+- CDBZ Archive (http://alex.zulenka.com)
+-- Forum: Out of Character Forums (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=8)
+--- Forum: The Legendary Asylum (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=133)
+---- Forum: Workshop (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=32)
+---- Thread: Hmm... (/showthread.php?tid=4239)
Hmm... - Hellfighter 17 - 03-17-2005
I just felt like writing something.
Time
Day by day
Hour by hour
Minute by minute
Second by second
Time is my enemy
Life passing by
Friends passing by
Opportunities passing by
Me passing by
Time is my enemy
Everybody leaving
Everybody changing
Everybody happy
Everybody gone
Time is my enemy
I am stuck here
I am the same
I am not happy
I am gone
Time is my enemy
Sorry for the crapiness.
BTW, I wouldn't mind some constructful criticism.
Hmm... - Android-18 - 03-17-2005
Yeah I didnt want to be mean...but it's too repetitive. Of course I'm more into abstract stuff.
Hmm... - Jonathan Meer - 03-18-2005
Repetition is a beautiful thing, but it's like cayenne pepper. A little bit adds vibrancy to your works, but too much will burn in your reader's mouth. 'Time is my enemy' is a very dry phrase to repeat.
I'm all for the free-verse movement (though I prefer a good classical piece myself), but this just isn't working. There's nothing keeping the poem together, except the repetition. As I've already said, it isn't working.
Try working in some imagery with your poem. Give us a symbol relating Time as an enemy. Is it like a knife wound in your heart, or is it simply a scald upon your palm? Is it a snake in the leaves, or a falcon silhouette?
Work around with it, give it a re-write, and let it sit for three days. On the third day, resurrect it and read it again to yourself. If it's completely horrible, throw it away. If there's a single diamond in it, however, harvest it and consider your writing a success.
Hmm... - Jonathan Meer - 03-19-2005
Interested idea, but I would recommend something a bit stronger than just "the wound swallows me".
Hmm... - Hellfighter 17 - 03-19-2005
Oh, I didn't see your advice earlier Krillin, thanks. I have the inspiration, but no talent, yeesh.
I think instead of "The wound is formed," it should be "The wound starts." Then, instead of "The wound grows longer," maybe "The wound starts to take over." Next, maybe "The wound takes ahold of me" taking place of "The wound grows deeper." For the finisher, possible replace "The wound swallows me," with "The wound engulfs my soul." Just my thoughts, on your renditions to it, I'm thinking of what to do with the last two verses, thanks for the advice though, guys.
Hmm... - Jonathan Meer - 03-19-2005
Furiza, you're too damn good at that. It's unfair.
Hmm... - Hellfighter 17 - 03-20-2005
This may not be the smae one, but I think it is better, and tell me if I even have a shred of decency in this that can turn into something better and expand into multiple other poems of equal or greater quality.
Eyes watching me
Following me closely
Trying to break me
Never losing their gaze
The walls closing in
Trapping me
Making me lose my mind
Capturing me for all time
The fire burning with an eternal gaze
Burning at my heart
Blinding out all
Devouring at my soul
The world disappeared
Leaving an emptiness in my mind
My soul failing to fight back
My heart giving in
I feel like it is missing an extra "umph." What do y'all think?
BTW, Friezy, that is pretty good. Will you be my sensei?