+- CDBZ Archive (http://alex.zulenka.com)
+-- Forum: Out of Character Forums (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=8)
+--- Forum: RPG Discussion (http://alex.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=125)
+--- Thread: Spar: Bebi Vs. Pikkon (/showthread.php?tid=8515)
Spar: Bebi Vs. Pikkon - Shun - 07-29-2006
Im still new to rping but I think it was a very good spar I like how both of you acknowledged eachothers powers and didnt try to make yourself appear overly powerful.
Spar: Bebi Vs. Pikkon - Super Buu - 07-29-2006
Sorta reminded me of my first ever post, which was also a spar
One thing I've noticed with your writing is that you always have dialogue completely segregated from the rest of the writing. For example;
Quote:?I don?t need a reason.?
Came the words in a loud angry voice as the puddle lunged back and the forwards as two powerful beams of energy shot forth at the clothed opponent and whipped across.
I'd do this instead;
Quote:?I don?t need a reason,? came the words in a loud angry voice.
After which, you could either continue on the same paragraph or start a new paragraph for the next segment of action.
Some of the sentences seemed a bit bunched together, with no breathing room. Take, for example;
Quote:The alien spat out a purple mixture of blood and saliva onto the ground and charged the injured foe this time he was faster for some reason as if he had lost just as much weight as the other fighter.
You can improve it without even changing the words, just by breaking it up and adding commas;
Quote:The alien spat out a purple mixture of blood and saliva onto the ground, and charged the injured foe. This time he was faster for some reason, as if he had lost just as much weight as the other fighter.
As you can see, when it's broken up it's much easier to read.
Not much else to mention - for your first roleplay, it was pretty good. You'll tend to get better the more you practice, but I'd also highly recommend reading Bardock's Roleplaying Guide, stickied at the top of this very forum. It's an awesome reference, even for veterans.