+- CDBZ Archive (http://alex.zulenka.com)
+-- Forum: Out of Character Forums (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=8)
+--- Forum: RPG Discussion (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=125)
+--- Thread: C&C (First Bout) (/showthread.php?tid=5996)
C&C (First Bout) - Ander - 11-23-2005
Never read your works, and I don't know who you were last time.
"Crisp" soil? "Crisp" works for air, or food, doesn't strike me as a great modifier for soil.
Quote:Originally posted by Noku
His right arm was slung back - ready to strike, his left extended forward - palm out, while his legs were spread apart - prepared to pounce. And pounce they did!
Um, huh? This sentence structure, while meant to build up anticipation, is a little confusing. Try splitting it up a little.
Quote:Revised
His right arm was slung back, ready to strike, the left extended forward with palm out. His legs were spread apart, prepared to pounce. And pounce they did!
It doesn't look like I did much, and maybe I'm just a little slow, but I don't like having to go back a reread something for clarity. This is simpler and more comprehensive, for me anyway. Try commas instead of dashes.
I enjoyed the immediate intensity of the spar, although "ki energy" is a little redundant, as "ki" (or the Chinese version "chi") means energy in Japanese. In the fight, you use the word "shots" a lot. Try to switch it up with "bolts" or "blasts" or something similar for variation. Don't get stuck on one word, especially if you use it more than once unneccessarily in a single sentence, although it did work for a little while before getting stale. Noku's ploy of getting hit on purpose was a nice bit to add in; it's not something you'd see every day. You roleplayed the two as equals, so Noku's speed wouldn't be enough to keep him away from Yamcha for long, at least not long enough to get an accurate readout from the scouter.
Aside from what I mentioned above, your post was short, but I liked it. You have a simple yet effective command of prose. I'd spar with you any day. Keep it up.