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+--- Thread: C&C on my Spiritken training (/showthread.php?tid=7115)
C&C on my Spiritken training - Old Captain Silver - 03-23-2006
Could I get some C&C on my training so far?
The Hunter/Prey Realationship
I would really appreciate it. Thanks in advance!
C&C on my Spiritken training - Old Captain Silver - 03-25-2006
bump
C&C on my Spiritken training - Old Captain Silver - 03-28-2006
bump again. I really need the C&C
C&C on my Spiritken training - Alsa - 03-30-2006
Good.
7/10
Quote:RULES
3.) If you?re going to give constructive criticism and comments, be as helpful and specific as you possibly can, avoiding short, two sentence compliments like ?this is really good? or ?you?re a great writer? and the classic ?this sucks.? Be able to support your C&C with excerpts from the passage you are reviewing, especially with criticism.
EDIT: The effort is most likely appreciated, but read up, will ya?
C&C on my Spiritken training - Ander - 03-30-2006
You should spend a little time to write these in Word, and just copy/paste them into the post box. It would eliminate a lot of your small errors, such as spelling. A fine example of this is your peculiar way of spelling "going" (goning).
Quote:Originally posted by Silver
Slowly, Silver approched the wounded Tiger but it would not let the human near it.
"Tiger" isn't capitalized ever, unless it's at the beginning of a sentence or a formal name (i.e., the animal's name, not just species, is "Tiger"), in which case you wouldn't have the word "the" in front of it.
Plotwise, honestly, the first post didn't really pull me in. I was kind of bored. Understandable, because you have to build on the first post, and it's difficult to make it interesting right away. My interest was slightly piqued at the idea of your two characters eating squirrel, which doesn't have a lot of meat at all, and who would want to hunt squirrel anyway? They're like pets or something. I was slightly disappointed that your motivation for Spiritken was revenge, but that's your perogative, so go ahead and run with it. Just...try to give him something else to do besides that, okay?
You really caught my attention when Silver engaged Roshec, especially when you revealed that Silver (my interpretation, anyway) has a prejudice against androids. While it's pretty easy to have bigotry towards a specific race, it at least shows character depth. Now I want to see exactly why Silver doesn't like them. Maybe I'll find out if I keep reading, I think. So, you've given incentive for me to read more. Keep pushing for that depth. Reveal different angles about him. Make him truly human!
Quote:Originally posted by Silver
Your gonna die here and I'll be the one to finish it.
Wrong one. That word is possessive; the contraction "you're" (you are) is the one you're looking for.
While the ending between Silver and Cara was kind of a nice touch, I felt like it lacked the emotion it deserved. Sure, his heart was pounding. Any guy (don't care who you are) will feel that physically, but what was he thinking? I'd like to see that moment revisited somehow!
Overall, your roleplays were interesting enough to hold my attention for more than five seconds, but I feel there is a lot you can do with it. Keep working at it.
C&C on my Spiritken training - Old Captain Silver - 03-30-2006
The first couple ones I didn't have access to a word program. I just recently got a new one. The revenge thing, not really revenge. He is basically trying to protect himself and cara. Thanks for the c&c bardock. It really helped!
C&C on my Spiritken training - Old Captain Silver - 04-10-2006
I've had some new posts and would like to know how I'm improving and what I still need to improve upon.
The Hunter/Prey Relationship