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+---- Thread: C&C for Sex Scene (/showthread.php?tid=8688)
C&C for Sex Scene - Abel - 08-10-2006
So my friend Tem, who is gay, needed help writing a straight sex scene. He didn't have any ideas and it's for revisions to his story based on our RPing characters back when we RPed in AOL chatrooms. My character was originally Joe, his was Tem. Joe and Tem did stuff together but Joe preferred women. He has a sister and they are both demons who ran from hell. Well in this point of time, Joe is mad at Tem, Tem mad at Joe, Naomi (Joe's sister) hates Tem and wants her brother to himself and Joe is mad at Vash during this scene. So from there along with other details I wrote a scene for him. Crit please.
Giggles emerged from the young girl as she heard the doorknow jiggle. In his left hand, Joe held his sister by her ass with her legs around him, straddling his waist while kissing while his right hand grabbed the doorknob, jiggled it once then turned it and opened. Smiles and small chuckles came from the drunken man as he kicked the door shut behind him. The powerful arms literally threw the evil girl onto the mattress. Landing, the girl gave a look of begging with her eyes, showing her brother that she wanted him. A smile curled on her innocent lips as she crawled to the head of the bed as Joe walked to the foot and got on.
Naomi grabbed his shirt and pulled it off of his torso leaving his chest bare. Licking his lips, the large man crawled on top of the girl and met her lips with his, entering into a passionate kiss. The girl forced her tounge into his mouth before he got to it and the two played tag back and forth with their tounges as hands groped different parts of their bodies.
With his eyes closed and his mouth occupied, Joe's rough hands ventured her body, covering every bit of her smooth skin. With a quick tug on the lace top, the man tore Naomi's top off, throwing it to the side and let it fall to the floor. This only excited the girl more as her arms moved around his neck as the two continued to kiss. The hands slowly made their way down his back to his lower back. Finding the waistband to his boxers and blue jeans, she pushed the waist band down and leaned forward so she could do so. Joe sat up to give her a better angle and as she pushed the clothing to his knees, his hands reached for her well formed 34C breasts.
In an instant, the hands moved down under her short leather skirt and he pulled on the black lace panties she had on. Arching her back, the lace slid down her slender legs with ease and she laid back down, allowing Joe to as well and also allowing the rest of his clothes to come off. A delicate hand reached between the two bodies as Naomi searched for his enlarged manhood. She found it with ease as it dangled between his legs and with a gentle touch, she pumped her arm up and down. This obviously excited her brother as he began breathing was soft moans in the depths of his throat. His eyelids were half closed as the two began to kiss again.
Joe's rough hands moved up and down his sister's body as he teased her with every inch he tracked. Sliding his hand from the inside of her thighs up to her breasts and back down. The soft hands of Naomi moved from his rod to his back and she squeezed his ass. He pulled back to see her biting her bottom lip with a seductive smile plastered on her face. Those large, beautiful brown eyes looked up at him as she dug her nails into him. The man winced in pain as she pulled him forward, wanting his engorged cock inside of her. He moved forward with a stupid grin on his face, wetness met the head of his penis as the man slid his manhood up and down the lips of her sex. Lubricated with juices, he finally moved towards her love hole and pushed forward. A gasp of breath came from Naomi as he penetrated her slowly. He moved in and out, slower than he usually would. He pumped a few times and stopped and pulled out. A curious look came from his sister.
In his intoxicated form, the man wanted to do something else. His words broke the silence between the two, save the heavier breaths and soft moaning, "Turn over, I want to do something else." His cock was almost dripping with her wetness and in her current form of lust, she didn't mind how she was getting it as long as he was giving it.
His rough hands grabbed her waist and in a second turned her around. With ass in air, Naomi burried her face into the pillow as she awaited the entry. Then she realized when she felt his penis probing her anus rather than her vagina. She was expecting doggy-style. Not this. "What are you doing!?"
It was too late. His manhood was forced into that of which had never seen a penis before. Her muscles contracted, gripping his rod and tried to push out. Pain ran through her body as he penetrated her ass and escaped with a scream into the night which was muffled as a hand reached forward and pushed her head in the pillow. Naomi's hands held the pillow tight as she screamed and his rod moved in and out of her bowels. Finally, her sphincter relaxed and her pain gave away to pleasure. Her body got used to it, accepted it, and it only made her wetter. Now she lifted herself onto her hands and moaned as he pushed into her, his hands on her hips. The rhythm sped up and got rougher.
She moaned with a little bit of pain but mostly pleasure as his hips crashed into her asscheeks. Although it was different, she loved it, and so did Joe. He exhaled heavily as he took deep breaths, he was getting close and he lost himself in lust as he started talking dirty to his sister, "Yeah....you like that...oh yeah! Yeah, Tem, you like taking it in the ass don't you, bitch!?"
With that, Naomi's moaning subsided and her whole mood changed as she replayed the name in her head. Tem. She hated that name and that man. Joe lied to her. He told her that he didn't have sex with that man anymore! Drawing her leg in, knee to her chest, she pushed it out instantly, kicking him in the upper thigh and pushing him off. He slid out as he fell backwards and with little bed space left, he fell backwards off of the bed, crashing onto the floor.
"What the fuck!?" He yelled, now in a drunken rage and especially worse as he was close to orgasm.
"You lied to be you dick! You still fuck Tem don't you!" She jumped at him, slapping, punching, biting, scratching, whatever worked. He opened the door and backed out, his clothes still inside. He tried to apologize as she was still beating on him down the hallway until he made it to the top of the staircase. Not realizing he was at the staircase, he tripped over the first step backwards and tumbled down as his sister screamed harsh words towards him. The naked man fell backwards onto the ground from the steps and looked over to Vash behind the bar.
"Shut up." Were the only two words that came from Joe as his previously hard cock softened and fell with a silent slap onto his stomach.
C&C for Sex Scene - Kaden - 08-10-2006
Only one thing threw me off in that post:
Quote:Originally posted by Tapion
his hands reached for her well formed 34C breasts.
Ditch the measurement. Its just awkward. You're good enough of a writer to convey the exact same thing with a mental image instead of relying on a static figure to throw a preconception at your reader.
EDIT: Also, a couple of times you used "the" instead of "his" or "her" which is equally awkward. Unless, of course, you're trying to throw in some disembodied hands molesting these people while they're gettin' bouncy.
C&C for Sex Scene - Alexander Trafford - 08-10-2006
Pretty good writing, but the topic of having sex with your sister, pretending it's a gay was rather disturbing.