+- CDBZ Archive (http://alex.zulenka.com)
+-- Forum: Out of Character Forums (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=8)
+--- Forum: The Legendary Asylum (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=133)
+---- Forum: Workshop (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=32)
+---- Thread: Twice Around the Wrists ---- Come. Help. (/showthread.php?tid=6016)
Twice Around the Wrists ---- Come. Help. - Sullivan - 11-25-2005
Very emotional, highly descriptive. Creates a very grim feel, and the wording of everything is perfect. A masterpiece among short stories.
Twice Around the Wrists ---- Come. Help. - Android-18 - 11-25-2005
At first I thought the two were like...lesbians. =X
I liked it, I couldn't stop reading.
Twice Around the Wrists ---- Come. Help. - Ruhiel - 11-25-2005
Quote:I?m fine.? Mary cut her off with a stern brow that looked oddly out of place on her otherwise flighty visage. ?The neighbor's a nice girl. and we?ve got a little agreement, anyway. So,? She paused a moment, weighing out decisions. ?This is the first night out we?ve had in months..? The middle-aged but not showing it woman with auburn hair sipped at her bitter excuse for coffee. ?What?s on the menu??
That one little bit read weird to me. It did give me a very good description of Mary, however, I still stumbled over it a bit. Maybe play around with the words a bit until it flows real well. Or maybe just leave it alone, I'm not sure what else could really be done.
Quote:Mary waved goodbye as Jane disappeared through an unmarked door in the back of the room. As her footsteps faded Mary?s sons? cough came to life in another room and she too, disappeared to tend him.
Subject disagreement. Is there only one son, or are there two? In the next paragraph you said "he" implying just one, but here it's plural. Just move the apostrophe back, and it will agree.
In general, this was very well written. I didn't like it personally, plot-wise, because I don't like stories that are so depressing and end with suicide. But personal opinion aside, the piece was very well done. The only other thing I could say is that you use only two periods in your elipsis, instead of three like it usually is. Good job.