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+--- Thread: Can i get some C&C? (/showthread.php?tid=6621)
Can i get some C&C? - Alexander Trafford - 01-29-2006
In this thread.
Someone read maybe the last one, and if you have time a few more and just let me know how i can improve. Kinda feelin like i've hit a rut lately, and it's making me irritated everytime i post thinking i can write better. Also can i get some comments on what I've done with Minoshia's personality and anger problems, etc. Thank you for your time.
Can i get some C&C? - Ander - 01-31-2006
Okay, man, here we go: technical stuff.
Your first sentence:
Quote:Originally posted by Minoshia
Crimson red beads of energy fluttered back against the main fiery superpower aura that surrounded the Konatsa-jin warrior.
At first it struck me as being overly worded (not big words, just too many), and then I realized it was "main fiery superpower" that got me. His aura is what you are trying to describe, so either make the aura the subject of a separate sentence or limit the description to one or two words.
Second sentence:
Quote:Originally posted by Minoshia
His hands twitching, waiting for them to be drenched in blood.
That's not a complete sentence, it's a fragment. All you need to do is conjoin it with another, or throw in the word "were" between 'hands' and 'twitching.' I like to frag sentences myself for effect, , and I don't know if you're trying to do that or not, but the mental stutter doesn't work here. You do it a few more times in the post.
Also, something you do that you've continued is capitalize things in a sentence that shouldn't be capitalized.
Quote:Examples
A.) The Prince stood strong, Aura still blazing as ferociously as it was.
B.) "Where the Fuck did he go!?"
C.) They all watched as the massive missiles approached the Crimson warrior in the sky
In Examples A and B, those words shouldn't be capitalized unless they're at the beginning of the sentence. Now, in C, unless it was a reference to a nickname or some kind of proclaimed title (in which case "warrior" should also be capitalized), "crimson" shouldn't be capitalized. "Crimson warrior" in any other form is just a lengthy pronoun. I'm pretty sure you mean it as a title.
As for the material itself, you have a knack for the embodiment of a killer's psychosis. It's actually kind of creepy, but in a good way, I hope. =)
You remain consistent in your description of genocide, although the tone is a little quieter than your previous works. Instead of being out in the open, Minoshia is doing more of a Michael Meyers kind of thing. Good stuff though.