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+--- Thread: The return - spiritken training: in summary (/showthread.php?tid=7128)
The return - spiritken training: in summary - Kazuya - 03-26-2006
I have followed this sk training basically since you started it, and I like the way you portray Bebi as a good guy in contrast with the show's portrayal of him as the antagonistic asshole he is. Nice job on that. The way you presented your saga was a bit different, a refreshing reprise from the norm.
I just have a few concerns however and it just mainly pertains to grammar and punctuation. Whilst reading this, I have noticed you use periods alot. A LOT, even where it would have been crucial to use a comma instead, it just breaks the thought into sentence fragments instead. For example:
Quote:Bebi held is body up. His hands burned and sizzled under the intense amount of dark energy they maintained to hold at bay. There was silence in a moment of time. As Bebi shut his eyes and thought to himself. Afterward he wept a single tear as the realization finally hit him like an epiphany from the heavens. He smiled.
It can be better written as:
Quote: Bebi held his body up, hands burning and sizzling under the intense amount of dark energy they had managed to hold at bay. There was a silence in a moment of time, as Bebi shut his eyes and thought to himself. A single tear slid down his cheek as the realization finally hit him like an epiphany from the heavens, and smiled.
Sometimes a change in the structure of how you present your wordings can make a difference and hold the readers attention, instead of leaving them somewhat confused.
I did enjoy this story however, don't get me wrong, just sometimes, and I think it is just me, grammar is one of my pet peeves, even though occasionally, I make the mistake myself. ^_^
My favorite part of your spiritken training was the future segment you did. yes, the future is an uncertainty, and I have been inspired of late to elaborate further on that future part you had included. It shan't be a long bit, but enough to cover what the future would have been like. I think in the future, we can roleplay this together, perhaps when we have nothing else going on. I think it may prove interesting.
The ending to this was well put, very vivid. I enjoyed that part more perhaps than the majority (all excepting that future bit...) because it was just the pinnacle of Bebi overcoming his self doubt and breaking through to attain that new level of being. Very nicely written.
9/10
(the punctuation kinda killed that one point...
)
The return - spiritken training: in summary - Ashe - 03-26-2006
Quote:Originally posted by Bebi
At least someone "eventually" notices it. *Grumbles.
I hope you are not referring to me. I forwarded it to Raditzu and Hellfighter started a discussion in the staff board about this. A decision will not be immediate.
The return - spiritken training: in summary - Kazuya - 03-26-2006
I think he was talking about me, Rei. He only immed me like...50 times asking me to review it. These things take time, and well...he ran outta patience..or alcohol...whichever. =P <3 Bebi