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+---- Thread: nappa (/showthread.php?tid=39770)
nappa - xssence - 06-05-2007
* nappa was a man that loved to fight one day he was orderd to go to earth by frezza with vegeta he could not help but to wounder how strong he was after the time he spent traning with the littel green men so he desided to go test his streath out along with vegeta
nappa; hay vegeta is it true oure race can becom ssjs?
;vegeta of cours nappa its in our blood our race is a proud race
* they both get in space pods and take off torwds earth
* nappa ied love to becom a ssj to see what its like dount you vegeta?
* vegeta of cours then i or we will take freeza down once and for all
umm how was that did not want it to be to long any pointers?
nappa - Bardock - 06-05-2007
First, any role-play you make must be 300 words minimum. Yours is 125. Secondly, we write in paragraph format, and you seem to be writing in script format. Take a look at your role-play, and then take a look at the one below, which is completely edited.
Quote:Nappa was a man that loved to fight. One day, he was ordered to go to Earth by Frieza with Vegeta. He could not help but to wonder how strong he was after the time he spent training with the little green men, so he decided to go test his strength out along with Vegeta.
Nappa said, ?Hey Vegeta, is it true our race can become super saiyans??
Vegeta replied, ?Of course Nappa. It?s in our blood. Our race is a proud race.?
The both got into space pods and took off towards Earth.
Nappa said, ?I?d love to become a super saiyan to see what it?s like, don?t you Vegeta??
Vegeta answered, ?Of course. Then I, or we, will take Frieza down once and for all.?
My suggestion to you, before I point out anything else, is to write in Microsoft Word, because you really need to work on spelling and punctuation, and that will help with the basics. If you don't have Word, use Spellchecker.net.
Write another role-play in paragraph form, or how you would see in a book.
And finally, stop making multiple threads. Use this one and this one only.
nappa - xssence - 06-06-2007
ok thanks for the help
nappa - Violet - 06-07-2007
Let's try a few exercises to see if you comprehend what Bardock has explained.
Quote:* nappa was a man that loved to fight one day he was orderd to go to earth by frezza with vegeta he could not help but to wounder how strong he was after the time he spent traning with the littel green men so he desided to go test his streath out along with vegeta
nappa; hay vegeta is it true oure race can becom ssjs?
;vegeta of cours nappa its in our blood our race is a proud race
* they both get in space pods and take off torwds earth
* nappa ied love to becom a ssj to see what its like dount you vegeta?
* vegeta of cours then i or we will take freeza down once and for all
This is the roleplay we'll be working with for this class, along with a few of my own. Pay attention, and keep up the effort, and hopefully, by the time we are through, you will come out with the skills you need to roleplay at Chubbs. =)
Referring to Bardock's revision, he did a nice cleanup of your roleplay, but I want to see what you can do to improve it. Sometimes, to bring out the best writing you can, you need to take time, and patience.
Like Bardock had mentioned, spellcheck is a great tool. Also, do you have Microsoft Word? It has a built in spellchecker that is very useful, as well as a word counting tool. It is a program that I use almost religiously.
Ok, reading over your roleplay, I would like to make a few observations. Before I continue, however, I would like to ask you not to get offended by any input suggested by myself, or my co-mentors. We are here to help you! =) It can be frustrating, yes, but in the end, you will become a better writer because of it. Becoming a good writer takes time, patience, and persistance, so just because you don't get something right the first time, don't lose hope!
Alrighty, onto my observations. We shall work on these things one at a time, alright? When I am comfortable that you are learning, we will move on to another section, and soon, you'll be ready to roleplay, so make sure you check this thread often. I am almost always available both here and on AIM, check my profile for my screen name if you ever need any help.
First, let's work on your punctuation. Spelling, we shall work on that throughout this class, so don't worry about that just at the moment, although, please keep it in mind as you are working.
Your first exercise!
Remember, we'll work on punctuation first, then we'll move on how to improve the roleplay. (*Note: since this is such a short roleplay, we will work its entirety in this exercise.*)
Quote:* nappa was a man that loved to fight one day he was orderd to go to earth by frezza with vegeta he could not help but to wounder how strong he was after the time he spent traning with the littel green men so he desided to go test his streath out along with vegeta
nappa; hay vegeta is it true oure race can becom ssjs?
;vegeta of cours nappa its in our blood our race is a proud race
* they both get in space pods and take off torwds earth
* nappa ied love to becom a ssj to see what its like dount you vegeta?
* vegeta of cours then i or we will take freeza down once and for all
What I want you to do, is go through this peice of writing, and fix the punctuation. For example,
Quote:nappa; hay vegeta is it true oure race can becom ssjs?
When a person is speaking, ALWAYS put their speech in double quotes, which look like this " ".
So, it would look like this (changes are in bold):
Quote:Nappa: "Hay, Vegeta, is it true our race can become ssjs?"
Now, we can take this a step further, and put this in third person perspective(Which is what we here at Chubbs write in, although, those who have a good grasp on other perspectives sometimes write in those. This style is preferred, though.), and perhaps switch around a few words to make it more interesting. Follow along!
Quote:"Hey, Vegeta;" the burly saiyan asked. "Isn't it true that our race can become Super Saiyans?"
Notice the adjective, "burly". An adjective can be defined as a word that further describes a noun (Nappa, in this case), and can give a better mental image of our speaker. Adjectives are good, they are like the chocolate sprinkles on our ice cream! Just remember that too much can be a bad thing, but we'll work on that later. =)
Now, take the rest of that roleplay (Feel free to use my revised sentence, if you wish) and fix the punctuation. When you complete that, we will move on to the next exercise!
nappa - xssence - 06-07-2007
let me try thay now is it like this ? Nappa: hey, vegeta look at this ship its real big I bet it can reach the stars "
umm like that?
nappa - Android 17 - 06-07-2007
You're closer, but you're still not on the ball. Your one minor error is that you don't put the name of your speaker in the dialog unless it's actually spoken.
Instead of:
Quote:Yours
" Nappa: hey, vegeta look at this ship its real big I bet it can reach the stars "
You want to write:
Quote:Me
"Hey, Vegeta, look at this ship, it's real big. I bet it can reach the stars," Nappa said.
Do you see what I did there? I removed the 'Nappa:' bit from the beginning because, as Bardock said and Violet tried to reinforce, we don't write in script format. We write in paragraph format (like a book...not a movie or play script).
It is pivotal for you to understand the difference between script and paragraph writing. Because if you can't adapt yourself to write in a paragraph format, you'd be better of searching the depths of the internet for a chat rpg, instead of a play-by-post rpg.
Once you learn this lesson, myself or someone will tutor you further on things such as punctuation, capitalization, and paragraph structure, but for now, this will be one of your most important lessons.
In a nutshell
-Drop the whole 'Nappa:', 'Vegeta:', 'Anyone:' at the start of your dialog
-Replace if with 'Nappa said.' or 'Vegeta replied' after your dialog.
-Remember that dialog is anything that's spoken and should be contained within quotation marks, which are this guys: " "
nappa - xssence - 06-07-2007
ok im starting to get it so its
? hay i think i got the hang of this all most said Nappa
i like this thanks this is fun
nappa - xssence - 06-07-2007
" hay testing one three this is not scrip" said nappa
and this is script nappa:
the one I whant is this right?
" yo check out thay big sword? said nappaa
am I right?
nappa - xssence - 06-07-2007
ok now I get it by the way sorry for to many post I got the hang of it now
"now lets have fun" said Nappa
nappa - xssence - 06-07-2007
thanks for the help
nappa - Android 17 - 06-07-2007
Quote:Originally posted by xssence
" hay testing one three this is not scrip" said nappa
Quote:" yo check out thay big sword? said nappaa
Both of those are correct. Just four small little things.
1. Don't put that blank space at the beginning of your dialog (It should be "Yo check..." not " yo check..." See what I'm talking about?).
2. Always capitalize the proper nouns (Vegeta, Nappa, America, Iraq, etcetera) and the first word of your dialog (in your case, 'Hey' and 'Yo').
3. Put a comma (,) after the last word in your dialog, but make sure it is inside the closing quotation. In your case, it should read '...big sword," said...'
4. Put a period (.) at the end of your sentences. In your case: "...big sword," said Nappa.
Those are four very minute, mechanical things, but once you are familiar with them, you'll be golden.
Now I would like for you to try your hand at writing a short conversation. Think you can handle that? It doesn't need to be spectacular, and you don't need to have anything except the talking. My goal here is just to see how much you understand, okay?
Here's an example of what I'd like you to do:
Quote:"It's been raining lately," said the little boy.
"Yea, you should come in my car out of the rain," said Burter.
"My mommy told me not to talk to strangers," the boy replied.
"Well I have candy," Burter responded.
"Okay, I guess you can't be that bad," the young child said.
Just something simple like that. Make sure to keep in mind the four little things I covered. Good luck.
nappa - xssence - 06-07-2007
ok
nappa - xssence - 06-07-2007
"Boy its a long day" said Nappa.
"It shure has" replied Vegeta.
"Hay lets go train near the lake" said Nappa.
"haha growing soft Nappa?" Vegeta asked.
" ya I think so" replied Nappa.
hows that?
nappa - xssence - 06-07-2007
just to let you know im useing a wii so if my wii remote gos dead i will not be on for a few days
nappa - xssence - 06-07-2007
hay do you guys mine helping me learn to like buy things or fight in this rpg as soon as im done here?
nappa - xssence - 06-08-2007
ok i think I get it what is the next one
nappa - xssence - 06-08-2007
how am i doing so far?
nappa - Android 17 - 06-08-2007
All right, sorry for that delay there (sometimes I can be a busy man). Question: Are you sure you really want to join a typing-heavy rpg if all you use for internet access is a Wii? You're going to be expected to type at least 300 words for every roleplay you post here...that's a lot if you have to use a pointer (trust me, I have a Wii as well).
I honestly think you should re-evaluating joining this website if you can't find an actual computer with a keyboard. Otherwise you'll probably just have a really bad time. I want you to really think that over. For an example of the average-sized roleplay, here's something I did that's about 550 words: Day Five: Early Morning
nappa - xssence - 06-08-2007
i realy whant to join but right now i have no other batteries and theyvare geting low besides i whant to wright a book called star dust angel i could use the computer in the other room all i need to do is ask but ya i realy whant to join
nappa - xssence - 06-09-2007
can some one email me the link to this web sight thanks