+- CDBZ Archive (http://alex.zulenka.com)
+-- Forum: Out of Character Forums (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=8)
+--- Forum: RPG Discussion (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=125)
+--- Thread: C&C on my current progress (/showthread.php?tid=7116)
C&C on my current progress - Blue - 03-23-2006
I know it should be alot longer, and I'm sorry. I hope to come up with a good next post in the near future. Might surprise you. Then again, it might just be lame.
Fighting For a Better Life
C&C on my current progress - Ander - 03-30-2006
You were doing really well in the first three paragraphs. I was very impressed, until I caught you slipping intp first person writing, which I personally frown upon, and is generally frowned upon in Chubbs. It's not consistent; you go in and out, but it is there.
Quote:Originally written by Blue
Wincing, Blue forces himself away from those painful memories[<-- first person], [third person -->]the faces of those that had died that day. Now, a shadow of his former self, the charismatic leader couldn?t even find work with his past haunting him. With no where else to turn, he turned to street fighting. Enticing paying challengers with a free first blow, he?d made a killing.
Such work only lasts so long though, and now Blue found himself at another dead end. This is why he was living with this woman, not for love or lust, but out of necessity [<-- third person]. [first person -->]Wiping the grime of her lipstick from his lips, he moves into the bathroom as she leaves.
After this point, you fall heavily into first person. Stop it!
Other than that, your persona is made perfectly clear, especially when you point out a random crowd person as being "some lard-ass." The Choujis of this world seem to be down-trodden, but it is a personal touch none-the-less. Later, you also include the lovely phrase "blowing chunks" as replacement for vomiting. You throw out names around with reckless abandon. I like your straight-up writing.
It was somewhat interesting that you threw that nasty Bacterian in there. Since Blue clearly has a nose, he'll have a more difficult time defeating him. The fight itself was pretty easy to follow, and original enough to not be a turn-off, until you injected the oh-so-corny phrase "our hero." Not only does that blatantly make you narrator instead of writer, but I couldn't help but laugh out loud at that campy line.
Don't get me wrong--you're good and I can see some serious talent, but I cannot stress enough that you need to write in third person. It's irritating when you seem like a narrator.
C&C on my current progress - Blue - 03-30-2006
You know, I never noticed I did that. I'll need to be more careful from now on. It'll take some work though, so bear with me. It's hard to throw a habit like that. As for the hero thing... um, I was running out of ideas to keep from writing 'Blue' a million times. ^_^;;;
C&C on my current progress - Blue - 03-30-2006
Sorry about the double post, but just wondering: Should I do past or present tense? I know most of what I do is present.
C&C on my current progress - Kazuya - 03-30-2006
You know there is a ten minute edit thing, right? *Sorry to spam...thought i'd pop that in here.*
Quote:Originally posted by Bardock
You were doing really well in the first three paragraphs. I was very impressed, until I caught you slipping intp first person writing, which I personally frown upon, and is generally frowned upon in Chubbs. It's not consistent; you go in and out, but it is there.
quote:
Originally written by Blue
Wincing, Blue forces himself away from those painful memories[<-- first person], [third person -->]the faces of those that had died that day. Now, a shadow of his former self, the charismatic leader couldn?t even find work with his past haunting him. With no where else to turn, he turned to street fighting. Enticing paying challengers with a free first blow, he?d made a killing.
Such work only lasts so long though, and now Blue found himself at another dead end. This is why he was living with this woman, not for love or lust, but out of necessity [<-- third person]. [first person -->]Wiping the grime of her lipstick from his lips, he moves into the bathroom as she leaves.
After this point, you fall heavily into first person. Stop it!
Other than that, your persona is made perfectly clear, especially when you point out a random crowd person as being "some lard-ass." The Choujis of this world seem to be down-trodden, but it is a personal touch none-the-less. Later, you also include the lovely phrase "blowing chunks" as replacement for vomiting. You throw out names around with reckless abandon. I like your straight-up writing.
It was somewhat interesting that you threw that nasty Bacterian in there. Since Blue clearly has a nose, he'll have a more difficult time defeating him. The fight itself was pretty easy to follow, and original enough to not be a turn-off, until you injected the oh-so-corny phrase "our hero." Not only does that blatantly make you narrator instead of writer, but I couldn't help but laugh out loud at that campy line.
Don't get me wrong--you're good and I can see some serious talent, but I cannot stress enough that you need to write in third person. It's irritating when you seem like a narrator.
As for me, basically everything what he said. Why iterate something so poignintly and perfectly put?
C&C on my current progress - Ander - 04-06-2006
Quote:Originally posted by Blue
Sorry about the double post, but just wondering: Should I do past or present tense? I know most of what I do is present.
Past tense, definitely.
C&C on my current progress - Blue - 04-19-2006
Here's the link to a spar I'm currently in. I just wanna know if I'm doing better now or if I'm still confused.
C&C on my current progress - Ander - 04-22-2006
You are most assuredly no longer confused. In fact, I like your writing even better the way it is now. Way to improve. There are still a few errors (mostly punctuational), but I can overlook them. I gotta say, you've become one of my favorite reads. Your character is very anti-hero, which is becoming pretty commonplace these days, but I like him.
C&C on my current progress - Blue - 04-24-2006
Aw! Commonplace? *sighs* That sucks. I guess I'll just hafta work harder to be unique. Thanks for the review and the encouragement. I needed it.
C&C on my current progress - Ander - 04-26-2006
I didn't mean to make that sound like a put-down, but that introverted, apathetic, I-don't-care-what-the-hell-you-think attitude thing is a big trend for characters. It's not everywhere, but it's not new. Hell, my Bardock was that way.