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+--- Thread: Red Quadrant (/showthread.php?tid=8682)
Red Quadrant - Ander - 08-09-2006
Goku Junior/Bun, I'm sorry this is so late. Even if you have no use for it, I won't leave the request empty. I believe there's still something you can take away, even if you've changed characters.
Quote:Originally written by Goku JuniorGood opening sentence for a quote, and good description. It's simple, to the point, and gears you up for action. More examples of this:
A wild frenzy of ki bolts flew for the young boy, who dived everywhere he could to avoid taking a hit.
Quote:Originally written by Goku Junior
A fist tucked into his cheek, and knocked him off his own two feet, straight into the ground.
His hair blossomed into a great yellow, and his muscle mass increased.
When you have dialogue, and it switches to another character, separate them into two different paragraphs.
Quote:Originally written by Goku Junior
"Who-" Goku managed, before the saiya-jin cut in, "Ssshhh! Your mouth has gotten you into enough trouble, I'll answer to you later if you don't mind," he finished.
Bardock's revision
"Who-" Goku managed, before the other saiya-jin cut in.
"Ssshhh! Your mouth has gotten you into enough trouble. I'll answer to you later if you don't mind," he interrupted.
Although this has little relevance, you had Goku Junior set up for a fate similar to the elder Goku, but you made it different by having Torfus as a potential mentor and useable NPC, which could have put an interesting spin on things.
I enjoyed the battle scene overall.
It's a shame you switched, because you were a damn good Goku Junior, and you told me you had so many plans for him.