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+--- Thread: Feedback (/showthread.php?tid=7312)
Feedback - Kazuya - 04-17-2006
I have noticed that recently my posts have been losing focus, slowly, progressively losing that touch since I began here. Reviewing some of my older Rp's I have tried to thrust myself back into that state of mind, keeping the focus on Vi's character development instead of character relationships..and I believe I may have created something cool.
http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/thread.php?postid=210940#post210940
My latest post. I have busted out something that has probably been one of my better RP's lately. If I can get some C&C or just comments on this, that will help me see if I am on the right track again.
thanks guys!
Vi
Feedback - Ander - 04-22-2006
Twice now I have tried to reply to your request, only for it to each time tell me I am not logged on (when I've logged on and re-logged on several times) and then delete the box of comments that took a good twenty minutes each to write and re-write. Give me about twenty-four hours to cool off, and I'll try again.
Feedback - Kazuya - 04-22-2006
Its ok, Bardock ^_^ Thank you, and take your time. I am in no rush. I appreciate you thinking of me.
Feedback - Kazuya - 04-23-2006
Actually, if I can get thoughts on this that would be great. I tried to go back to my original way of writing (Not really used here, but, its something that makes me feel more comfortable)
Feedback - Ander - 04-26-2006
Interlude of Imperfections
Vi's C&C, take three.
I really liked how you did the initial flashback in colored quote. It set it apart from the rest of the post and marked its overall importance, conveying that it has relevance to the character and any subsequent events, even if it has no apparent tie with the current story (which it does). At least, that's my take. When I read, I make a movie in my head, which is kind of how I write. So, as I create this little picture show, I like to know where the initial focus is coming from.
Your description is absolutely amazing. No one can deny that. I can feel the tension and all these other emotions just flying off the page. That's good, but unfortunately, that's where you lose me.
You switch from third person to first person. Even if that's not intentional, that's how it comes off to me. When the transition is made, it's really sudden and detracts from the overall poignancy that you are trying to get across, because to understand it now I have to go back and re-read. You refer to Violet in the third person, and yet logic would tell me that this is her story. I understand that this is being narrated through the eyes of the person reliving it, but why refer to Violet in the third person and then later switch to first? Since the beginning is where you set anchor, you want it to be as flawless and smooth as possible from both writer and reader angles. I also didn't understand when you mentioned a name beginning with 'N' and then the rest of it is dashed out. You later drop it again (not the same amount of hyphens), and finally used 'Nathaniel.' If the three names are indeed one and the same, why cross it out the first two times? What purpose does that serve? Maybe it has meaning, but it wasn't readily apparent.
I said before your description was excellent: it is, but you do a lot more telling than showing. A big rule of writing is SHOW, DON'T TELL. I believe it was Hellfighter who mentioned that a few times in the past. For example:
Quote:Originally written by VioletI thought the simile was brilliant, but do you know what that chunk looks like? It's a whole big list. It looks like you're checking off the descriptions you want to get across to the reader: hair, dress, and finally expression. As a reader, I don't want to be indoctrinated. I want you to show me, not tell me. You do this by action, by movement, or otherwise any sort of activity that may suggest these details, rather than highlighting them. Do I violate the Show, Don't Tell rule? Absolutely. I don't know of anyone here (or a lot of professional writers for that matter) who haven't been guilty of it at one time or another.
Her white-blond hair was parted into two sections, braided and strung around her shoulders, tied at the ends with a garland of silver roses. Her dress was a very delicate pink, so pale, it looked like the rarest of pearls were liquefied and poured over her skin. She was beaming like a psycho, holding her bouquet of baby's breath and red wildflowers.
Quote:Cool Bardock's revisionI admit, I embellished a little. Do the two seem much different? Not really. I don't have a talent for demonstration, but do you see how the first one is telling, and the second is letting actions speak for the description? Hopefully you kind of get the gist of it.
A few strands of white-blond hair brushed at her beautiful face, managing to escape the twin braids that hung about her shoulders, despite being tied at the ends with a garland of silver roses. As she moved, her delicately pink dress shifted fluidly with each subtle motion, giving off the illusion that liquefied pearls had been poured over her skin and the two had become one. The corners of her lips upturned, splitting her powdered cheeks in the widest grin to ever grace her face. Her very presence was surrounded by the striking aroma that wafted from her bouqet of baby's breath and wildflowers.
Quote:Originally written by VioletNever use asterisks again. The only exemptions are if you are trying to relay the exact wording of a sign, bulletin, computer coding, or any of the like, or you're using it in reference to a footnote at the bottom of the post. Asterisks seem unprofessional to me, and I categorize them along with "u" and "no1" and all of those other things. Use quotation marks instead. The joke was funny, though.
...*gifted*.
Is it just me, or does the basis of your character's plot seem kind of Kill Bill-ish? The wedding, The Bride, the pregnancy, the outlandishly witty yet maniacally sinister behavior?
These are examples of technical things to improve upon. The top is yours, and the bottom is mine, bolded in the fixed parts.
Quote:ExamplesHopefully you understand that these are just repetitive mistakes. Capitalization doesn't seem to be your thing.
1. "Don't be nervous, honey..." He whispered
1. "Don't be nervous, honey," he whispered.
(Unless he's trailing off from the something else he wanted to say but didn't, or picks up the dialogue in another sentence, use a comma, not an elipses. Either way, you do not capitalize the next word after the quotation mark. Never, never, never, unless it's the beginning of a new sentence which does not tie in with the dialogue. You do that several more times in the post.)
2. "I'm not." I lied.
2. "I'm not," I lied.
(Comma, not a period. 9 times out of 10, you should use a comma.)
3. "Halt!" A voice said from the back. the whole congregation whipped their heads back to see who had the gall to interrupt such an intimate ceremony.
3. "Halt!" a voice said from the back. The whole congregation whipped their heads back to see who had the gall to interrupt such an intimate ceremony.
(Capitalize the beginning of a sentence, and don't captialize the next word after a quotation mark.)
4. "No...Nathaniel..."I cried. his eyes glazed over, and then, the darkness consumed me whole. Nathaniel was gone.
4. "No...Nathaniel..." I cried. His eyes glazed over, and then, the darkness consumed me whole. Nathaniel was gone.
(The captialized "I" is okay, because by itself it always is, but capitalize the first word in a sentence.)
5. ...?Security measure? Had been...
5. ...?security measure? had been...
I have a confession. I know the whole "Kami" reference was a substitute for the word 'God,' which is great, because it's blending DBZ universe into your work. I myself like to use the word 'Kai,' and I've seen other people do similar things. The moment was supposed to be tender and deep, but for just a split second, I laughed out loud, because I mistook the meaning and context of the word. I know. I'm a horrible person. Don't hate me.
There are things I think are a plus: the humor (as in, "What are you looking at, you little dick.") and your word choice (as in, The whole room erupted in gunfire...). You're not bad (far from it), but you are a work in progress.
IMPERFECTIONS
Bam! First person soliloquy (as a starter or a finisher) is excellent. Normally I'm not down for FP in most forms, but this definitely works as an opener and I like it. I might even steal it, just like someday I'm going to steal BJ's incorporation of song into a post. I do like that although you generally write in TP (third person), you always make sure to include Violet's point of view on the subject. Like Buu being a prick, for example. You make it very clear how Violet thinks of him.
This post is very dramatic and deep, in an anime philosophy-like way. I think it gives good depth on Violet's character, even if it might be a recap of transgressions. On this one, I really don't have much in the way of improvement, other than the things I've mentioned above technical-wise.
Feedback - Kazuya - 04-26-2006
I love you for life, now, Bardock
You are right, it does sound rather Kill Bill-ish. I am a huge fan of that movie, and using some of the elements to get me started in the beginning when I joined here just og thte ball rolling for me to write Vi. Call it inspiration, or whatnot, I don't mind. I just thought it was kick ass in the beginning.
The colored parts of that post was a chunk from an earlier post (In fact, I believe it was the second roleplay I have done here, waaaaaay back in my Dreams thread. I could have fixed it when I wrote that post, but I was rather torn on whether I should keep it original, or fix it and have some inconsistencies or whatnot.
I am usually a first person perspective writer, I am not much for third person, but Chubbs is helping out with that lil bit. Basically, I use [....] as it is my own style, the only real thing I can do visually to put my signature in there. I try and make it seem that one bit leads on to the next, but there may be a better way of doing this, and I am a bitch for grammar and punctuation. ^_^
Thank you, B. I really appreciate you taking time out to read my posts. You don't know how much it makes me happy to know someone enjoys my writing, even if it may have its flaws.
-Vi