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+--- Thread: Some C&C please (/showthread.php?tid=7057)
Some C&C please - CoolSpice - 03-16-2006
The Last Dance of Fire(Spiritken Training)
It's not done yet. I am sort of taking it slow and trying not to make it all battle based, but also based on the relationships Spice forms with people. It will heat up soon though. I have it all layed out in my head.
But for now, I could use some C&C on what I got. If you would be so kind, but it's up to you.
Some C&C please - CoolSpice - 03-22-2006
None?
I do realise that there may be many mistakes and typos that word didn't pick up on, and i'm sorry for that.
Any comments at all?
Some C&C please - Kazuya - 03-22-2006
I'm getting to it!! Don't worry!
Ill have something here in the next few days or something...kinda busy man. ^_^
Some C&C please - Ander - 03-30-2006
Random thought: when I was Spice (first one, actually) he was deemed a transformer, as he is Makyo-jin, the same race as Garlic Jr. Kakashi's image was used for his appearance by a previous one, but I didn't think that changed him from what he was. No problem, really, it just confused me.
Truly, there's very little I think you're lacking in. Your description is amazing, and you can put a coherent sentence together with what seems like little effort. You employ several aspects of writing without totally fucking it up. It's nice to see my former character done justice. Few things (there's always something), however: your dialogue is kinda of...wrong.
Quote:Example A
?I think I?ll be alright.? Replied Spice.
Fixededededed
?I think I?ll be alright,? replied Spice.
Example B
?If you would like, I can buy you a refreshment.? Said a man on the path in front of Spice.
Fixededededed
?If you would like, I can buy you a refreshment,? said a man on the path in front of Spice.
Check this under the dialogue section.
Quote:Originally written by Spice
?I can see that.? Replied the voice from the Shadows.
"Shadows" isn't capitalized.
That's really what I got for ya. You don't seem to have problems doing anything else. His personality is well-defined, and you go for the "acceptance" angle. It's a breath of fresh air.
One plot nitpick though: did the deaf girl go deaf after developing full speech capablities, or was she born deaf? Even if she had the ability to phonetically pronounce words before she went deaf, that ability would slowly deteriorate over time because she can no longer hear what she is saying. If she was born deaf, she wouldn't know how to speak words without severely mangling them. I only know because a good friend of mind signs fluent ASL and takes care of a deaf man. I did like that you incorporated a handicap, though, especially since it is so detrimental to a fighter, who would have to work extra hard to compensate for a lost sense.
Some C&C please - CoolSpice - 04-02-2006
Quote:?Yes. We are not the actual people you know, not the people you met before, and I am not deaf. Let me explain the details that you cannot fill in?? she started.
I think I get where your coming from, and if I do, then I hope this answers your question.
Like the others the original was taken away. The original was deaf, but the not the replacement. Of course she needed to learn sign language before to make it look like nothing changed. Yeah, I suppose I should have explained that a bit more.
Thanks for the tips and link. I knew here were some mistakes but never saw where though. I suppose word just didn't pick up on them.
Thanks again.
[EDIT: Does that clear things up a bit?]
Some C&C please - Ander - 04-06-2006
Ah, I get where you're coming from a little better. A little confusing, but I like the twist. *thumbs up*
Some C&C please - CoolSpice - 04-10-2006
Getting close to the end. Te climactic final battle is coming. Just wrote my second largest post evah! 8377 characters. I feel happy about it.
Glad I answered your question. Looking back now I can see a few errors, but oh well. What's done is done.
Thanks again for the advice. I'm gonna print off your RP Guide page so I can get better at writing.
Some C&C please - CoolSpice - 04-13-2006
Super Kinky Bump!
Some C&C please - CoolSpice - 05-24-2006
Figured I would say this.
It's finally done!
Yeah, it took me a while, but that's because of a depression I hit. Now I should be much more active. Lol, just realised I accidentaly double posted the final post. Oops.
So yeah, just figured I would say that.
Thanks to Yamu and Bardock on the feedback.