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+--- Thread: i need some C&C (/showthread.php?tid=7313)
i need some C&C - Old Captain Silver - 04-17-2006
just on this post though. I really need to know how I did on this thing, seeing as how it is a turning point in Silver's life.
http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/thread.php?postid=210471#post210471
i need some C&C - Ander - 04-18-2006
Since it is still a part of your Spiritken training, you could have put it under that thread to avoid multiple posting and just asked for comment on said post.
Give me some time to look it over and give it the consideration it deserves.
I have to ask, though: where the hell do you get your names from?
i need some C&C - Old Captain Silver - 04-19-2006
Quote:Originally posted by Cool Bardock
Since it is still a part of your Spiritken training, you could have put it under that thread to avoid multiple posting and just asked for comment on said post.
Give me some time to look it over and give it the consideration it deserves.
I have to ask, though: where the hell do you get your names from?
I make them up. I don't really like using un origanal names for things. Why? they to wierd?
i need some C&C - Yamu - 04-19-2006
I will hopefully have some free time tommrow to get to it.
i need some C&C - Yamu - 04-21-2006
Well at least you knew about the spelling mistakes. I don?t know of any sites but I know Garlic Jr. as posted a link to a couple on occasion?maybe he?ll breeze through here and do it again.
I REALLY liked a lot of parts in your RP. The whole image of Cara coming in and Silver being speechless I fell for because it reminds me of times between me and Mary K. I would have gone into greater detail though?I think that is one of those moments where you can take a whole paragraph describing how the light danced in her hair and the fabric of her dress clung to the luscious curves he so loved. Ect ect
The major problem I had was it kinda felt like I was reading a post by ?Cara? not Captain Silver. It might have just been that post, but A LOT of the post was her not Captain Silver. I admire the interaction between the two, and the way thyou have created genuine emotion between them but you should concentrate more on your own character and not so much your NPC.
Personally I dislike specifics. Like ?10 minutes? and ?Five doctors?. Things like that can usually be left to the reader?s imagination and let them feel less FORCED into a way of thinking.
I would have used more tattoo imagery. It seems like something that is going to be a big part of you next RPs and I would have gone into slightly greater detail as it crawled up his arm, ect.
Finally, I think you forced the information down the reader?s throat. Kael on the phone and the doctors just seemed TOO knowledgeable. Things like that can have some mystery?keep us reading until the next post. We didn?t need to know that it preserved his life RIGHT then?maybe the doctor talking to her out in the hall could explain it all. The phone call also seemed to dump a lot of information in a very short span.
Basically?if it isn?t VITAL to right then, save it for later. Suspense is the spice of life in writing. Mystery and the unknown can really excel you writing to places you haven?t known.
I hope this helped?and do try and find an online spell checker. I loved the story and the scenes you created and I just thing if you spread the information overload over a few more posts you?ll get Spiritkin.
Good luck, Captain Silver.
i need some C&C - Old Captain Silver - 04-21-2006
Thank you yamu!
I am still working on pumping out deatils. Thats still a major tough spot i nead to refine. Also, I out lots of info in because that is who I am, otherwise I get confused when I read it over. I will take your C&C into consideration and hopefully I will have shown some improvement in my next post.
i need some C&C - Ander - 04-26-2006
Quote:Originally posted by Captain Silver
OOC: Filled with spelling errors
You are definitely right about that, "mah boy." You could always use this when in doubt. I strongly recommend that you download Word or use a library computer or something.
As an aside, way to keep trying. The last person to successfully get Spiritken was Bebi, I believe, and he cranked out a fifteen-poster chock full of plotty goodness before he got it. So, just keep plugging away.
Love for someone else is an admirable reason to fight, but you need a more convincing reason than that. Selflessness is dandy and all, but what about Silver? I think you should go a little more in depth with him. There's got to be something else you can use besides "I need the power to protect Cara!" you sappy, sappy man. I mean that will all due respect. Otherwise, Yamu's pretty much got you covered.