+- CDBZ Archive (http://alex.zulenka.com)
+-- Forum: Out of Character Forums (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=8)
+--- Forum: The Legendary Asylum (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=133)
+---- Forum: Workshop (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=32)
+---- Thread: Brian's Lament (/showthread.php?tid=5778)
Brian's Lament - Vegeta - 11-04-2005
this was written for a friend.
---
the salt of our tears still fresh on your hands
the ending to this story came
many pages too soon
the writer adds to other stories with brash pen strokes, readers skip this chapter
and will not read
but you will not be forgotten
we hold your memory here
a fragile indent on the world you left
one we will never ignore
i am sorry you left so soon
wish you could have stayed another night
another minute
another breath
we know you could have become so great
but you were robbed of the chance
all we can do to honor you
is to never forget
the beat of your heart
the rhythm of your breath
the words you spoke in such careful glances
growing, becoming, blooming
you will always be one of the beautiful ones
Brian's Lament - Hellfighter 17 - 11-05-2005
Hmm. This one seemed a bit off. I'm used to having to think of a meaning in your pieces, and I'm not syaing that more straight-forward stuff is entirely bad, but at about the beginning you related his life to a book, whidch I thought wa spretty good, but then you turned it into basically saying the same thing and straight-forward, too, which makes it a bit out of tune and repetitive. Also, the first line does not really match the style of the 'straight-forward bit either. =/ Hope I didn't sound too mah-hean. I would of read it sooner, but I was on the computer at the school at lunch which sucks so your thread wasn't new anymore =(
Brian's Lament - Old Dave - 11-05-2005
considering this was for my brother go jump in a lake >.> I like it.