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+--- Thread: omg critisizm plz (/showthread.php?tid=7552)
omg critisizm plz - Jonathan Meer - 05-16-2006
http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/thread.php?postid=211896#post211896
My second-to-most recent post. Since this is pretty much characteristic of my focused style (as opposed to some of the shorter roleplays I write, which are mostly devoid of the perspectives of those other than Krillin), I was interested in knowing what the whole of Chubbs thinks I need to improve on. Including Bardock. =D
If you would, I'd greatly appreciate it. DA is coming up, and I need to know where I can improve.
omg critisizm plz - Ruhiel - 05-18-2006
I think I told you this before, but that whole post right there was brilliant. It's actually one of my favorite posts on here, because it has the tiniest things Krillin does affect so many people so dramatically. Especially the Girl Scouts. That one had me laughing out loud.
Seriously, I think that post right there is the near the best you've ever written. I'd love to be able to think up some of that stuff in my writing, and make it both funny, realistic and believable. If you need some more "in depth" C&C I'll go paragraph by paragraph, but this is my general thoughts as an overview.
omg critisizm plz - Jonathan Meer - 05-18-2006
Thanks man. My main questions are basically technical, though it's fantastic that you think it was pleasureable to read. That's always, of course, the number one goal of a writer.
These also go for everyone:
One, did the post flow well? Were there any hiccups that kinda caused you to stumble through it?
Two, was the word choice constructive, or destructive?
Three, were there any places of failed humor?
omg critisizm plz - Ander - 05-18-2006
Did the post flow well?
From what I've observed of you both in and out of character, you're a smart guy who knows a lot of stuff, or at least manages to leave that impression. The one thing that disrupted the flow for me was the paragraph explaining the whole camera/picture thing took my focus away from the material. Splitting focus can be a tool and an asset when you want to lead the reader in a different direction, and then hit them with the backburner. I understand that you integrated that knowledge later in the post, but I think you could have worked the information in a little better than a flat-out explanation. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy learning from you, and I have an interest in hearing what you have to say (even if it is random at times), but in this case it detracted from the point. Fine line between education and entertainment. Other than that, I liked the time hops. It displayed how your character actually affected the rest of the world, whereas a lot of time consequences of actions (be they good or bad) are not ever elaborated upon because there's a lot of tunnel vision. It was pretty weird and depressing about poor Boris, however.
Was the word choice constructive or destructive?
You do have a more sophisticated way of articulating yourself than others, but fortunately you also are able to balance that out by still playing to your audience most of the time. In general people tend to feel more comfortable with a level of dialect that is close to their own, so you should keep that in mind in your writing. You are constantly going from complex, description sentences and then switch it up with very simply worded ones that get the point across. Constructive.
Were there any places of failed humor?
The Polodak thing was kind of a running gag, and it was funny to me how Krillin obsessed over it and later the fall-out was why Boris killed himself. Morbid, morbid joke, but very well executed. Some of your expressions, and I don't know if they were intended to be humorous on not, were kind of lost on me, so I didn't really know how to take it. "...annoyed the urine right out of him..." was one of them. Those kinds of sentences reflect personal style, and can be taken as funny or just part of the story. The title "The Odd Couple" said it all. I found it amusing purely by the interaction of the two characters.
That's just my opinion, and for DA, it ain't me you gotta impress.
omg critisizm plz - Jonathan Meer - 05-18-2006
Thanks man. I've been making a conscious effort lately to keep my posts down a tad regarding vocabulary. For so long, I thought good writing was making a million and one compound-complex sentences, and using big words. Now, it's tough getting out of that.
Didn't know about the disruption with the camera part, though. I'll take a look at that. Thanks man. =D