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+---- Thread: C & C on some writing. (/showthread.php?tid=9090)
C & C on some writing. - Jinpo - 09-13-2006
This is a story based on David Sedaris's Me Talk Pretty One Day. I wrote this in his style.
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Magic Man
I started out doing small time gigs, entertaining audiences consisting mainly of small children. The looks of astonishment were to be expected as I would pull the not-so-traditional Chihuahua out of my hat. Oohs and Aahs filled the homes of the birthday boys and girls. I, on the other hand, stood in front of the crowd with an expression I could only describe as bored to death. Luckily for me, a big time promoter was in the audience and was down on his luck. His last magician was killed when his tiger bit his head off. After the routine, he approached me and soon I was performing on a large stage in front of thousands of people. Of course, I could now saw myself in half without tears erupting from the audience. The same Oohs and Aahs flooded the building, but the difference was that these were sophisticated Oohs and Aahs. Marquees lit up with the headline ?David Sedaris ? The Magic Man? and word quickly spread that I was the best thing since sliced bread, and I agreed.
Did I mention that I actually have powers?
As I child, everything came to me. Literally. I discovered at a very early age that I could do anything I wanted, any time I wanted. If a bully tried to take my lunch money, he?d suddenly break out with an extreme case of hives. If someone made fun of my speech impediment, they would unexpectedly catch laryngitis. If I my greatest desire at the time was a half-sausage, half-pepperoni, no sauce, deep dish pizza, I?d make one appear.
I coasted through life using my magic powers to make things easy for me, not that I couldn?t have gotten by on my massive intelligence. This just seemed more interesting, and I was making six figures. Not a bad way to live.
During one of my wildly successful shows, I acted on impulse. Now, normally, people?s thoughts and concerns don?t matter to me, however, today was a good day; the slightly taller and more muscular Hugh had proposed earlier. I called out to the crowd at the Bellagio in Vegas, ?What do you want to see?? while silently thinking to myself, ?Just as long as it?s not making someone disappear.?
?Make my mother-in-law vanish!!!! Materialize me some money!!!!!! Get rid of those damn Jehovah?s Witnesses!!!!!!!?
I also possessed the power to read minds.
?Make God disappear.?
The words seemed to hang in the air as everyone in the auditorium quickly fell silent. The crowd moved away from the middle-aged balding man who uttered these blasphemous words. If he actually hated God or he was a rabid magician hater who was trying to prove me to be a fake, I?ll never know. The simple idea of making God vanish was laughable. In fact, I chortled out loud until I noticed that his face didn?t change.
?You serious??
Responding with a quick nod, the only emotion he displayed was a single tear. I didn?t know what God had ever done to him, but it was out of sheer curiosity that I actually considered it. I didn?t have much time to think as another audience member yelled out ?Yeah! DO IT!!!!? Slowly, the entire crowd began to stir. The thought that I, The Magic Man, might attempt to make ?The Almighty Father? disappear is just absurd. It would be a nifty little experiment.
I snapped my fingers once.
?Ok. Done.? I declared, ?Thanks a lot for coming out. Drive home safely and don?t forget to tip your waitresses.? Trying my best to contain my laughter, I hurriedly walked behind the curtain, the crowd now roaring at an empty stage. For a simple magician, I could really shake things up, and I was proud. My craft had finally been put to good use. I took the private elevator up to my penthouse suite and flipped on the television only to hear my name.
?Tonight?s Top Story ? Is God really gone??
While the anchor was delivering her eloquent report, cutaways of pandemonium and mass panic were flashing up on the screen. Churches were lit on fire and crucifixes littered the streets. I laid on the bed soaking in all the attention I was getting especially because all I did was snap my fingers.
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I'm going to add more at the end but I have to go now.
C & C on some writing. - Sullivan - 09-14-2006
Few things pique my attention right off the bat. But I would really read this, if you made it into a book. Seriously. Continue.
C & C on some writing. - Aiden - 09-14-2006
I'm horrible at grammer so i can't tell you where you mad mistakes in that fashion. But you've created a man & a good portion of his life in one page and in a very detailed manor.
The story itself is very funny and serious at the same time (i think) i enjoyed reading it so far and would like to read on what happens without god
C & C on some writing. - Jewtastic - 09-14-2006
There were a few instances where you used the wrong word, or added something that wasn't supposed to be there, however, putting minute details aside I liked it. Did you really make G-d go away?
C & C on some writing. - Sol - 09-14-2006
Yeah I'm not great at grammer but still I didn't see any obvious mistakes in that department. The actual story itself was very entertaining, after the first paragraph I actually wanted to continue reading so for the fact that you were able to keep the reader's attention I give you and A.
C & C on some writing. - Jinpo - 09-14-2006
Mura: Did he? Also, could you point those out? I can't seem to find them.
Pikkon: Thanks!
If you guys want more, I'll try to. Can't guarantee anything.
C & C on some writing. - Jewtastic - 09-14-2006
Quote:Originally posted by Cargo
If I my greatest desire at the time was a half-sausage, half-pepperoni, no sauce, deep dish pizza, I?d make one appear.
I'm pretty sure you want to get rid of the I there.
Quote:Originally posted by Cargo
I coasted through life using my magic powers to make things easy for me, not that I couldn?t have gotten by on my massive intelligence. This just seemed more interesting, and I was making six figures. Not a bad way to live.
I know why you added the period there, it would be a run on sentence if you didn't, however I don't feel you finished the thought. You might want to go back and re-work that for the simple fact that I feel, and while I am not an expert on the
subject I hope someone else can back me up on it, the period shouldn't be there.
Quote:Originally posted by Cargo
During one of my wildly successful shows, I acted on impulse. Now, normally, people?s thoughts and concerns don?t matter to me, however, today was a good day; the slightly taller and more muscular Hugh had proposed earlier.
What did he propose? It went straight from that to you asking the audience, confused me a little.
Quote:Originally posted by Cargo
I also possessed the power to read minds.
Just kind of thrown in there?
Quote:Originally posted by Cargo
Responding with a quick nod, the only emotion he displayed was a single tear. I didn?t know what God had ever done to him, but it was out of sheer curiosity that I actually considered it. I didn?t have much time to think as another audience member yelled out ?Yeah! DO IT!!!!? Slowly, the entire crowd began to stir. The thought that I, The Magic Man, might attempt to make ?The Almighty Father? disappear is just absurd. It would be a nifty little experiment.
Was? I don't know but it seemed that out of all the past tense you switched it up to present.
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Those are what I saw. Granted they might not all be correct but its what I feel didn't flow. However, despite these minor mistakes I feel it was still a very well written piece.
C & C on some writing. - Super Buu - 09-14-2006
That was awesome. Such a brilliant and innovative idea, since you don't know if he actually did anything or not. The style of writing kept me reading, and the actual concept was something I'd never seen the likes of before.
C & C on some writing. - Jinpo - 09-14-2006
Quote:Originally posted by Murasaki
Quote:Originally posted by Cargo
If I my greatest desire at the time was a half-sausage, half-pepperoni, no sauce, deep dish pizza, I?d make one appear.
I'm pretty sure you want to get rid of the I there.
Done.
Quote:Originally posted by Murasaki
Quote:Originally posted by Cargo
I coasted through life using my magic powers to make things easy for me, not that I couldn?t have gotten by on my massive intelligence. This just seemed more interesting, and I was making six figures. Not a bad way to live.
I know why you added the period there, it would be a run on sentence if you didn't, however I don't feel you finished the thought. You might want to go back and re-work that for the simple fact that I feel, and while I am not an expert on the
subject I hope someone else can back me up on it, the period shouldn't be there.
I'm not sure about this one. I wanted to seperate the thoughts. Give the line the maximum biting humor.
Quote:Originally posted by Murasaki
Quote:Originally posted by Cargo
During one of my wildly successful shows, I acted on impulse. Now, normally, people?s thoughts and concerns don?t matter to me, however, today was a good day; the slightly taller and more muscular Hugh had proposed earlier.
What did he propose? It went straight from that to you asking the audience, confused me a little.
David Sedaris is gay. I added a sentence to lead into it better.
Quote:Originally posted by Murasaki
Quote:Originally posted by Cargo
I also possessed the power to read minds.
Just kind of thrown in there?
It's sarcasm.
Quote:Originally posted by Murasaki
Quote:Originally posted by Cargo
Responding with a quick nod, the only emotion he displayed was a single tear. I didn?t know what God had ever done to him, but it was out of sheer curiosity that I actually considered it. I didn?t have much time to think as another audience member yelled out ?Yeah! DO IT!!!!? Slowly, the entire crowd began to stir. The thought that I, The Magic Man, might attempt to make ?The Almighty Father? disappear is just absurd. It would be a nifty little experiment.
Was? I don't know but it seemed that out of all the past tense you switched it up to present.
He is describing a dream. He goes from describing it (past tense) to telling you (present tense).
Thanks for the lengthy fixes! It helped me improve my writing.
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Super Buu: If you want to read more things like this, go read Me Talk Pretty One Day. It's a great book. Thanks for the c & c.
C & C on some writing. - Jinpo - 09-23-2006
I got an A-.