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College Essay - Aero - 10-14-2006
I'd like some feedback on this
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Baron Taylor
SS#: hidden
Essay B
As I look out the window at my home, I wish I could change everything that my eyes reveal to me. Living on the Westside of Baltimore, there are numerous things wrong with my environment. And though it hasn?t affected me, it has devoured many of my friends. The street life has taken my closest buddies and turned them into drug dealers and other type of hustling demons.
I wish I could almost completely revamp the entire area of which I live. Broken pieces of glass and syringes lye in the streets where any child could gain access to them if they pleased. I would make that go away first. Then, the dealers on the corners would be vanquished if I had my say. They make the area unattractive and intimidate tourists and other people foreign to my area. Though the smiles upon small kids? faces bring come joy to the community, it isn?t enough, for I know that many of them will fall into the drug business, or become pregnant at a very young age. It is almost their destiny to do so, for, their parents are too busy to provide them adequate care; they have become addicted to the deadly narcotic; cocaine, or blow as the dealers call it. That drug almost forces them to neglect their offspring; they choose the drugs over their own blood. Such things force tears to shed from my eyes, despite my efforts to ignore it.
I?ve experienced my fair share of things. Being put into a foster home was not the easiest thing to accept, but I had to if I was ever going to escape the thresholds of this city. Baltimore City, rated the 6th most dangerous city in the nation. It has consumed many young lives, but I refuse to fall victim to such a thing. Though the streets call for me, I refuse to answer. Maybe when I vanquish my ignorance I will be able to come back to this area and help those that were in similar situations that I was in. Maybe I could guide them into the path of righteousness, revealing to the youths that there are others ways to survive; not all people must resort to such evil deeds. They could see someone like myself and consider them an idol, an icon. They need that light to aid them in their struggle to deny the path of darkness; to go be something in their life. Being a drug dealer or prostitute is not there only option. There is more to life than the streets and dirty money. Maybe I can do that. It would be the least thing I could do for the place that I call home; my precious home.
That is what I see as I glance out of the window of my home. Yes, it is sad, but I have to think of the positives, which is almost impossible, I try my best to do so.
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The essay was suposed to be 500 exact. That's why it isn't longer.
College Essay - Old Pigero - 10-14-2006
Jesus. From a writer's aspect, your writing thoroughly grabbed me, and made me think. Thinking is not one of my high points... but, your writing. It could make sympathy out of an apathetic man. I have to say, that is a wonderful essasy, and if you don't get an A, or higher... then something is wrong with your teacher.
Great job. Sad, but great job.
College Essay - Aero - 10-14-2006
Lol, thanks. And it is a college essay, as in I send it in with my application to college.
College Essay - Hellfighter 17 - 10-14-2006
Essays should always be written in first person, and "me" and "I' are all over that essay. This could dramatically change the essay, so I won't give too many "pointers."
It's "lie" or "lay," not "lye," but "lie" sounds right to me, even though I forget teh rules for distinguishing betwene teh two. Also, cut the word "come" in the phrase "...bring come joy to the community ..." Lastly, when you say that Baltimore is the sixth most dangerous city in America, you should cite a source. Going off the top of my head, you simply say the author of whatever work you got it from, and teh page number, if there is one, then make a works cited/bibliography (use the term "works cited" if you used an electronic media to gain the information).
College Essay - Aero - 10-14-2006
Okay, thanks for the tips HF17.
And on the "come" part, I meant to put "came".
College Essay - Old Pigero - 10-14-2006
Whoakies, well... what college are you applying for?
College Essay - Aero - 10-14-2006
This one is for Salisbury University, near the eastern shore of Maryland.