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Help, help! - Android-18 - 03-10-2005
I need anyone smart with literacy to pick this apart for ANY errors. I'm submitting it to my school and if I win I'll get published. I'm just concerned with my dialogue, I'm bad at when to use commas and when to capitalize after someone talks.
A Ghost
It was a cold day, too cold for anyone. It was more cold here than anywhere else in the city. Joey touched the front door; chips of ice fell away and melted from his hot hands. Why was this house so cold? He wondered. He let his hand drop to the knob and turned it. The door was so icy that he had to push hard against it so that it would open.
He was a normal guy, he got good grades in school, had good friends, and rarely did anything wrong. So why was Joey now walking into this cold dark house? It was to prove the rumors wrong. They say there are ghosts, many of them. This large old house would seem like a ghost house, but everyone knew there was no such thing. Of course his friends pushed him on though, and now as he entered they quickly shuffled in behind him.
?I can do this on my own, you know.? he said with confidence to his friends, Chris, and Amanda. They had been together as friends since elementary school and now even high school. ?You guys are going to owe me big for this. There is no such thing as ghosts.? He laughed shortly. Soon after he laughed the door shut hard behind them.
All three of them turned at once to see the door closed. Chris quickly ran toward it and tried the knob. ?It?s closed tight, and we?d have to break this thing to get out.? He said with a hint of fear. ?Maybe this was a stupid idea.? He joined the others and they looked around.
Amanda rubbed her hands together for warmth. ?I know its winter, but this place is freezing. There isn?t this much frost even outside.? She said as wisps of vapor clouded out of her mouth. Her words were true, though. The whole inside of the house was coated in a thin layer of frost, like the inside of a freezer. The area they were inside was large like the front room of a mansion, ?I wonder why this place was abandoned, because it?s beautiful.?
Their footsteps could be heard as they started toward the staircase. Slowly they made their way up it; pictures were hung on the walls of men and women they didn?t know. They stopped at the top of the stair case and took note of the long hallway before them. Suddenly Chris?s voice broke the air, ?Guys I really think we should just find a way out now.? He said and his voice seemed to even tremble. Joey rolled his eyes and turned to his friend. But what he saw would change his life forever.
It was large and translucent; it did not look like the little kiddy ghosts everyone commonly pictured. No, it was frightening, glowing eyes stared at them and caused them to freeze where they stood. It floated like a deadly phantom that could not even be pictured in ones mind. ?Chris?? He said and raised a trembling hand to point at the spirit behind his friend. Slowly Chris turned and looked up slowly to see the almost invisible being towering over him like death himself. ?Move?? Joey?s voice said, but it was hardly audible.
It was too late, Amanda?s scream could be heard through the whole house as the ghost gripped at Chris?s neck and he started to choke. The strange part was that as the ghost lifted his hand to pull Chris upward, it was as if his soul was being ripped upward instead. Both Joey and Amanda cried out as they saw their friend being killed right before their eyes. His skin turned as white as the frost around them, and blood started to pour from his mouth. His transparent soul was held by the evil ghost and as Chris?s dead body hit the floor the soul became a part of the being.
At this point the two teens were running down the hall. They checked all the doors along the way, but all of them were locked. They started to panic and grow terrified. The last door clicked open and they scrambled in to the dark cold room. Amanda ran forward while Joey leaned on the door gasping for breath. ?I can?t believe it?? he said between breaths, ?It?s true, I?m so sorry Amanda?? He started forward as she turned to face him, but a look of terror covered her face as she looked upon him.
A ghostly hand showed in the front of his chest, and blood was beginning to soak through his shirt. It held the silky white of his soul in its grasp, and Amanda started to cry, ?No! No!? She walked backward and Joey looked at his soul, and his wound, and seemed puzzled. He looked one last time at Amanda, he had grown to love her, but now it was too late. Life escaped him and he crumpled to the floor, his soul dangling in the air by the ghost. It absorbed his essence, and advanced on the trapped girl. ?NO!? she shielded her head with her arms, crying and shaking with fear as the phantom approached.
?Two murders?? The police officer muttered under his breath to himself, ?Who would have thought?Poor girl, must be insane.? He looked back as two of his friends pulled the struggling and crying girl into the car. They had found her shaking and curled up by the bushes, two bodies freshly killed and bloody at her feet. It was strange, but all evidence led to her, the fact that she was covered in blood didn?t help. She kept crying though, and even now he heard her terror filled screams and yelps. It was always the same, the ghost. She claimed it was a ghost, or she was just saying it because she was insane. He shook his head, so young but already blood stained her hands. He closed his note book and walked to his car. He heard her crying again, and again. ?Yeah?A ghost did it, ok. You?re going to a safe place now sweetheart?No ghosts there.? He frowned slightly. After the case was reported she would be sent to an asylum, where she belonged. A ghost?That was a child?s story.
Help, help! - Abel - 03-10-2005
I know I'm thirteen but this is what I know, I just looked at the dialouge mostly real close. I like the story, as usual.
Quote:?I can do this on my own, you know.? he said with confidence to his friends, Chris, and Amanda.
In that part, you don't need the comma after Chris.
Quote:There is no such thing as ghosts.? He laughed shortly. Soon after he laughed the door shut hard behind them.
My personal feelings here are that you should combine the last two sentances because you are restating that he laughed, that's not needed, a semi-colon can be used well here.
Quote:?It?s closed tight, and we?d have to break this thing to get out.? He said with a hint of fear. ?Maybe this was a stupid idea.? He joined the others and they looked around.
There is one thing that could be changed slightly, this is nit-picky but I think that you should at least change it to:
?It?s closed tight, and we?d have to break this thing to get out,? he said with a hint of fear, ?maybe this was a stupid idea.? He joined the others as they looked around.
That's what I think because you don't need to make a short sentance in between the quotes, you can add it into one sentance, and I don't like the "He joined others and looked around" part, so I changed the and to as.
Quote:Amanda rubbed her hands together for warmth. ?I know its winter,
Its should be it's.
Quote:She said as wisps of vapor clouded out of her mouth. Her words were true, though. The whole inside of the house was coated in a thin layer of frost, like the inside of a freezer.
This can be made into one sentance with a comma after though. Only because it's is talking about the same subject here.
Quote:?Guys I really think we should just find a way out now.? He said and his voice seemed to even tremble. Joey rolled his eyes and turned to his friend. But what he saw would change his life forever.
A couple things here. You can take out the "he said" part because you already stated he said it by breaking the silence. And also, you can take out the period before but and change it to a ,but instead. I learned this more recently in my writing class.
Quote:Slowly Chris turned and looked up slowly to see the almost invisible
I feel like an ass for this one...but a comma should be after the first slowly.
All I can see right now. I enjoyed the story. Good work, these are just my opinions..I feel like an ass for some of them...
Hope you win ^_^
Help, help! - Android-18 - 03-10-2005
No, no, you see I don't know why but when it comes to these things...I just don't get it. I've learned it a few times and still forget how to do it right, it's my flaw, aside from spelling.
Help, help! - Hellfighter 17 - 03-10-2005
If you are talking about punctuation in dialogue, I'm pretty sure that you have to capitalize after a period within the quatation marks, but when you use a question mark or exclamation mark, you can capitalize or not, as long as it pertained to who or how they said it, you can choose not to capitalize. I'm pretty sure of those things, also, some writers write different ways, I just pick these things up in novels and in English. I may have been wrong on some of those, but I'm pretty sure they are right, sorry if they are wrong, you can also adapt your own style, too, if you want, I have with commas, at least ^_^
Help, help! - Android-18 - 03-10-2005
The judges are teachers, they will be looking at common errors in the writing, so I have to write correctly.
Help, help! - Ander - 03-13-2005
Quote:A Ghost
It was a cold day, too cold for anyone. It was more cold here than anywhere else in the city. Joey touched the front door; chips of ice fell away and melted from his hot hands. Why was this house so cold, he wondered. He let his hand drop to the knob and turned it. The door was so icy that he had to push hard against it so that it would open.
He was a normal guy: he got good grades in school, had good friends, and rarely did anything wrong. So why was Joey now walking into this cold dark house? It was to prove the rumors wrong. They say there are ghosts, many of them. This large old house would seem like a ghost house, but everyone knew there was no such thing. Of course, his friends pushed him on though, and now as he entered they quickly shuffled in behind him.
?I can do this on my own, you know,? he said with confidence to his friends, Chris and Amanda. They had been together as friends since elementary school, and now even high school. ?You guys are going to owe me big for this. There is no such thing as ghosts,? he laughed shortly. Soon after he laughed the door shut hard behind them.
All three of them turned at once to see the door closed. Chris quickly ran toward it and tried the knob. ?It?s closed tight, and we?d have to break this thing to get out,? he said with a hint of fear. ?Maybe this was a stupid idea.? He joined the others and they looked around.
Amanda rubbed her hands together for warmth. ?I know it?s winter, but this place is freezing. There isn?t this much frost even outside,? she said as wisps of vapor clouded out of her mouth. Her words were true, though. The whole inside of the house was coated in a thin layer of frost, like the inside of a freezer. The area they were inside was large like the front room of a mansion. ?I wonder why this place was abandoned, because it?s beautiful.?
Their footsteps could be heard as they started toward the staircase. Slowly they made their way up it; pictures were hung on the walls of men and women they didn?t know. They stopped at the top of the staircase and took note of the long hallway before them. Suddenly Chris?s voice broke the air, ?Guys, I really think we should just find a way out now,? he said, and his voice seemed to even tremble. Joey rolled his eyes and turned to his friend. But what he saw would change his life forever.
It was large and translucent; it did not look like the little kiddy ghosts everyone commonly pictured. No, it was frightening. Glowing eyes stared at them and caused them to freeze where they stood. It floated like a deadly phantom that could not even be pictured in one?s mind. ?Chris?? he said, and raised a trembling hand to point at the spirit behind his friend. Slowly Chris turned and looked up slowly to see the almost invisible being towering over him like death himself. ?Move?? Joey?s voice said, but it was hardly audible.
It was too late, Amanda?s scream could be heard through the whole house as the ghost gripped at Chris?s neck and he started to choke. The strange part was that as the ghost lifted his hand to pull Chris upward, it was as if his soul was being ripped upward instead. Both Joey and Amanda cried out as they saw their friend being killed right before their eyes. His skin turned as white as the frost around them as blood started to pour from his mouth. The evil ghost held his transparent soul, and as Chris?s dead body hit the floor, the soul became a part of the being.
At this point the two teens were running down the hall. They checked all the doors along the way, but all of them were locked. They started to panic and grew terrified. The last door clicked open and they scrambled into the dark cold room. Amanda ran forward while Joey leaned on the door gasping for breath. ?I can?t believe it?? he said between breaths. ?It?s true. I?m so sorry Amanda.? He started forward as she turned to face him, but a look of terror covered her face as she looked upon him.
A ghostly hand showed in the front of his chest, and blood was beginning to soak through his shirt. It held the silky white of his soul in its grasp, and Amanda started to cry, ?No! No!? She walked backward and Joey looked at his soul, and his wound, and seemed puzzled. He looked one last time at Amanda, he had grown to love her, but now it was too late. Life escaped him and he crumpled to the floor, his soul dangling in the air by the ghost. It absorbed his essence, and advanced on the trapped girl. ?NO!? She shielded her head with her arms, crying and shaking with fear as the phantom approached.
?Two murders,? the police officer muttered under his breath to himself. ?Who would have thought?poor girl, must be insane.? He looked back as two of his friends pulled the struggling and crying girl into the car. They had found her shaking and curled up by the bushes, two bodies freshly killed and bloodied at her feet. It was strange, but all evidence led to her, the fact that she was covered in blood didn?t help. She kept crying though, and even now he heard her terror filled screams and yelps. It was always the same, the ghost. She claimed it was a ghost, or she was just saying it because she was insane. He shook his head, so young but already blood had stained her hands. He closed his notebook and walked to his car. He heard her crying again, and again. ?Yeah. A ghost did it?okay. You?re going to a safe place now sweetheart, no ghosts there.? He frowned slightly. After the case was reported she would be sent to an asylum, where she belonged. A ghost. That was a child?s story.
Everything I changed is in bold. Most of them are puncutational errors, some were sentence fragments or incorrect words, and others were just my own preferential inserts. Avoid using "said" so much (find an appropriate synonym), and separate some of your dialogue from the paragraphs. I liked the whole "Final Fantasy: Spirits Within hand going through the chest" thing. Whether you got it from that movie or not, it was cool. Hope this helps.
Help, help! - Android-18 - 03-13-2005
.