't be a bitch; give someone else some feedback before asking for it yourself.
See ehn See - Raditzu - 05-09-2007
I'll start things off. Go me!
Dante's Abyss 2007 Sign-Ups
Sign-up post. I feel like I'm breaking off a lot more rust than I'd prefer.
See ehn See - Burter - 05-09-2007
Note to fighters: You're in for hell of a fight if you want half a shot at stopping Raditzu from winning
See ehn See - Olibu - 05-09-2007
I dunno if you wanted a lengthy critique, but I'll give it a shot. I love how you build the two characters up like they are important, and then as soon as it would start to get to their heads, you rip it right back down. You did that perfectly by having that woman not know of you. I also like your companionship with 18, its kinda refreshing how you can show so much without showing anything. Their relationship showed how comfortable they are with eachother and you used very little words to do so. I know a writer is good when I laugh because I'm not just looking at words anymore, I see the story and not just the words.
?Style? Iunno? I just hit people. They usually fall down.?
Best part eva!
For mine, use the same link, do my sign up I guess.
See ehn See - Bojack - 05-09-2007
Olibu your post didn't really pop out that much. It was kind of bland, and I think I know a couple of reasons why.
For a piece heavy on dialogue, the lines weren't that great. When you commit to something like that, you have to make sure it is your premier talent. Tarantino has movies heavy on the dialogue because he knows how to do it extremely well. Would you sit through 20 minute conversations in movies that Tarantino didn't direct? I wouldn't, and Tarantino gets away with it because he has a sort of comic book style zeal. Which is the place to go for building dialogue... if you want to write dialogue heavy work, read comics.
The characters didn't have that much character. I didn't continue reading to see who would say what next, and that made the dialogue kind of flat. One trick I know that works when dealing with redshirts (short lived characters) is to make him and your character have conflicting personalities. Like how he asked too many questions ('what is your age'), instead of Olibu being silent he could have said something like 'dont worry about that' or 'next question'. Idk if you want to portray Olibu like that, but I don't see it as butchering your character... it just means the other guy is treading over a sensitive area.
Another thing that works is having the two characters misunderstand each other. Joseph Heller did this a lot in Catch 22 (great fuxing book), and it added depth to the pages, as well as a comedic tone. When I say misunderstanding I mean maybe a character didn't hear what another one said... or maybe add some Abott and Costello type circular logic. Anything that will make me wonder along with the characters as to what the hell is actually going on. And it adds realism.
And westerns. Westerns have great dialogue. And I am such a hypocrite here; dialogue is my weakest point. But I just don't put stuff into practice when I write, I just do it. If you are like me, then put more stuff into practice when you write, and sooner or later, you won't have to do much revision and stuff. It will come naturally.
So, hopefully this is how you write and it wasn't just one post that's totally different from everything else you do. If so, I just wasted a lot of time. =( That flashback was pretty good, and the post wasn't that bad. It's just, for something that was mainly conversation, it wasn't interesting conversation. And good luck in DA.
/cheesy thumbs up
Yay. Me: Free-For-All
Best thing I've written in a while, and still not that good. Help a brother out?
See ehn See - Burter - 05-09-2007
No offense, but this is DA C&C only. Take your other stuff to RPG Discussion where it goes
See ehn See - Bojack - 05-09-2007
My bad. Ignore me then.
EDIT: Although, where was this said? I thought this was for participants of DA that wanted help with their writing?
See ehn See - Raditzu - 05-09-2007
Quote:Originally posted by Burter
No offense, but this is DA C&C only. Take your other stuff to RPG Discussion where it goes
That's where it was said.
See ehn See - Android-18 - 05-09-2007
Dante's Abyss 2007 Sign-Ups
Well if anyone wants they can CnC me.
I read your post Olibu, I thought it was ok, although you could have used a little more depth to your post. The flash back was an interesting addition.
See ehn See - Burter - 05-09-2007
It said so in the forum name
DA Junkyard
See ehn See - Reijin - 05-09-2007
Rad wins this. Hands down. If he has the stamina to keep going the way his first post and his description are, he wins. I admit this. I have no way to beat that.
See ehn See - Grandpa Gohan - 05-09-2007
Dante's Abyss 2007 Sign-Ups
I would also like some cnc on my first yearly DA post. =(
See ehn See - Whompt - 05-10-2007
Nice stuff. Definite contender material.
Let me know how this post went guys. I feel like it's one of the better serious works of done.
Join post
See ehn See - Aero - 05-10-2007
I think it's a solid post. One of the better sign-up posts thus far. Touch up on your grammar a bit. I see some errors, though they might be typos. Also, you went in detail enough without overflowing it with elaboration. Overall, 7.5/10 maybe. A great sign-up post, and pretty good post overall.
Mine: Dante's Abyss 2007 Sign-Ups
See ehn See - Bujin - 05-10-2007
You did well, but like most of the posts there, it's only a sign-up. I expect yours to get better when you get more content to play around with.
My post: Sign-up thingie.
See ehn See - Old Zangya - 05-10-2007
I just posted a sign-up post. C&C me.
See ehn See - Old Zangya - 05-11-2007
Quote:Originally posted by Zangyahttp://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/thread.php?postid=347720#post347720
I just posted a sign-up post. C&C me.
And that one, too, please.
See ehn See - Kirano - 05-11-2007
Zangya, place urls in links. It's much easier for others.
See ehn See - Raditzu - 05-11-2007
Quote:Originally posted by Zangya
Quote:Originally posted by Zangyahttp://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/thread.php?postid=347720#post347720
I just posted a sign-up post. C&C me.
And that one, too, please.
Its considered proper decorum to give some feedback before asking for someone to critique your own work. I this case, Bujin should have received something from you.
See ehn See - Bujin - 05-11-2007
Quote:Originally posted by Raditzu
Quote:Originally posted by Zangya
Quote:Originally posted by Zangyahttp://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/thread.php?postid=347720#post347720
I just posted a sign-up post. C&C me.
And that one, too, please.
Its considered proper decorum to give some feedback before asking for someone to critique your own work. I this case, Bujin should have received something from you.
I was going to let it go. <.<